A
female
age
51-59,
*rchidRose
writes:After my non-acceptance or being able to make sense of the sexy, lets see where this will lead communication between my boyfriend and his old colleague... he still has not contacted me. NOR has he broken up officially. Is his silence an indication we are over or does he need space to be angry at me alone?Im in a kind of limbo here. He stated 'don't bother me' until he contacts me.He did mention that he was not sure he wanted to ever talk to me again. He is too insulted and feels disrespected because I put his integrity in question.The letters did that all on their own. I did not do anything except see them and read his making plans to meet another woman early on in our relationship.I feel like the spare wheel as he chose her needs over mine. The mind still boggles over that one.Do I wait or ask what the deal is?The not knowing is almost unbeartable. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 October 2013):
 Hey, they're out there, I know.
Maybe your radar needs some adjusting, if you keep ending up with the jerks. Something to consider seeing a therapist about?
Best wishes as you go through the healing process.
A
female
reader, OrchidRose +, writes (9 October 2013):
OrchidRose is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you Tisha-1 for your answer,
Hard reading but most likely very true. I am well aware of those stages... not pleasant to go through but necessary.
I am too trusting on one hand which has made me prey too these kinds of narcisstic characters.
I want to believe that people are essentially good despite my terrible ex marriage I still have hope that there is someone out there that is kind, honourable and loving!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 October 2013):
Reading your followup, I would proceed on the assumption that you are broken up, because he knows he's been caught having an affair. An emotional affair, perhaps, but still.
He said he valued honesty and would never reject you because that is what you wanted to hear at the time and he obviously was comfortable with lying. Or maybe, when push came to shove, his ethics and integrity didn't coincide with his choices and he had to eject something from his life. That something was you, sadly.
Why are you sitting around waiting for him to stop being angry? Why aren't you taking your righteous anger and turning it into the metaphorical cleaver that will chop him right out of your life?
There are stages to grief, as you may know, and you are grieving a relationship. They are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You are still in the denial phase. Eventually, you may move through the next ones, and it is fluid, you may move forward then back again.
You are sorting through his motives and trying to understand him. There's no point in that, really and truly there isn't. What he didn't isn't rational or logical or nice. So what's the point in understanding how a jerk and a liar and a hypocrite thinks? There is none. All you'll get is dysfunction.
You are not in limbo. You are broken up. You just need to grasp that.
This happened to a friend of mine. My take on it was the guy was insecure and projecting an image of himself to her and when that illusion was shattered, he simply stopped contacting her. After promising never to do that to her. He was a big fat fraud and so is your EX. He is your EX now. Start to think of him that way and you can start to mourn and heal and move on properly.
Best wishes.
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female
reader, OrchidRose +, writes (8 October 2013):
OrchidRose is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your answer. I am trying to make sense of this loss. We spoke of trust and honesty often. Thats why this was such a shocker.He knew of my past marriage serial cheating husband of 9 years. I finally was strong enough to say no more. BF let me on his FB on a whim, and because I had an earlier concern about him counselling this woman and his desire to go see her alone that I just had to see for myself. The mails were worse than I could have imagined. BF even said they were more 'intense' than he thought.She turns him on still. He wants to meet to see where this would lead. No counselling talk as he said. I felt like a third wheel to their private romance.He has denied feelings for her but the mails prove otherwise.When I wanted an explanation he folded his arms, wouldnt look at me and said he didnt want to explain anything.This is the man wh said he valued honesty above all else. who said he'd never reject me no matter what. He's pushed me away without even breaking it off. Just cut out of his life.
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reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (8 October 2013):
 Hi OrchidRose,
Thank you for the reply.
I'm sure you are broken, this is a horrible thing to have happened to you.
There's absolutely no doubt that your guy was cheating on you, based on the things you say he wrote in the letter.
Even if he didn't act upon his feelings he was still leading someone on, and that includes you, however......
I don't know how you found the letters and wonder as to whether his anger isn't just about being caught out but that because you've snooped through his emails, post or phone texts!
Don't get me wrong it still does NOT excuse what he's done but it would go to prove that you didn't trust him BEFORE you found out that you COULDN'T trust him.
I know it sounds crazy but if a relationship does not have trust, especially in it's infancy, then it's going nowhere.
If you did snoop then what you need to address is why you didn't trust him enough that you had to check up on him in the first place!
Snooping is never good, if you find nothing you've breached that persons trust and violated their privacy, if you do find something incriminating then you can't reveal what you know without confessing to your own crime.
Point to note, snooping and finding nothing will NOT make you feel better, you'll just search harder until you find something that you can interpret as cheating!
Also serial cheaters, players and fraudsters become very clever and efficient at covering their tracks so finding nothing does not mean they haven't been naughty!
My worry for you, if you did snoop, was why? Have you done this in previous relationships? If you have, then especially after this incident, you may feel justified in doing it again in any future relationships.
Please, work on your trust issues, get a counsellor if necessary, and, in your next relationship, talk to your partner about your fears and discuss your feelings and reasons for them with him before you go through his stuff.
This current dilemma is hard for you, I know, but hang on in there. This guy has been caught out and is trying to twist the tables to exonerate his own behaviour.
Be strong sweetheart, I hope this helps AB x
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female
reader, OrchidRose +, writes (7 October 2013):
OrchidRose is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Aunty Babbit,
Thank you for your reply.
I know in my head what the right thing is but I'm quite broken over this. The fact that I only found this out 2 months later is where he can't understand why I can't drop it. That NOTHING has happened. That he was just 'making her feel good'. That he is not a cheater. I was rereading our last communication and he wrote such awful things.
He basically said I insulted his integrity.
I won't drop it and he can't live with that.
His ex-wife used to also doubt his loyalty to her (I wonder why now).
He seemed like the loyal guy. Said he wouldn't lie. Yet to find this kind of communication and blow it off as nothing is just crazy.
My mind cannot comprehend it and I didn't let it go and now I've basically been dumped because he can't live with a woman who can't trust him.
If this was written before we became exclusive and he says nothing happened. Fine. But it happened when we were so newly committed and 'in love' etc. That is what is hurting.
I think being made out to be the 'pig' in this story is what's hard to swallow. He basically slammed the door in my face.
He didn't even have the decency to break up with me properly. He said DON'T BOTHER ME: Don't call/text/write whatever because he is so pissed off that I don't trust him.
Maybe nothing has happened in the two months since he wrote the letter, yet he still made plans to go see her which means they must be communicating. I can't be that much of an idiot? She wrote "Thinking of you sweetie" on his birthday FB status and he fobbed it off as "that's how she talks".
If he didn't want to be involved with me why did he continue? That is the question rattling around my brain.
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reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (7 October 2013):
Let me get this right, you caught your boyfriend writing flirtatious letters to a colleague and HE's the one who feels insulted?
Take a step back and look at this situation.
You're boyfriend is pursuing another woman.
It doesn't make any difference if he's had sexual intercourse with her or not he's insinuating that he would like to have a relationship with her.
He's meant to be in a relationship with you so this is unfaithful.
If he's only toying with her then not only is he being unfaithful to you he's also being unkind to her.
You've confronted him and his response is that of a typical player, twist this around and make the girlfriend out to be the bad guy.
He then treats you with total disrespect and tells you off like a little child and then dangles you in limbo whilst he pursues the other woman.
Why on earth are you allowing him this much control over you?
He's behaved like a total pig and you're just sitting there like a faithful puppy hoping that he forgives you and allows you back into the fold or finally ends it.
Please, please have some self respect and drop him.
Why are letting him treat you like this? Aren't you worth more?
I hope this helps AB x
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