A
female
age
36-40,
*bhope
writes:Not long ago I posted my dilemma . . . . with regards to my boyfriend and I, and whether or not we should finally make love. We've dated for over 4 years now and it was my decision to remain a virgin till marriage and well he agreed that if it was what i wanted that he'd wait as well. We have an amazing relationship he respects me and has more than proven he loves me . . . . This December will be our 5 year anniversary and I want to tell him I'm ready but I don't know if we should continue waiting or finally consummate the relationship. We are both 24 and are attending school and probably wont be done for another few years. . . . . Its been extremely difficult for the both of us to maintain our composure for the last four years and I cant imagine another four more. So my question again is should we continue waiting or should we just be with each other?I appreciate the feedbackThank you
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female
reader, abhope +, writes (1 May 2009):
abhope is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand that adding another four years of courtship to our relationship would be extremely strenuous. Logically its nearly impossible for couples to wait as long as we have let alone another four more years, this is another reason why I'd love to be intimate with him now.
Thank you
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): It's not normal for you to be dealing with this kind of long-term celibacy because it's not normal for you to spend a decade together without getting married. I mean really, five years together already, and now you're talking about trying to wait FOUR MORE YEARS? Come on! There are couples out there who first meet, date, get married, have two kids, and then get divorced, all inside of four years. If you have to wait 9 years for a wedding, and 4 years after you totally know you're getting married, then your own lives are not taking priority here. You're supposed to plan your wedding around your marriage, not your marriage around your wedding. Tell your families that they'll have to find some other reason to spend 4 years planning and blow the price of a small house on one single huge party. The two of you need to go get married with a smaller event and get on with your lives.
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A
female
reader, abhope +, writes (30 April 2009):
abhope is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDefinitely I agree, if it happens I'd love for it to be well planned out and extremely romantic . . . . . We've waited for each other far to long to spend it in his room or mine. But we'll see I haven't quite decided yet.
Thank you
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A
female
reader, abhope +, writes (30 April 2009):
abhope is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell first and foremost I am not basing such an important decision simply on curiosity or to emulate friends or societies perception of what an average relationship should be. I did not watch numerous episodes of sex and the city to come to this conclusion. Honestly we’ve been in a very loving, respectful, devoted relationship for the past 4 almost 5 years and well its been incredibly difficult for the both of us to remain celibate, as I mentioned in my previous post. This is not going to make or break the relationship I merely felt I was ready to explore a very meaningful facet of myself with an exceptionally wonderful man. Unfortunately we are unable to get married mainly because of my family’s firm belief that without stable careers and incomes our relationship would be doomed to fail. We have both entered the medical field and are relying on our family’s support so we have a few years ahead of us before we can liberally make a communal commitment to each other. I know he loves me enough to rearrange his entire life if I asked him (and I’d to the same for him) but I as well as he would never interfere with his or my objectives, I would never ask him to leave his career or neglect a lifelong dream, I love him far to much.
Thank you again for the feedback
I really appreciate it.
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (30 April 2009):
In many ways you and your B/F remind me of my wife and I. I don't think you truly believe your virginity is simply a desire to please your family, or keep your life "uncomplicated". The very fact that you recognize the "complications" that come from sex, even within a relationship tells me you place a high value on your sexuality.
So it appears to me that you are contemplating changing a VERY significant, long-held belief. Please be careful about that! Yes, you might come out of it asking "Why did we wait so long?". It's just as likely - and, in your case, I suspect more than likely - that you will feel some elements of compromise, having sold-out, or regrets. These thoughts will likely continue into your married life, whether married to your B/F or somebody else. (For the record, I hope you continue to wait - if not until marriage is a reality, at least until marriage is definitely imminent. And I think that waiting will ultimately be beneficial to your marriage.)
I don't really understand why you can't go ahead and be married. I'm not talking about some fancy event, including a festive party and costing a small fortune, I'm talking about - well, getting married. (You can always throw a huge party, even get dressed up in wedding clothes, and have a clergyman come to bless your union and re-affirm your vows at any time!)
If you wait for the perfect time to get married, it will never happen. Getting married is always a statement of trust, and a statement of faith in the future. I won't even suggest that it will be easy for you two. I WILL say that facing and overcoming the adversity together may ultimately strengthen your marriage. Within my personal circle of acquaintances I know several couples who started solid, lasting marriages while still in college - as well as couples (both married and unmarried) who broke up in the last few months of school or shortly thereafter. (John & Les, you'll never know how much I admire you!)
How committed are you - REALLY committed - to each other? Or are you committed to self-serving ideas, to which you will add marriage "if it's convenient and meets MY needs"?
Does your B/F love you enough to adjust his schooling plans? I don't mean dropping out - I mean things like taking an extra semester, or finishing at a different institution, if that means establishing a marriage with you? How about you - what would you alter or postpone to be with him, as husband and wife? After school, would you follow him to wherever his first career attempt takes him, even if it means you accept a less-than-ideal first job? Would he do that for you?
When you - BOTH of you - can give honest answers to each other when asking questions like that, and you are comfortable with each others' answers, you have made an important step toward marriage. And, an important step toward consummating your relationship in a sexual manner. With anything short of that, you are thinking of adding sex to your relationship "just to see what it's like". Or, "because everybody else is doing it, and I don't want to be different". (Not everybody IS doing it - and some who are, aren't satisfied with it.) Or, "it's about time to do it because, well, somebody's schedule says we should be doing it".
I suggest you read what I wrote in the thread "Should we get engaged?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-we-get-engaged.html ].
Engaged or not, I disagree with the suggestion that you should be living together. That kind of arrangement leads to thinking in terms of "his" and "hers", rather than a marriage based on "ours". It also reinforces attitudes of transience - "if it doesn't work, I can always get out". That thought by itself is destructive to marriages.
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A
female
reader, abhope +, writes (29 April 2009):
abhope is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I decided I wanted to wait long before I met my current boyfriend mainly because of family but as an adult its been more of a way to keep my life uncomplicated and I always thought maybe a relationship had more of a chance of lasting if both partners waited till marriage but now idk he’s so incredibly patient and loving I just I’d love to be with him to incorporate a physical union between us not just the emotional. We’ve talked about marriage often but we know that school comes first and if we expect a happy life together we’d have to have stable careers so yes we are definitely getting married as soon as we both finish school but unfortunately we still have a few years to go so idk I love him and he loves me and I'd just really enjoy being with him finally . . . .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): Hi sweetness. It's ok as long as he's not pushy. If he got pushy dump his sorry ass and move on. That's your body and only you shall decide who'd approach it. It was a smart decision of you to wait. If he wants to respect your wish that'd be smart of him too, but if not then he is not worth you, and if he continued harrassing you then report him to the authorities. Glad you're taking good care of yourself. Best luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): You sound like a very committed couple who are devoted to each other, and such a rarity these days as far as waiting for marriage before having a sexual relationship. This is the way it always used to be about 50 years ago and I admire your resolve!
Like Klara says, this is a personal decision that you'll have to make together. Marriage is a ceremony, legally binding, which joins the two of you together. Apart from the legal side of things, it's just a piece of paper that says you're married. If you consider yourselves as good as married now, then I don't see any harm in being together in the most intimate way possible.
But at the end of the day, only the two of you can decide.
I wish you all the best for a stress-free happily married life - whenever you get down to saying those marriage vows.
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