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female
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anonymous
writes: My male friend and I are going to talk this about pursuing a relationship with each other.He turned up the day after I posted on here (see ‘I am confused about my family friend’ 24 June 2006 for background). We kissed but he put a stop to us going further because he still didn’t know where he stood with his ex. He said I seemed surprised to see him. I said I was and he said ‘well you didn’t expect me to hide away forever did you?’He started talking about a friend who he really likes (he later told me that he was talking about me. I knew this but didn’t want to make life too easy for him!!!). Part of him wants to pursue a relationship with me but part of him doesn’t because of the situation with his ex. He asked if I was looking for a partner. I told him I had been on a few dates. He looked mortified and said ‘what recently?’ to which I replied ‘yes’. He then said that he was really worried that I would find another guy while he got his head sorted out and if that happened at least then he would have his answer. I’m going to tell him that it would be unfair to expect me to wait for him as he could take years to decide what to do. I really want to be with him as he is the first guy I have met in years who I can be myself with. Do you think this is the right response?If I was to advise him as a friend I would say that as he is only 22 he should go out and enjoy the single life for a while and a few months ago he mentioned doing that, but I also know he is capable of commitment because he was with his ex for nearly 5 years and he asked her to marry him. He briefly brought up the marriage and kids issue some months ago (we both want the same) and at 30, I am looking for a relationship where these things will figure but how do I find out how serious he is without freaking him out totally? I don’t want to invest years into a relationship if I then find out he was serious about never committing to a woman again (see next para!).He is, understandably, on a downer about women right now saying that no woman is worth fighting for, committing to, or spending money on. I don’t believe that is what he really thinks but that he is trying to get a reaction out of me but how do I know???He said that if he pursued a relationship with me and it didn’t work for whatever reason that he would want to be friends with me still but he is worried that I wouldn’t want to see him again. I feel the same. I told him I have never been able to be friends with a guy after I split up with them because I find it too difficult and find it better to have a clean break.He also said that I would need to understand that his life is busy and may not see him for up to 5 days. I can accept this if I know when I am going to see him again, but when he leaves he doesn’t make arrangements to see me again. So I get insecure if I don’t hear from him in a few days. All I would ask of him if we start a relationship is that we make plans when to see each other next, the odd message between times to say ‘thinking of you’ or whatever, but I don’t anything to be forced or as a result of pressuring him. One of my friends think he is acting pathetic, but I am really grateful to him for stopping the kissing. How many 22 year old men are there who would turn down the chance to have sex and are open about why? How many potential couples discuss a relationship first?; from what I gather most just dive in head first and then think about things later.Are we compatible? Should we continue as friends and see if something develops in the future, with the risk that one of us will find a partner? Continue as really close friends (but I think that will be difficult for us because we are physically attracted to each other)? Pursue a relationship with him? We’re stuck beyond friends but not girl/boyfriend. Help!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2006): I am the original poster of the question.Despite loving my male friend to pieces, I think it is unreasonable of him to expect me to wait for him while he decides whether he wants to be with me or with her. (Yes, he is completely screwed up over this girl). It just seems like he wants to control me although I know it's because he doesn't want to lose me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2006): Hello, I can see how this is a tough situation for you. I would just wait and see if something develops because it will take him awhile to get over his ex. I really believe that if it is meant to be, it will happen (its just the waiting etc..thats hard!). I wouldn't be too serious right now but try to become close friends first. Then maybe after a month or two, see where you guys stand. Only time will tell you so dont try to be too much in a rush. At the same time, if you dont want to wait..just go for it but realize he may not be ready for another bf/gf relationship. I wish you LOTS of luck and happiness
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