A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I just passed our 20th anniversary, we have two girls 10 and 14. My wife has various emotional issues and our home life can often be chaotic. I have always done much of the home work (cooking, keeping an eye on girls' schoolwork, getting them to dance practice, etc.). I long ago gave up much hope of having a good relationship with her, but I have felt dedicated to the girls and didn't want to disrupt their lives by leaving.Exactly a year ago my high school girlfriend wrote me on Facebook. Truth be told the whole reason I put up the FB page was in the hope that someday I might hear from her. She is divorced and lives in another city. We started writing and wrote back and forth almost daily (emotional cheating already) for _8 months_. We clearly were in each other's heads and I looked forward to her emails. I am sure we shared more about ourselves in those 8 months of emails than in my 20 years of marriage with my wife.Finally I ended up with multiple long work assignments in the other city and of course we met. We felt an immediate, powerful connection and have ended up in a very intense affair. This is by far the strongest feelings I have ever had for another woman in my life. It makes me realize that I have had no emotional connection with my wife for at least a decade. I never thought I would use this word but she is definitely my "soulmate". We complete each others sentences and understand each other. Of course I am totally cheating on my wife which makes me feel like a selfish louse, especially since I have always been the "good guy" who takes care of everything.My girlfriend does not wish to go on being the other woman and needs to get on with her life, understandably so. So she has given me a deadline to decide to either leave my wife or stop the relationship. On the one hand I can't bear to let her go, and on the other hand I can't bear to cause emotional disruption to my girls, both of whom I am very close with.I have talked to 2 women relatives and 1 woman friend, all of whom know about my home life, about this situation. All 3 of them actually support the affair, are pleased to see me so happy, and think I should leave my wife. (I should note that my wife has in the past refused to go to marriage counseling, telling me that our troubles are all my fault).Any advice? Am I crazy to blow up what I have in the hopes that my relationship with my girlfriend is all that I think it can be? We'd have to have a commuter relationship at least for a few years. I would aim to get joint custody of the girls. But given my wife's emotional problems the half the time she would be with the girls would be very chaotic.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2010): To the male reader who says others are "delusional", that argument about "we are humans...we are flawed..." that argument simply doesn't wash. Infidelity is NOT a mistake. It is a CHOICE.If you are married and you choose to get naked with and do the most intimate thing you can do with someone who is not your spouse, it is a CHOICE.And to say that no one has the strength of character or morals to end a relationship first, before moving on to someone else, is laughable. It's called integrity. It's called honoring vows you made before God.When you marry, you are making a huge commitment and promise. If all options to make it work have failed, and it's over, then have the decency to end it FIRST.And if you don't have capability to do that, then you have bigger problems than jumping in the sack with someone else.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): You're getting a lot of flak about your question but I think that your reaction is a natural one. Staying in a flawed marriage "for the sake of the children" is not a good move. Kids know that their parents are unhappy. That affects them and THEIR future relationships. If you have honestly tried to correct the course of your marriage on your end and she will not try on her end, you should leave. Especially when you feel like there is an opportunity for happiness. Yes you made a commitment but so did the passengers on the Titanic. Knowing when to get off the boat makes all the difference. You can stay and grow more miserable and show your kids what a miserable marriage is, or you can show them a happy father. It may actually be the best move for your wife too. Harsh words but a different man may actually make her a happier person too. You may have been what the other needed and wanted at one time...but if that time is over, you should let it go.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): I will admit I threw away a marriage of 15 years for an affair that got discovered/confessed. The marriage was flawed, but it COULD have been saved. I chose not to, because I wasn't strong enough to either work at it or resist the temptation of a new woman. I somewhat regret it, but it is too late. Don't be that guy. Make sure you exhaust all options....make SURE! You can't press rewind on this one.
To all those who insist you should divorce before finding new...all I can say is you're delusional. Humans instinctively go for what makes them happiest. It often takes teh awakening that comes with a new relationship or promise of one to show us that we are blind. It takes an uncommonly strong willed person of unusual character to decide to leave a mildly failing marriage (not including blatant abuse or addictions here) before knowing there are other options to make us happy. Only shallow marriages end so cleanly and without purpose. Depper loves, if they must end, often end only once a better love is found. It's human nature...accept it. We are human...we are flawed. And if you profess to have such moral rectitude and character to leave first...I would love to see it. Fact is, you almost never do. Life is a series of adjustments...not abrupt changes.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (8 July 2010):
 Your female friends and relatives have it all wrong.
After two decades of marriage, it's easier for you to cheat and consider walking away than looking your wife in the eyes and saying, "I'm on the verge of leaving you. Either you come with me to counseling to deal with your emotional issues and the problem in this marriage or I'm out the door."
Until you can do this, you have no right to leave. End of story.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): If things don't work out with your girlfriend, you will have destroyed several lives unnecessarily. Have you given in thought to this fact?
You must INSIST that your wife goes to marital counseling with you. You may not remember it, but there was a time you loved this woman enough to ask her to spend the rest of her life with you. After 20 years and kids, it's easy to lose your way and the emotional connection you once shared, but that doesn't mean you jump ship because someone else comes along. You have to work at marriage, you just don't "give up much hope of having a good relationship", you fight for the relationship!
Have you given any thought to the role YOU played in the erosion of your marriage, or are you placing the blame squarely on her shoulders? Have you been attentive to your wife's needs, or have you immersed yourself in the kids and forgotten to nurture your relationship? Have you encouraged your wife to seek help with her emotional problems or do you just complain about them?
You need to earn your right to leave this marriage, and from the sound of it, you haven't done anything to merit walking away yet. You owe it to your wife and kids to try and make your home life better. If you decide to go this route, you must fully commit yourself to the process and let the other woman go about her way. Stop using her as an escape from a situation you're afraid of confronting.
By the way, the women in your life who support your infidelity are ill. Sounds like they have it in for your wife for some reason and are only listening to your side of things. Anyone who condones the destruction of a family is not a good friend, and you would do well to stop seeking out their advice on your marital issues.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): I showed your letter to my husband of twenty years, and he pointed out something I missed, the phrasing of your title. "Should I dump..."That right there shows your mental state and attitude about her and your marriage. You "dump" trash. Also, you went looking to be unfaithful. You said yourself that you posted on Facebook hoping to find her. (This is my man's perspective.)The breakup of your marriage is not all on you, because it definitely takes two to make or break a relationship, but the bottom line is that you are the one who cheated. You owe it to your wife to be honest with her, even though the damage is done. She is the mother of your children and for that alone she deserves to know the truth about your infidelity. Maybe your marriage can be saved, if she is willing to forgive and you are both willing to WORK at it. Marriage is a heck of a lot of WORK to make and keep it strong. Why so many people think it's going to be all roses and cookies is beyond me. Twenty years is a long time to throw away.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (8 July 2010):
 "you need to take a good, long look at yourself and see if you're being the type of man you want your daughter's to marry."
This is what I'm talking about when using the word "respect". I wouldn't want any daughter of mine anywhere near a guy who has doesn't treat his marriage or his family with respect.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): Maybe you're not the "good guy" you claim to be. For all of these years you didn't leave because you didn't want to disrupt your girls' lives, but along comes a new woman and BAM--suddenly disrupting their lives is not such a bad idea.
Of course things are easy with the other woman; she's not raising your kids or dealing with the day-to-day life. Your girlfriend doesn't need you to take on the responsibility of doing homework and cooking and parenting (which you sound kind of resentful about doing). She doesn't have to clean your dirty underwear or listen to you snore.
It's all perfect because none of it is real. It's easy to be in love when you don't have to deal with grown-up shit like mortgages, taxes, and orthodontist appointments.
This is an exit affair. You want out of your marriage, but didn't have the guts to do it the right way; You took the easy route and cheated your way out. Now you want permission to go about your happy way.
I'm not suggesting that you stay married, but after 20 years and two children, you owe it to your wife to be honest. And you need to take a good, long look at yourself and see if you're being the type of man you want your daughter's to marry.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): Thank you all very much for the thoughtful feedback, even the tougher comments. I honestly don't think that my failure to leave was a lack of guts, it was more an attempt to keep a nuclear family going. In retrospect that may have been a flawed choice, but it is the choice that I made. Certainly having an affair was also a flawed choice and not the way I should have conducted myself. On the other hand, until I met the GF in person I had no idea we would have such a connection. I realize I sound like Mark Sanford (who I ridiculed at the time), which makes me worry that this is just an unfortunate part of middle age that some guys fall in to.
Also, contrary to some of your assumptions I honestly have not made a decision and I am not looking for permission. The stories of decisions people have actually made are very helpful. Thanks again for sharing them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): whatever you decide... i know coming from divorced parents, if you choose this women over your wife. I deeply suggest you come to terms with smth with your gf first. I strongly suggest that you do not bring her around for at least a year to your kids. Your kids need to feel like they are first in your life after the divorce. Your new gf needs to be okay with this. Never think its okay to cut your time limit down a bit.
My mum left my dad for someone else. She brought him around really soon because my dad knew who he was. She says she had to because I was asking about him. But it only proved that there was someone, he existed, and proved all my dads accusations about her cheating were true. My mum has put him first for a long time now. Our relationship isnt the same.
Just saying.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): *SIGH*
You've already blown it. If you were unhappy in your marriage you should have ended it, not cheated. Before, your wife would have had to deal with the pain of divorce. Now, she will have to deal with the pain of divorce AND betrayal.
Do the right thing. Tell your wife you want out, and tell her why. I'm not saying she was a good wife to you, but NO woman (or man) deserves to be cheated on.
You do deserve to be happy, but you went about it the wrong way. And be careful, once the newness and excitement of the lover wears off, you realize they have warts (hypothetically speaking)just like everyone else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): By talking to so many people about it already, you're just practicing giving the wife the heave-ho. You've already made your decision, I can tell. You're trying to seek permission or reassurance -- you'll have to find it in yourself, not here. Many people seek reconnections with people from their past who got away, but hadn't been around for a while to share in the hardships of life. I don;t know the other side, your wife's perspective. Only you know the right decision for you and your daughters. You have a right to be happy, but be careful. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): It is so ''cliche'
high-school girlfriend+midlife crises+facebook=soap-opera
I would hate myself to be a stereotype.There is nothing cool about this. Sorry,you are a naive man, who never studied any midlife psychology before. Think about this postcard crap...SHE UNDERSTANDS ME ETC..
It just does not look good,and you know it.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (7 July 2010):
Show your kids that you are a man worthy of respect. If you can figure that out, then everyone will be better for it.
If you continue on this path what do you think your kids will learn about failing relationships?
Cheating does not engender respect. If you want the other woman, end your marriage now. Not years from now. Every minute you spend in this marriage hurts everyone that much more.
You have chosen a path that leads to suffering for all involved - all you can do now is minimize that suffering by acting courageously and respectfully.
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A
female
reader, lady662 +, writes (7 July 2010):
I am in a simular relationship. I have tried to talk to my mate and make things better. But he acts like everything is fine. I too have another. Its been 5 years, and I love him dearly. If you think your marriage is over and not fixable. I say go for it. But be sure because you can not undo something once its done. Life is too short to be unhappy. Thats what everyone tells me. I just have not got the courage yet. I guess I am afraid the grass is not greener on the other side. I wish you well in your choices.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (7 July 2010):
 Yeh, this sounds like approval seeking that what you are doing is right... when really you've already made your decision.
Not that I'm looking down on you, cheating sucks, but unhappiness sucks even more and it sounds like you gave up on this marriage a long time ago... though hopefully not from lack of effort on your behalf. I hope you man-up and be honest with your wife, you owe her that much, regardless of how many emotional problems she may have...
Oh, and this just in: Kids can grow up fine with divorced parents...
Best of luck :)
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (7 July 2010):
 I do not support cheating. Cheating, and running around behind your wife's back is wrong, no matter how bad of a wife she may be. With that said, I do support you wanting to be happy. Staying in a relationship just for you kids is not a good reason to stay in a relationship.
If you have truly given your marriage your all, and if your wife is truly THAT out there where there is no fixing, then end it. Stop the cheating, stop the lying, and be the "good guy" which is doing what is best for your marriage - ending it. Better have your girls adjust now as opposed to finding out years from now that their parent's marriage was all a lie.
Also, if you did decide to stay with your wife you know you will be always thinking "What if?" and comparing your wife to your lost love. That would only hurt your marriage more in the long run. Follow your heart, and be happy...
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A
female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (7 July 2010):
At 10 and 14 I am sure your girls are already aware that their mothers and fathers relationship is strained at best.
I asked my husband to leave after 15 years of marriage and knew it would be a struggle and it was. I cant speak for you and I didnt leave to be with someone else but, ask yourself this... Are you willing to stay in a relationship with a woman who you dont love and she doesnt love you enough to make it better? I couldnt stay with him - I became stronger, the tension was out of the daily life for the kids and I AND the children have literally blossomed!
I think you will be showing your girls more good by doing what makes you happy. How is the girlfriend with the idea of your girls being a part of her life soon? If that is a happy thing - then my advice would be start to make arrangements to end the marriage.
Please get your ducks in a row before your wife has an inkling about the gf tho - it will only make the divorce uglier and the marriage was already dead before you cheated it seems.
Good luck -
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): My situation is IDENTICAL to yours, except I was married for 15 years (knew her for 20) met my "soulmate" through work (although she went to HS with me), and my STBex wife does not really have emotional issues...but we became severely disconnected over about 8-10 years while we raised our son. The realtionship I'm in (about 10 months now) is all I've ever wanted in a woman, and she is the soulmate I have longed for my whole life. I decided to divorce about 4 months after the affair began. I just got back from listing our house for sale and meeting with my divorce attorney...it is not easy, but I am happier on this path. Truly.
Advice, well, I will say...do what will TRULY make you happy. Life is TOO short to stay with someone who doesn't love you like a soul partner. The fact that you do not get the love you need and she won't go to counseling proves you are against a wall. Any direction at this point is a good one. By "honoring" your marriage, you also may have to choose to honor what the right path is. Blindly staying in a dead marriage for hte sake of your children is not honoring your marriage. It's only honoring words. Kids adjust. My son was hurt, but when he realized that we did not have the relationship a Mom & Dad need to have, he understood. I know in time he will grow to appreciate teh decision. Let me tell you...it hurts. I do not truly miss my wife (I moved out 5 months ago), but I desperately miss the things we did as a family and the "partner" I had in her...but it was more like room mates, and that is not a marriage...that is a friendship.
I think you should move on. But do it with dignity...hers and yours. Respect her and treat her with as much honor as possible. She is the mother of your children. Do not drag her through the mud. And I would suggest you cool things a bit with the other woman until you finalize the divorce or at least separate. She should understand. ANd TRy TRY TRY to get her to counseling first. Exhaust that completely before moving on.
The best saying I have heard that has made the most sense to me is that love is a journey. Some journeys end. The journey with my wife was filled with love and joy, but it came to a close. You have to accept closure in life...because it creates another opening. Good luck my friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): First of all, I think it would have been WAYYYY BETTER if you didn't cheat on your wife. You could have been honest with her and not have an affair before breaking it off (If you do).
I know it'll hurt the girls' feelings, but you would rather lie about your feelings to your family?
My mom and dad probably never loved each other and that showed in their parenting. It's not healthy.
It's totally natural that married couples fall out of love, but to cheat? There goes your dignity.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): Honestly anyone supporting your affair is off their rocker!
You do DESERVE happiness and if your wife & marriage isn't making you happy you should have ended it long before going chasing another woman.
You gave up on your marriage. Plain and simple. I don't care how emotionally stunted your wife is, STOP blaming her. If you really wanted to connect and make the marriage work YOU would have put in some effort and work. I guess it's just easier getting another "model".
You are NOW worried about your kids? Kinda late don't you think?
Face the facts. You have been wanting out of the marriage for a long time, but didn't have the guts. Being married was "easier" for you even if your wife has all the fault you mentioned. Now your "GF" is making you take a stand.. So it's up to you.
I think you need to grow a set and talk to your wife. Also I suggest you get yourself a lawyer if you ARE serious. Why waste more time being unhappy and be disrespectful to TWO women?
Sorry cheaters makes me ILL. They are full of lies and excuses.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): Leave her. Staying together for the kids is a bad idea. Your own happiness is important too. If she is as bad as you say, joint custody should be easy to get.
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