A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I need some advice on whether I should move in and live with my bf before we get engaged. We've been together 1 year and are very happy:) We live apart, but spend 2-3 nights together each week (we both work full time, shift work). He's asked me several times to move in with him. This makes me happy, but I am reluctant to move in with him until we become engaged. He's said he would like us to marry and have a family, and said he'd like us to be married within the next 2 years. He hasn't formally proposed, but I would be extremely happy if he did:) He's also asked if we can open a joint savings account to save up for a holiday, and for a deposit on a future house:)Anyway, I'm wondering if I should wait for him to propose before I move in with him, or whether I should move in with him first and wait for a proposal?I'm reluctant to rush into moving in with him because I lived with my ex-bf for 7 years and he ended up cheating on me, leaving me having to find a place of my own and start all over, and I never want to go through that again:( Our relationship had gone stale, and I think we were taking each other for granted. My ex and I had never really spoken about marriage, and I never thought about marrying him, although we did talk about having a family a few times. I guess I think that if me and my current bf were engaged, I'd feel more secure about his commitment to us, and feel that moving in with him would be a safe thing to do (emotionally as well as in practical terms). A lot of people have said to me it is a mistake to live with a man without being engaged, as they then have no incentive to propose. I really don't know what to do. I've told my bf that I am a little scared to jump into living together because of what happened to me in the past, but he was hurt by this, and said he wants me to trust him enough to live with him. He also 'jokes' that he wants me to move in with him because then I'd do his ironing! We've agreed that we will 'live with' each other for 2 days each week to start with and take things from there.Part of me wants to jump into it and live with him now, as I love him very much, and miss him when I'm not around him. But part of me thinks I should hold out until there is a higher level of commitment (i.e., a proposal) there. On the other hand, I know that people can cheat on their fiances, and can't understand why being engaged would make me feel more secure...it's all a little confusing:(Any advice would be welcome:)
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2011): Reading your post, it is clear that you would PREFER that your boyfriend proposes prior to living together. That's your preference and you should follow it. I, too refused to move in with my long distance boyfriend (now fiance) until he put a ring on it. Then again, that was my personal conviction and one I never intended to compromise. If you want marriage, I would recommend waiting. I see so many people moving in together and nothing coming out of it. I definitely think that men benefit more from this type of arrangement than women. Women usually cook, clean and organize more than men do in the household. They have daily access to your body and you share expenses. Why live as pseudo-married couple without the full commitment? It makes no sense to me personally.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): (From OP): thanks @Rescuer. I agree with what you're saying about relationships. I've never been the marrying kind before, and always thought you don't need to be married to have a committed, loving relationship, but I wonder if that's because I've never met someone I've loved in the way that I love my current bf before. To be honest, my bf is the one who is keen on marriage, and now that he has mentioned it, I kinda feel amazingly happy and like that's what I'd like to happen. I also feel a little under pressure from him...he's said he wants our relationship to 'move forward'...i.e., living together/engagement/wedding/kids, whereas I am happy as we are, but would like these things further ahead in the future...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): If you really want marriage, DO NOT move in until you get the ring and a set wedding date. ONLY then do you open joint accounts and the like. Hopefully it will be moving into the house you buy together (both names on the title) and not into HIS apartment where you might live for many years waiting to get married!!!
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