A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey, My boyfriend and I have been together for just under a year, for the first 7/8 months, i was so happy and stable and confident in our relationship. But in the last 2 months or so, something rocked the boat, and its been constantly up and down. I am a bit of a thinker, and don't react to the smallest of things, i wait it out a bit to try and suss out what my real problem is. Sometimes one fall out helps me to realise what the problem is. But basically its heading towards, the way he behaves around a certain group of friends, they are about 4/5 years younger than him. They do give him a lot of attention. And I can see he loves it. He would do anything for any of them. But they are just finishing up uni, so the last 3/4 years he has known them theyve been wild, as you are at uni. Whenever he drinks with them is when it causes me most problems, they drink til early hours, and he stays there, (we set a boundary that he makes his way home - i dont care what time but please go to your own bed) they go clubbing, they rarely seem to be "civilised" when they all catch up. I feel he drinks too much. I checked his phone a couple of weeks ago with one particular girl from this group (they are all girls - he mostly has female friends but all from years ago, uni, school, travel etc) because he was always bringing her into convo, and i was beginning to wonder if i should be concerned. and I found some inappropiate stuff, nothing awful, or to say he is up to anything currently, but stuff that crosses my boundaries of friendship.So i began to wonder if they had a history, and are flirting, but he said no when i asked, and i believed him. Anyway we had one big heated discussion and we broke up in a tense situation, but decided we should talk when we both calmed down. Most of my issues are with him not being open, its making me feel like he is hiding stuff. So anyway, we had a break between the fri to tuesday.I took a look at his phone for a second time because I wanted to see if he was being truthful about something he had said. He was half truthful. He had said he didnt go out on fri or sat night, and didnt say anymore. In the phone, on the sunday his catch up drinks turned wild, he said he could not remember a thing he done and hopes that he wasnt abusive to anyone, but was feeling so hungover (im assuming he went to work feeling like this). She told him dont worry it was a fun night etc they also went on skype and met his parents and had a grand tour of their holiday home (his parents were on holiday) He mentioned none of this to me, in fact said he hadn't heard anything about his parents trip. (so i know next time i speak to his parents - one will say oh we had a giggle on that skype chat - and im going to say huh?) Why is he covering that all up? :(I sometimes have too much too drink around certain friends, but im with girls when I do it, and its not that often, it might happen about once every 2/3 months, and sometimes its just the two of us catching up over too much wine in the corner of a restaurant. Im not getting hammered in a group of guys.Agh - why not just be open? Even if he knows i wont approve of this behaviour, why not be honest and let me just walk away if i dont like it. I just feel like I have to play detective to find out if he's telling me the full story. I do believe he isnt cheating, which is why I dont get too angry with him, but I feel if someone drinks that much when out with that certain group, one day something might happen that he'll regret.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2012): I'm the original poster. There are four things here - a) he lied that he didn't go out. b)he said 'catch up' not a heavy night. c) he lied about not knowing anything about his parents trip. d)Then gets irresponsibly drunk for work the next day.
when i see his parents and they mention to me about catching up on skype - and i know nothing about it - then shocked because id sit and say i thought you hadnt spoken to your parents?
is getting so drunk you dont remember the night, a night before work really appropriate?
Do you really think i am being over the top, to not wonder. I said to him last tuesday you have to be open and honest with me, or i will think you are lying, i already asked him to.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 July 2012):
 You need to talk to him about it. You snooping around his phone is not the right path to go down, I can understand that you are suspicious but it needs to come from him. You need to sit down with him and be honest with him. Tell him what you have found, explain that you trust he has not been with anybody else but explain how it makes you feel when he hides things from you. My guess is he just wants to avoid arguments and that's why he does not tell you, but still this is not healthy for a relationship. So it is time you are honest with him, tell him you went through his phone and tell him he needs to be honest with you or else this relationship is not going to work. Good luck.
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