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male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: For you married Cupids... is it wise to go into a marriage with doubts? We love each other, but we have doubts that we have discussed and are working on... still, should we postpone?Thank you! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): It depends on what kinds of doubts you have and the severity of the issues that they are about. If they are relatively minor, you may just be experiencing normal cold feet about marriage and are rightly so being cautious. However, if there are some really big issues you are concerned over. PLEASE look very long and hard at them. Remember you CANNOT marry someone hoping to fix them or hoping they change. No one is perfect, but you have to try to be sure best you can that you can live with your partners flaws. I have been married two years and about to be getting a divorce. Let me tell you, I had some doubts when I married the guy, but I pretty much said "oh well" and figured in time we would work them out. Let me emphasize that any problems you have now will only magnify after marriage. I am sorry if I sound so anti-marriage. I applaud you for being cautious and of course there is no way to know for absolutely sure until after the wedding, I just want to spare you the potential pain of going through what I am currently going through since I ignored that my "doubts" were actually GIANT red flags that the marriage was pretty much guranteed to fail.
A
female
reader, sheri36  +, writes (19 August 2008):
Everyone has doubts, that's true. What I found important in your posting was that you have discussed it. I cannot tell how important communication is in a marriage. Most people do not know how to talk to each other about their thoughts and feelings, and the fact that you can is a good sign. Marriage should be considered carefully. You are taking serious vows, and agreeing to spend the rest of your life with that person. When I agreed to marry my husband I had doubts myself, and they got worse and worse as the day grew nearer; my problem was more to do with the wedding preparations! The preparations were more stressful and upsetting than I ever expected, and we were arguing constantly. I think I had this image that life would be a bed of roses, and we would be deliriously happy from the day of engagement, to the wedding day, and beyond. I have to tell you that my marriage has been fraught with doubts from the beginning!! You do sit and think every now and again if you did the right thing, should you keep going, should you give up, but the bottom line is I fell in love with the man I married and when things are tough, I think about all those things I love about him, and why I fell in love. If that doesn't make you feel warm and fuzzy inside when you think about your fiance then, yes, postpone the wedding. I've been married for 13 years, with him for 17, and believe me it is not hearts and flowers all the time. Marriage has to be worked at - communication is the base on which you build a solid foundation; be honest with each other, remember the reasons you fell in love when the times get rough, and above all, talk, talk, talk to each other, always. Best wishes
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A
female
reader, Dreaming  +, writes (15 August 2008):
Everyone has certain doubts- okay not everyone, lots of people, like will it last, how can we make it last, what will it be like to be married. Normal!
But, there are other normal doubts that do not make healthy long lasting relations, such as abuse, verbal, physical, emontional, will he change, etc red light, make sure there is some change first here, as some people do make the effort to change, others just continue to make excuses.
Don;t marry someone expecting that you will change them, if you cannot enter the union thinking, I love them so much that even though they do ???, I love everthing else so much I can let that go. Just don't let abuse go,to you or kids- not healthy!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008): what are your doubts?
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