A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ugh, so I have quite the problem here. I have a boyfriend of 6 going on 7 months. We've known each other previously for almost 4 years. I've always wanted him, from the first time I saw him. At first, everything was well. Then came a ton of irritations and problems, and finally, I met another boy.When my boyfriend stood me up on dates, he would pick me up and we would go out. When my boyfriend didn't want to talk to me, we would talk over the phone or text. My boyfriend has been jobless for the entire time we've been going out (even before hand), he had a job and insisted on paying for everything. Anything I wanted, he gave to me. You could say I was more than attracted to this guy for the way he treated me, but no matter how hard he may have tried, I still couldn't break up with my boyfriend.I understand now, that I may love my boyfriend, but I'm not IN love with him. If that was the case, I wouldn't feel this way towards anyone. Sure, I'd be attracted to other men, but I wouldn't consider leaving my boyfriend for them. But with this boy, I did.We almost broke up on New Year's Eve. We hadn't seen each other for two weeks. The week before New Year's we were suppose to go out with the money he got for Christmas, but he stood me up, again. I hung out with the other boy, instead. All that week, I avoided him. He called me on New Year's wanting to hang out, but I honestly wanted to be by myself. But I thought if I told him that, he would worry. So instead I told him I was going out with my best friend, for she was leaving the next day to return back to college, and we were going to a party. It didn't work. He got upset and told me that wasn't fair, that we had made plans and that I couldn't just drop them like that (Even though he did that to me plenty of times). And he still got worried, asking me why I've been so distant and if there was anything wrong. I kept saying, "I don't know" and "I'm sorry". When things got too much I agreed to hang out with him. When I did, however, he was sobbing, grabbing me and begging him not to leave him. That he loved me and needed me, and that he would do anything to keep me around. I felt like shit. I told him all the things that had been bothering me, like the excuses, him not having a car, the lack of having a job (and the lack of motivation to FIND one), and other things. He promised to change, but I was still reluctant. That's when he asked if it was anyone else...I didn't tell him that I was attracted to someone else until the end of the day when he dropped me off at home. He had flipped out, telling me that he knew that this was going to happen and that he was a piece of shit and no one wanted him. I felt bad for making him feel that way, so I decided to stick around and try to make it work.Now, he is trying to keep his promise. He has been trying really hard to find a job and he claims to have found one (we will have to see because he lied to me about having one early in our relationship). He has asked his Dad if he could get his car back, and that's appositely is on it's way, too. There has been no excuses, instead he has been wanting to hang out a lot more often. He also talks to me more, too. Always asking how I feel and if there's anything he can do. I still feel like shit.Today, the boy I was extremely attracted to basically "broke-up" with me (I don't know what else to call it! Haha). I wasn't having an affair, but we did every thing together. He told me that he liked being with me, but he just felt weird about me having a boyfriend, and he didn't want to ruin someone else's happiness. I thought that was silly, because before he would always talk about how he didn't care what my boyfriend thought/feel about us hanging out, and he always told me that my happiness was what mattered most to him. He always told me, "Do what makes you happy". When I told him that, he just said, "It's just too much." I asked if it was because of his ex (I knew he still liked her, call it a girl's instinct if you must), and he said, "you're right, I'm still not over her, but I'm in no shape to be with anyone right now". Which equals, in my book, "I found someone else I'm interested in, I'm just going to say that I'm not ready so you'll leave me alone so I can be in a relationship a week after this talk" (Okay, who knows that? But still, guys/girls do that). And then he said that he wanted to be friends. Which in my book equals, "let's never talk again". I stopped texting him after a while. I was upset, but eh, call it karma.Even so, after I thought about it for a while, I made a realization that I'm not in any shape to be with anyone, either. Here I am basically "talking" to another guy while I have a boyfriend, who is trying so hard to stay with me. I know I'm not as happy as I am with him, and every time that I'm away from him, I always think about ending it, but I can't find it in me to break-up with him. It's because I don't want to hurt him, I don't want his efforts to go to waste, I don't want to regret it later on in the future, and I don't want him to move and find someone else. But he's going to hurt either way, his efforts are already wasted, I probably will regret it, and he probably will move on a find someone else. Any person is better than me, someone who can't even fully appreciate the things that he tries to do, or does.Everyone tells me to try a little harder. That he loves me, and everyone always says that we're perfect together. But it feels like I'm dying, here. I'm still not sure on what to do.Should I wait, talking it out, and see what happens? Or should I break up with him? And if I do, how can I do it without freezing up and changing the subject to save face?
View related questions:
affair, best friend, broke up, christmas, his ex, money, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, clarebear  +, writes (3 February 2011):
 Hang on a sec, you're not the only one that's gone through this.
I empathize with you completely. The same thing happened to me about 6 months ago. I'd been with my boyfriend for a year, and at first i thought he was great, but about 7 months into the relationship i started to see how much of a lazy, ignorant, pathetic, and completely immature loser that he was.
I started to tell him that i was feeling distant, and when i started a new course at college, i met a wonderful guy who is absolutely perfect. He would always talk to me about everything, and always listen to how i was feeling.
Last year, i decided to break up with my boyfriend, and instead of letting me go civilised, he got violent. He bruised my arm where he grabbed me, and threw my stuff into roadworks!
I'm now over him, and i'm now with the guy from college. Thing's are going perfectly.
I'm not saying that your boyfriend will get violent, but it sounds as though you really need to see who is best for you. Who will make you happy? And more importantly, who will treat you respectfully.
Goodluck, and i hope you're happy with whatever decision you make.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): @Anon; I don't believe that I'm dependant on him? I have a car, a job, and I go to college part-time. Whenever we did go out, I would pay. Movies (home/theatre), eating out, groceries, things like that. I would even pay for small things even when we didn't go out, like condoms.
It just became too much for me, and I stopped all together with the spending. Now all we do is sit around in his house and talk, watch TV, or invite his friends over. Almost every time I see him. I don't ever complain because I don't want it to upset him. I think that's caring? When you care more about the other person's feelings than your own.
I'll admit that I don't respect him. Yes, I know that much. But I do love him, we've been through so, so much. I've always been there for him, through everything! He even said so himself, that I know more about him than anyone. I've always been there to pick him up, weighed he needs me or not. If he has a problem with something that I do, I will drop it, even if I really don't want to! If he wants to suddenly come over and I had plans? Fuck it, I'll forget the plans and let him come over. I was even considering changing my degree so I can stay with him instead of moving to NY!
But it's not health the way I've been treating him, so I will definitely take your advice into mind. Thank you very much for taking the time out to answer me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): You should tell him: 'We are not having a discussion or a conversation about this, I have made up my mind, we are breaking up.' and then walk away.Your question was incredibly long winded. I have to say that you're behaviour isn't very good. I don't think you love your boyfriend or care about him and you definitely don't respect him. Why do you care if he has a car? It sounds to me like you're more concerned with using him than caring for him. I think you should be alone because you obviously don't understand what relationships are for and the other guy who 'broke up' with you, was smart to realise it.It sounds to me like you're dependent on these guys, which is unhealthy. You should learn how to take care of yourself financially and emotionally, otherwise your relationships will always be problematic.
...............................
|
