A
female
age
36-40,
*amiraiken
writes:I am dating this guy, we get along superbly. We met and totally fell for each other extremely fast. We are extremely open in our relationship and are able to tell each other everything. Learning from past experiences we decided to hold out on having sex until a set date, and decided that until we are together for more than 2 months, providing we feel this way, will refrain from using the word "love." We are clearly falling for one another. The other day we were out for dinner and he tells me he is having a lunch/dinner get together with this girl that he use to sleep with. The first 2 weeks of our relationship he was screening calls from her, avoiding text messages and erasing emails. For some reason the other day he took a phone call from her, and they decided to meet up. He told her he has a girlfriend and she said she just wanted to be friends, and wanted to end things properly. Now this doesnt bother me, I am glad he wants to end these things so we can be together, but then he tells me he thinks they would be good friends and he would like to hang out with her more often. When I said this bothered me because they have an intimate past, he said it was just because I was young and people do it all the time. Am I just being too jelous? I feel as though this girl still has feelings for him and he is just oblivious to it, should I let it go and let him hang out with who he pleases?
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female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (17 May 2007):
 No, you are not being silly. These kind of relationships usually cause trouble and can create the deadly love triangle that you may have read about. I have tried to make male friends and always found other motives behind their apparent willingness to be just friends with me. With ex boyfriends it was the same when they tried to be friends...they wanted another thing entirely.
It can seem easy to go back to how a relationship was before, because of the emotional knowledge that is already there and physical knowledge is familiar territory. The risk is that it may not really feel like being unfaithful, just like popping back into a room you spent time in before, but of course IT IS! It is so easy to slip into or be tempted by. She sounds, from the frantic phone activity, to be giving him a lot of attention and I would guess she wants a piece of him with the intention of getting him back. There is no need to make a big song and dance about saying goodbye on this occasion that I can see -that is a load of rubbish.
Because he has had an inimate past with her it would be an beytrayal to you for him to be emotionally intimate with her now. That is what it would be, she would naturally discuss the relationship he has with you. This would exclude you and take away your trust and confidence.
A mature man would recognise this, but sadly he is not. He can't resist the attention I am afraid he will play about until you force him to stop. He may also try to make you feel unreasonable by saying that there is nothing in it and you are being paranoid. If you start to feel uncomfortable then you are right to. The reason is, he would rather see her as well as you than repect and accept your very valid and reasonable feelings. THAT is when you will start to feel that you are in competition with her, because he will be showing that he is putting seeing her above what you say.
You say you are in love, but how many times did you see your Mum and Dad, or any other mature couple still seeing their ex partners and having intimate chats/texts/phone calls? You don't, that is because relationships very rarely work like that. I come back to what I said in the beginning. He is too young to commit to you.
You are being very sensible and careful, now you have to consider being tough because it will show that you respect yourself and he will find that attractive (if you still want to be with him). Tell him that you don't feel he is ready for a solid relationship because he still feels the need to flirt with the past, despite the fact that every study you have read and every piece of information you have, shows you that his behaviour is risking your relationship. Tell him that you therefor are not convinced that you want to be with him, may be in future when he shows these qualities but for now, tell him that he is free to go.
Then turn your phone off and wait to see what happens, but if he does try to win you over stick to your conditions and insist on him proving that he means what he says before you accept it.
Look back at your past relationships that didn't work and see if you can see similarities. Did you trust your judgement then or ignore those little warning voices that were there at the start? I think they are back and you should listen to them. There is absolutely no reason why you should accept anything other than THE BEST. It is so hard when you are young and madly in love, but also need to use your head.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2007): IMO obviously, and if you don't mind a tad bluntness to my words, I don't think the matter of "letting him go" or "letting him do this and that" should even be considered. He should have the free will to do as he please. HOWEVER, IF he has any decency for considering your feelings, for sure, he would make it a priority to keep you well informed, while retaining his friendship with her.
Whether that female still has feelings for him or not, and whether she would try anything is just merely a test on the strength of your relationship with your boyfriend. IF your relationship continues to be strong and healthy, then no matter who gets in the way, your relationship will not falter. However, if your relationship had problems, cracks in the foundation, then it doesn't matter whether there is a third person or not. There are other factors of importance to work on rather than worry about if some Jane or Sandra will come and capture his heart.
In short, and sweetly: don't try to chain your man to you, it will only cause him resentment towards you over time.
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