A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone, Quick back story: My boyfriend is in the Marines and he is currently deployed to Afghanistan. We've been together for a year and a half and had been friends about 5 years before we started dating. The problem: I started a care package drive for his battalion and ended up sending 71 boxes over there this past summer. I worked really hard and had to go through a ton of hoops to get this done but I wanted to do it. I know how happy it makes the men and women to have support from home so I busted my butt to do this. He said "thanks" 1 time and in a very disingenuous tone. His only other comment was a complaint about the large amount of soup.It seems that this is a common theme in our relationship. I try so hard to do things for him and to make him happy. I am nothing but faithful, loving, and supportive of him even on his worst days (and I understand this comes with the territory of being on your 3rd deployment by age 22). But I don't get anything in return, in fact, I get the least attention that he gives to his friends and family back home. I'll check his facebook page and see he has written to several other girls telling them when he'll be home and he's looking forward to seeing them. He bought 3 other girls Christmas gifts last year and didn't buy me anything. Granted they weren't big gifts he gave them but it's as if I'm not even important enough to give something to. I rarely get phone calls when he has a phone to use and hear through mutual friends he is calling other people including other girls.I don't want to make it seem like I care about the gifts or about the attention. But I feel that I put so much into this relationship and continuously get nothing in return. I don't feel appreciated. I find that there's a trend where I start having these negative feelings about the relationship and I start to pull back. It seems almost as soon as that happens, he comes on really strong, sending me loving e-mails and saying he can't wait to be with me and whatnot. But why does it happen only when it seems like he's going to lose me?Not only that, I don't feel like myself with him. I can't be honest because when I tell him my opinion, he'll literally yell at me if it's not congruent with his. He makes fights about winning and losing and has said on several occasions that he can't "lose" an argument to a female. I struggle to make conversation when we do talk and with everyone else in my life, I'm a chatterbox.I know I should probably end things but I don't feel I can. He's coming back in a matter of weeks and I think that I should wait to see him in person to break up with him. I just don't know if this is the right thing to do and I know I don't deserve to be treated like this but I can't understand why it's so hard for me to let go. Any suggestions from an outsiders perspective are greatly, greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 November 2011):
 I agree if he's going to be home soon (a matter of weeks) that you should wait and do it in person....
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 November 2011):
 Your boyfriend treats you the way he does because for him the thrill is in the hunt, not the acquisition. He’s stationed abroad risking life and limb because he ISN’T into playing it safe. He may be performing a valuable (and much appreciated) service to his country, but he has chosen that career path because he craves adventure and your unconditional love and attention aren’t giving it to him. When you pull back, you offer him a challenge with the possibility of risk (losing you) or reward (winning you). The hunt resumes and the excitement returns.
The only way to keep this relationship exciting is to keep the hunt going forever. And since the ‘reward’ for you is being unable to relax and be yourself around him, there doesn’t seem to be much point in investing the time or effort.
It may only be a matter of weeks, but that is a long time to have to go through the motions of pretending to be his girlfriend when your heart just isn't in it. He's bound to notice something is up and you'll have to work that much harder to reassure him. How long do you think you can keep that up? And even if you do manage to convince him, you’re going to feel even worse for having given him false hope.
I absolutely agree with C. Grant in that it's best for your boyfriend to know what he's coming home to.
Besides, and forgive me for saying this, but he seems to have other female companions on stand by so I daresay he will probably have something else lined up for his return if you’re not around. You're putting yourself through this turmoil for nothing. You look out for YOU. Rest assured he will take care of himself.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 November 2011):
 If it is only a matter of a few weeks then I think you should wait until he comes back. But this is your call. If you can't wait that long then don't wait until he returns. It can be for the best to tell him right away, instead of playing a charade and act as if everything is fine when it really isn't. But that's your call.
I do however think you are right in letting him go. You just aren't a good match, and you aren't getting your needs met. And a man wont change, not when it comes to these things. He's putting other people before you and not giving you the attention and priority you deserve or need. And no matter how many times you tell him, he wont change.
I know a little bit of how you feel, as I too had an ex who would put others above me. It made you feel worthless. My ex had people all the time contacting him and wanting to hang out that he didn't have time for me, he didn't ask me to hang out because he was so used to everyone calling him (so he never had to make the first move), and if I didn't "book" him in time it could be weeks between each time we saw each other. I couldn't stand waiting in line for my own boyfriend, spending dates with him on his phone texting other female friends of his. So I know how it feels to not be prioritized, and I couldn't take it either.
As for the coming on strong.. that's nice in itself, but he should be coming on strong 100% of the time, and not just when he sees he's losing grip around you. I mean, he should make you feel wanted and amazing just because you are you, and because he values you, every day of your relationship. Swinging between not bothering to get you a gift for Christmas, and not appreciating your hard work (even complaining about the soup), and the going to love e-mails etc, well, it just isn't enough. It's a temporary satisfaction that makes you hold on just a little bit longer, but you're nearing the end at a slower pace, that's all.
Find someone who treats you like a princess and makes you feel valued and appreciated, not just randomly here and there, but all the time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): I think you should wait and break up with him in person. He hasn't been treating you very well,and being a marine on deployment is no excuse for that, even though he is living through hell at the moment. Breaking up with someone via text, email or over the phone is tacky in my opinion, not to mention cowardly. You are obviously a very caring and respectful woman, would you want to be dumped by letter, email or text message, I know I wouldn't. If it is a matter of weeks until he returns, then my advice is wait, you will respect yourself more in the end if you do.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (11 November 2011):
 My heart fell when I saw the first few lines of your post. I hate the thought of a guy serving overseas getting news of a breakup. I only have an inkling of what it's like over there, but it ain't pretty. And holy crap, 22 and on his third deployment?! This a guy who's had a whole lifetime of experience in a very short span of time.
Regardless, you have enough information now to know what a relationship is going to be like with him. Whether he stays in the Marines and is therefore subject to future deployment, or gets out, he's always going to be a Marine. Cutting him slack for the fact that he's been on deployment, you nonetheless know how he's going to treat relationships. Personally I think that the fraction of the population who can have successful relationships with such men is sadly small; he hasn't shown that he's able to meet your needs, and that isn't likely to get better once he's back. That's no knock against him -- what he's been called to do is exceptional, but it takes a toll, and few women can stand that.
My two cents is that it's better for him to know what he's coming home to, or not in this case. If you're sure this isn't the relationship for you, tell him now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 November 2011):
 Yikes, I know how it is with a loved one deployed. My hubby used to tell me don't make car packages as he could get "everything" over there, I still made him some from me and the kids and he still... would point out stuff I "should" have added.
I don't think anyone who hasn't been over "there" can even begin to imagine how hard their jobs are emotionally, physically and mentally. Though that is not an excuse as to why they act like idiots at times. Just an explanation.
You BF seems to have some rather severe gender-issues as in he can't lose an argument to a girl? WTF? lol
Personally I would make every converstation short and sweet, avoid conflict and arguments and yes, I would wait til he got home to end it. If you still feel that way when he gets home.
Oh and this year, make his christmas gift small. Don't overdo it. And as nice of you as it is to make all those care packages, do it for YOU - because it makes YOU feel better, don't do it in hope that he might actually realize what a gem he has.
I'm sorry :( Deployments are rough on both ends. I think some soldiers in general have a hard time doing their job fully and still pay attention to the home life.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 November 2011):
 Marines are such alpha males. I know because I dated a few before I met my husband.
He should be grateful for the care packages you sent, and no complaints about any of it. But at least he did say "thank you" even though it was that one time.
As far as phone calling goes in Afghanistan, depending upon what he does, they don't always have access to a phone and the internet doesn't work every single night over there.
Now, him buying other girls Christmas gifts and you zilch is extremely crappy of him. Did he even make you a gift, a card?? That would make me feel less than what I'm worth.
I too think you should break up with him, but I believe you should do it over the phone or internet. Why? One it will be easier for you to dump him this way without him trying to worm his way back. Be firm and tell him it's over. Secondly, I think it's really disrespectful for a girl to dump her military boyfriend on the spot when he just got back from being over in the awful place for a year. If you're going to do it, dump him. There's no need to wait any longer.
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