A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am a teenager who's about to hit 16. My girlfriend also turns 16 at the same time as I do. We've been in a close relationship for almost 7 months. We don't get much opportunity, but when we're alone, once every few weeks, we partake in some form of sexual activity, usually heavy petting or handjob, or more recently, oral (only twice though).Admittedly I'm a very hormonal teenager, who loves the desire and pleasure of having do something sexual with my partner. I don't want sex yet for a few months, and she wants to wait until at least 17. That's fine, I don't mind waiting just over a year to have sex; it's not my life's dream and I certainly want a strong lasting relationship. Besides, I'm happy enough as we are, although it's quite seldom as it is. (btw, we're both highly sexually attracted to each other, the relationship didn't just develop emotionally)Now my problem enters when yesterday she told me she thinks we should stop doing any kind of sexual activity. The day that before she came over my house after school and for about 30-45 minutes we had the house to ourselves and enjoyed our freedom. We tried a little role-play as we had before, and she gave me oral. The next day I see her too and it's at her house, so we can't do anything sexual really, so we enjoyed our time without much of it, on the laptop, watching a film (Australia, her favourite) and we both really enjoyed it. Then after I get home she goes online briefly, before we both sleep and tells me she thinks we shouldn't be doing anything sexual.Now, I don't know if you may think "yes, they's not quite 16 yet, they shouldn't be doing anything of the kind" but in my opinion it would be a bad idea to stop doing anything like that at all. It would resort back to the days when we kissed a bit at the beginning of our relationship.I also know her parents put a lot of pressure on her with this kind of thing, by saying things such as "Even if you touch him there you could become pregnant". I'm a sensible guy, I know my limits and I know the dangers of being careless during our time alone.I think that if we stopped having any kind of intimacy between us as we already have it would be damaging in certain aspects of our relationship, least to say my emotions as being a guy who wants that intimacy with her (and her alone, I'm not the kind of person who'd have a one night stand if I was single, I would only want to have that kind of bond with someone whom I've come to really know). I want to know what people's opinions are on the matter, is she right, we should stop? If so, why? Or would it be a bad idea to completely stop doing anything together? Thanks (and sorry for the rather detailed chunk of writing)
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male
reader, pzoDe +, writes (14 March 2011):
Hey, this is the original poster, I decided to make an account... You have all advised me to talk to her about it. Yes, of course I want to, I try to be as open as possible, and talk to her about everything. I must admit that I have kept things from her a couple of times, such as when I was feeling awkward about this guy who was getting really close to her and is two years older than us. But I did tell her in the end because I knew it would be stupid to keep it hidden; even if telling her would hurt her feelings a little... (which is the reason I didn't want to say it in the first place).
I find the problem is that with some things she is very open with me, yet with other matters she'll just stay silent and cause a tension to grow. It's difficult, because I want her to tell me what's wrong when she's annoyed or upset with me so I can do something to make her feeling better or to justify my actions somehow. Yet she will not talk to me about it, she'd rather stay silent so "we don't argue". Yet the problem there is that we end up arguing more due to the fact she won't tell me, and her simply ignoring me because of it, in the first place.
And I wanted to talk to her today about it, she said she wanted to as well. But we never got the chance to. I came on twice when she was but she went offline very soon after (for other reasons). But she says she does want to talk tomorrow and we shall see how it goes then, person to person, which I prefer. Because that way we argue less and if she gets upset it's easier to tell and I can try and comfort her.
Thanks to everyone so far, you've all been extremely kind and helpful. I would still appreciate more opinions though.
P.S. Thanks to the poster who said I was very mature. I do consider myself quite mature for my age, but at the same time, we can all do immature things, yes? I just wanted to clarify that my opinion on this matter wasn't immature or selfish. Because if it's something that just benefits me and not her, it's something we will stop. I just feel she will feel emotional distress about it if we completely stop doing what we already have. "Do not delve into the past, let your worries loose. Keep striving forward". But also, slow down and take it easy as you are all saying. Thank you again!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): Haha, well the role-play was only something small and fun and only kind half role-play; but she was the one who actually started it, lol... I know she wants that intimacy too and often she says things which indicate that. But I imagine it's her previous innocence (btw, she's quite naive, if that helps?) and the fact she's never done it before that's unnerving her a bit. Also her parents are very strict on it; that doesn't help. I think we'll take a few steps back and let it develop slower. But I would like some more opinions on the matter, so I can make the best judgement. Thank you though, Marian. It's good to have female opinions on the matter so I could perhaps have a better perspective from her point of view.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): I know that there are people who will disagree with me completely but I agree with you. I think that some amount of sexual intimacy is essential for any relationship to be healthy and to keep the spark alive. But that said, it has to be completely within what each party wants and desires. Maybe you moved a bit too fast for your girlfriend?
I think this needs a face to face conversation, I personally hate intimate or important conversations over messaging or anything like that!
I would talk to your girlfriend, suggest you take it back a few steps to say, both keeping your pants on, and just enjoy exploring each other more innocently perhaps. And try to find out why she is suddenly changing her mind about this, but be open and non judgemental!
Just take it easy and make sure you both feel safe and comfortable! The only thing that caught my attention was you said you engaged in roll play. I know that I was a quite developed and precocious 15 year old, and I would have been a bit scared off if someone had suggested that to me... was this the first time you had done that? Im not sure what you did or what sort of roll play... but maybe that was it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): I can totally appreciate everything you have typed up here, and I'll just say that not only are you very mature in your manner of thoughts and your consideration for her, but she is one lucky girl if what you portray about yourself is true!I'm in a similiar situation with my boyfriend at the moment myself. I'll tell you how it makes me feel, from my perspective:- It makes me feel as though I am being used, although I know he respects what I think and how I feel about things like this. But It IS pressure. It feels constant. Its a pressure to re-enact the fact that I find him sexually attractive and him me. What he doesn't seem to understand is that despite the fact I love him, it is NOT a representation of how much I love him if I do not feel the need to "perform".The opposite, really! I see the fact of NOT having to do sexual things together to prove yourselves is "a form of mutual understanding", or, in simplier terms, a secure, comfortable level that we have risen to in our relationship.So all I'm saying is, Communicate if you want this to work. Tell her how this makes you feel, tell her you have a high drive and that it purely isn't that you are wanting her to fullfil JUST your own needs, (EVEN IF YOU ARE, to say otherwise would make her feel incredibly insecure)-but its because you love her and that "spark" IS there. But you MUST sacrfice your own wants and needs for the sake of her happiness, too. - That, to me, is what a relationship is about :) Take care
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A
female
reader, anon-xo +, writes (13 March 2011):
I've only just recently turned 16 myself, and have you tried talking to her about why she has asked this? maybe you're asking for a bit too much to soon and she is too nervous to say anything, recently I have gone through things like this too, me and my boyfriend are really sexual one minute then the next one of our moods could randomly change and we could spend weeks without doing anything,and the other one of us being baffled as to why one of us would randomly not want to do anything sexual, its strange but it all depends on the person really, maybe she is just becoming nervous to the thought of sex if her parents are quite protective of her. Just if you have an open relationship and talks things through with one another things become more easier and personally I feel relationships are so much better when the couple is more open to one anothers opinion, just ask her and give her a chance to explain herself, I'm sure everything will work out :)
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