A
female
age
30-35,
*nnaMich
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now. We met up at a holiday park where I was working and When I went back home which was 4 hours away from where he lived, a guy who I had history with texted me and asked me if I was goin clubbing on the weekend. I then replied yeah I might be going with my friends but being blunt with him. He relied i might see you there then and I said ok. Nothing in it at all completly innocent. On the weekend I then wrote to him saying I'm not goin out and that was the end of txting. During the 2 weeks I went home me and my boyfriend were constantly speaking to each other every day and texting each other. I really did miss him and couldn't wait to see him. So when I went to stay with him he asked me to be with him and I said yes. Anyway that night I got added by the lad that texted me on BBM. At first I asked who it was and then he replied and also asked why I didn't go out on the weekend so I said I wanted go out but my friend didn't want to. Now I shown it to my boyfriend and he seems to think it looks dodgy. He said if I wernt interested in this lad anymore then why did I reply to the first text. I'm not interested in him anymore and I never will be. I know I should of deleted him of fb and his number because I had a bf but I just didn't think at the time but now I have. Anyway what I want to ask my boyfriend now is very paranoid about what happend as he thinks I did something behind his back which I did NOT I was crazy for him and still am. He is a gawjuss looking man and I don't find anyone else attractive. I also want to say I have cheated on my ex boyfriend who I was with from aged 13 -17 now there is no excuse for what I did and I certainly know it was wrong. Also I have told my partner about my past which took me a long time to admit. Bear in mind the guy who txted me was someone I cheated on my ex with. Could you answer please does anyone think I was bang out of order or should my boyfriend drop it because I didn't mean any harm? I have never cheated on my boyfriend and I never will I love him soo much and want to share everything with him. I know people say an ex smoker has more chance of smoking again as someone who has never smoked but I personally think just becuase I have cheated doesn't mean I will do it again. Personally I have found the one I love and wouldn't do it to him. Can someone help as my boyfriend uses this against me and thinks I cheat on him when I am at work. Last thing I have been living with him from the day we got together as we lived to far apart to stay together.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 August 2011):
 "he checks my phone, emails, fb which gets deleted"
He's not allowed to do this. Don't allow it. It is your personal space, and it is very much illegal to check someones private mails without permission. Change your passwords and make them good passwords too. If he can't trust you then you don't have a relationship. No good relationship comes out of him checking up on you, and the thing is if you let him continue to invade your private space you become less of a person in the relationship, and he wont respect you, nor will he ever stop to suspect you.
Your boyfriend needs to take a stand and either deal with his distrust in you (NOT by controlling you and checking up on you like you were some criminal), or he needs to walk away. This is disrespectful to you and destructive to the relationship.
You were not in the wrong to write that boy. Has it been a YEAR since it happened and he's been like this towards your for an entire YEAR? I was under the impression it happened recently, sorry. If it's been a year where he puts you down like this and accuses you... don't you think you deserve better? I think you do. I don't think anyone deserves to be treated this way, you're not his captive, you don't owe him anything. He has the choice to stay with you or walk, checking up on you, reading your messages and accusing you ARE NOT OPTIONS OR CHOICES HE HAS. He's not allowed to do that. You need to stop it from happening. If he can not accept that you didn't cheat and get over it then you need to leave him, because this isn't ok. You didn't do anything bad, and he has been punishing you for long enough without cause. In a court case this means he owes YOU big time, not the other way around. Unless HE is willing to make up to you for how he's treated you... walk.
A
female
reader, AnnaMich +, writes (23 August 2011):
AnnaMich is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your comments I completely understand. What I didn't mention was when he asked who it was, I did lie to him at first and say he is just someone I knew from college but the way my boyfriend acts is completely different to many men. He knows exactly when someone is lying and won't give up untill he gets an honest answer. I did look very nervous also. So he picked up on it and kept asking and asking until I gave into him and told him I had history with this guy but because I lied to him in the first place which I feel I did wrong for lying to him and I felt even worse for telling him. So basically I couldn't win and now he checks my phone, emails, fb which gets deleted. Also he does this thing where he makes me swear down on someone's life when he thinks I'm lying so I can prove I'm tell him the truth. After a year he has been making accusations at me all because I wrote back to that guy but being blunt. Can anyone answer if I was wrong to write back to him? I'm not the sort of person to ignore when someone writes to me as I'm quite a nice person like that.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (23 August 2011):
I can understand why your boyfriend doesn't like this. This other guy isn't just some random guy you know.. he's a man you had an affair with. Granted you were young and mistakes at such a young age doesn't carry as much weight as mistakes you make when you are older. But it wasn't that long ago! I can see why he is nervous. Try to understand it from his point of view.
You on the other hand should not have told him about your past, what you did to your now ex boyfriend. A boyfriend doesn't want to know. It only leads to mistrust and problems. You felt you should be open and honest, but you must understand that not all things should be said. It is OK to keep your worst mistakes to yourself in order to move on from them. No one has to say absolutely everything to their partner, especially not if they don't know if they can trust their partner or not. You shouldn't have told him you cheated in the past. You can't really blame him for being nervous now.
However, he has no right to accuse you of anything, but I fear he is not mature enough to understand this. Try to have a talk with him. Tell him how it all is, that he either believes in you and trusts you, or you have no relationship. You can't be in a relationship with a man who accuses you and puts you down because of your past, nor can he be in a relationship where he doesn't trust his girlfriend. So either you starts to work at your relationship to get over this problem, and start to gain trust in each other, or you need to end it.
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