A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a question to all parentsI want to know what do u think of the concept of a)knocking on you kids door before entering their room?2)How do you get them to open up to you more,what if they are constantly texting,do u check their phones?3)And according to you what should be bed time for kids in the agr group of 9-13 My parents never knocked my room before entering but I think u should,my boyfriend thinks its not necessary!what are your views?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 March 2013):
 1. Yes, I would knock on a child’s door (and wait for a response) before entering. It’s common courtesy and I see no reason why any adult needs to witness a 9-13 year old getting dressed or undressed (or masturbating for that matter). Besides, teaching children that they have no rights to any personal space makes it easier for others to exploit them.
2. The same way you do an adult. Engage them in light, but interesting conversation, seek their opinions, without probing or trying to trick them into revealing more than they want to share. It is equally important to receive whatever information they give us with calm maturity.
3. Eight pm is probably a good time for a 9-11 year old. And maybe 9pm for 12-13 year old. It’s not just about ensuring adequate rest time for them, but sufficient child free down time for us.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): 1) We never knocked before entering in my house either. But we have no locks on our bedroom doors and we all live together so we know whether someone's getting changed to go out or just after having a shower. Other than that what kind of privacy does a kid need? Changing, getting dressed or inserting a tampon is all we had to keep strictly private.
I had 4 women in my house, my mother and three sisters. We all walked in and out freely. As the only man though if the door was closed I'd call their name from outside just in case, far better than knocking if you ask me because my other sisters didn't need to announce themselves if one was getting changed but obviously I did.
We have no locks on our bathroom doors either, we're just used to asking first if someone is in there if the door is closed.
Personally I think kids under the age of puberty have absolutely no reason they need privacy. What can they possibly be doing that they want to keep secret from their parents? What parent would like the idea of an 8 year keeping secrets from them? They should feel free and open to talk to their parents about everything they're doing and knowing any one of their siblings or parents can walk in at any time stops them building up bad habits or doing things they shouldn't be doing and thinking they can get away with it. All my sisters still tell my mother everything, relationship stuff to do with boys, anything you can imagine they really don't have any secrets from or each other, it's made us a very open family.
If you think about it knocking isn't even that much of a courtesy when it comes to parents and kids. Mother knocks on door, 8 year old says "don't come in for a minute, just a sec", immediately that parent get suspicious, ask what they were doing, so they're going to pry anyway and if it's not something like "getting changed" then that parent is going to want to know.
Oh and it doesn't teach them anything either, I don't knock in other people's houses I call their name from outside the door so they know who it is that is outside, far more efficient.
2) It depends on the age and it depends on your relationship with the kid. Look parents know when their kid is being secretive, they know the look on a kids face and how they act when they're hiding something they shouldn't be. My mother never checked any of our messages because we always told her what was going on in our lives anyway. We always told her everything, she's not one of these hippy types either that lets us do anything we want but she is quite open to most things and we always counted on her to help us figure people out. If one sister was having trouble with a boy she'd either go to her or to one of the other sisters and that sister would discuss it with mam.
What's her secret? My mother never, ever judged us if we went against her wishes and did something we're not allowed to. She'd punish us of course, she'd give out to us but she never called us stupid, never put us down for it and would be reasonable with us and treat us with respect. She allowed us to make our mistakes without being bitter or sour about it. Unlike a lot of parents her solution to things wasn't to demand we obey, it was to talk to us, to understand why we did what we did and even be willing to change her opinion on that topic if we can give her a good reason as to why she should.
3) Everyone has different opinions on that and every kid is different it depends on what time they need to get up and how long they need sleep. The only important thing in my mind is that it's a regular routine, and that they can get enough sleep. On weekends we could stay up as long as we wanted really I was a night owl, so no matter what time I went to bed I wasn't getting to sleep early but my sisters always went to be early even on weekends.
OP kids should not have locks on their doors, ever. They have absolutely no reason they should ever lock their door. One time when I was a teenager one of my sisters thought it would be a great idea to lock a room in a rented house we were staying on holiday because she had a fight with my mother, my mother called me instantly to kicked the door down and I did. Kids don't have the right to walk away from my mother when being talked to or punished, plus walking away is a horrible habit to let them develop.
As far as masturbation goes I was never caught and I did it daily, you learn the routine of the people who are in your house, you know how to have your privacy even when there are no locks, you know how to time things, you learn how to wank quietly and frankly with 4 women you'd think there'd be constant conflict but we were fairly quiet any arguments we had were forgotten about 5 minutes later because you can't escape each other or mam because there are no locks.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 March 2013):
 Should parent’s knock before they enter a kids room…
Yes, once the child is toilet trained and independent enough I think that knocking before entering a closed door is common courtesy.
How do you get them to open up more if they are constantly texting? You make sure
1. No phones at the dinner table and dinner is a family event at the table every night possible.(baring school events)
2. NO texting in bed after lights out. (I would confiscate my stepdaughters phone when I sent her to bed and give it back in the morning when she got up. KIDS need sleep and they won’t sleep if they have TVS, Computers or CELL PHONES in their bedrooms.
Do you check their phones… what are you checking for? And how old are these kids?
I do not think that children under 13 need or should have cell phones… only once a kid is out and about and away from parents then they can have a cell phone but you can limit who they can call, when they can call and make sure they have no internet access on their phones… and that to me is a good thing till they are older. MY under 18 kids had cell phones FOR MY convenience not theirs.
What should bed time be for 9-13… big age range there… 9 year olds I would like to see in bed around 9 same for 10 year olds… 11 and 12 maybe 9:30 or 10 and no later than 10:30 or so for a 13 year old as long as that nets them 8 hours…. If a 13 year old has a 7 am bus and they need to get up at 6 for the bus that means they need to be asleep by 10… so starting bedtime at 9:15 to give them time to change, brush their teeth etc… is a good idea…
AS your boyfriend if no knocking is acceptable while he’s 12 and masturbating and mommy walked in on him would that be ok? KIDS need privacy. They need to learn to respect privacy too… how better to teach them then by giving them what you expect back…
IF YOU do not knock on your kids door they will
a. Learn to lock the door
b. Walk into your room without knocking
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (22 March 2013):
 Hi
a)definately knock,it's for mutual reasons,it gives them the grounding for respecting your personal space too
b)no need for a fone at that age, monitor internet use too,have the PC in the hallway or space everyone uses.As for opening up I always found mealtimes bought natural conversation and if I thought something was up I asked gentle questions.Listen for clues
c) school nights 9-9.30,no xbox etc or tv after then either.Weekends 10 - 10.30
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013):
Depends on their age group.. When our son was younger his door was never really closed anyway and we would just kinda stroll in lol, when he got to around ten, we started knocking on his door as a away of respect .. I was raised by an older mum and dad they had the principle that children should be cherished acknowledged disciplined and respect.. If we treat them as we like to be treated then they should grow up having firm boundaries and respect and empathy for others ..
I must say I have transferred my upbringing
To our own kids, we run a tight but loving home.. Where respect, courteous and empathy and caring are top priorities ..
I think your bf is wrong depending on their age.. We also have a five and 18 month girls and once they reach ten then we will start the respecting their personal Soace etc..
At the minute their very young and need constant looking on so knocking every five ten minutes would be just annoying so unt their at an age to be responsible in their room then we stroll in and out lol .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): a) Always knock, it's about politeness how can you teach them if you don't do it yourself.
b) IMHO young children shouldn't have phones, Ipad or access to computer unsupervised
c) I'm not strict with bedtime because they won't sleep if they aren't sleepy anyway but at 11:30ish the lights are off and no tv is on, so unless they're reading then the only option is sleep.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2013):
 I agree with C. Grant on A. Yes, I think it's a GOOD thing to knock first. Just because they are 9-13 doesn't mean they should have a little bit of privacy. And I DO think it instills the sense of common courtesy like C. Grant said.
B. How do you get them to open up more? Well, I like to take my kids ( I have 3 girls, age 8-10-12) on outings one-on-one and just talk about stuff. NONE of mine have cell phones and won't get getting any til they are maybe 15-16, they REALLY don't need one. We also SIT down for dinner EVERY night and there are no games, toys, books and so forth allowed. WE TALK at dinner, sort of have a family mull over stuff. Kinda nice. We also have a weekly movie night and a bi-weekly game night. I think they help us have fun and be serious together.
C. My kids (8 and 10) got to bed at 9pm and the 12 year old at 9.30pm. On week-ends (Fri/Sat) they can stay up til whenever and sleep in (unless we have early plans).
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (22 March 2013):
 (a) Parents should absolutely knock before they enter. For one thing, it helps model common courtesy. For another, once kids start closing their doors, they may well be wanting privacy. I for one never cared to walk in on something I neither needed nor wanted to see.
(2) I've pretty much failed at this one. I have confiscated phones as punishment (rarely), but never gone through them (but have never had reason to think anything injurious was going on). On occasion a friendly conversation can range into "opening up" territory if the time is right.
(3) That's an age range that covers quite different stages of development. On a school night I would think by 9:00 p.m. for a 9 year old, but by 13 I was giving lots more latitude depending upon homework and such. My expectation was 10:00 p.m., but with flexibility. Weekends are a different matter. That's the age where, unless I had a good reason for them to need to be up and productive, I played it by ear. My youngest, by 13, was like me a nightowl, so I let him do as he chose. My bottom line was always were they healthy, well-rested, and productive when expected (i.e. school). Learned to avoid "power wars" that way.
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