A
female
age
30-35,
*opelessinlove25
writes:A few months ago I met an amazing guy a couple years older than me. He is going through the end of a divorce, though. She filed against him over a year ago and has moved on. He, however, says that he is not ready for a relationship yet.We hang out and talk on almost a daily basis. He knows I like him, we kiss and cuddle and I have stayed at his house. I am pretty sure he likes me, too, because he initiates a good deal of the kissing and has asked me to come over. He also says little things like "You'll find out that I'm an honest guy" and "I invited you over because I don't know you that well yet".A few days ago, I upset him a bit by some things I said. The next day he confronted me about it. He stated he was not mad at me, but that my comments had bothered him a little. He then said that a mutual friend seemed to be trying to push him towards a relationship with me. I explained that I did enjoy getting to know him, but I knew he was not looking for anything right now and I apologized for the things I said and my friend's behavior. His honesty brought me to tears because I felt like a jerk, and I have never been comfortable with someone having that much influence over my emotions in so little time. But I can't pull myself away, there is just something about him.So, getting to my question, what should I do?I really like this guy and I'm not ignorant to his situation with his ex/soon-to-be-ex wife. I don't want to push him into anything he isn't ready for, but I do want a relationship with him when he is ready. Then again, I am absolutely terrified that he will break my heart.He's such an amazing guy I adore everything I know about him so far and I want to know more. Should I wait for him to be ready, keep talking and getting to know each other more, and risk the chance of getting my heart broken again? Or should I play it safe and end it now?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 July 2012):
 Oh so what he has is a trust issue. He knows you like him now, maybe even falling in love with him right now. Since he is not opening his heart for you, he does not care whether you are the one as of now, or later. He does not care if you are trying to change his attitude, prove that you are a better woman than his ex. He has no trust that a woman would stay in love for a long time, that's why he will not plunge into another relationship. His ex sounds like a player, but he might take it personally and suspect that there is something wrong with him, therefore she fell out of love. When everyone around him knows about the marriage, it is embarrassing that people gossip about the failure of the marriage. It will take time for him to understand not every woman is his ex. He also needs time to come to terms with the last relationship. I do believe there are two sides of a story. He needs to understand the part he played too. How long are you willing to wait for, I don't know. You are already too attached to want to leave him alone. Hard to do I know, I do agree you have to distance him emotionally and physically. No clever guy is going to tell you he is just in for the sex. But the way this is progressing, the kissing and cuddling, all it takes is the passion of the moment for sex to happen. You might say his intention is not sex, okay but his intention is "kissing cuddling even dry humping who knows what else" without commitment. "I am not ready for anything serious." should be a universal deterrent for people to continue but somehow it only made it the more tempting.
Make yourself a timeline. You could only shield yourself for so long. Would you wait 6 months, a year, 3 years for him to be ready without feeling resentful? Can you keep your emotions in check? When you feel emotional and like he doesn't care, it is you who put yourself in this situation. You have the power to tell him to start over when he is ready. You can't say later that he has played you because he warned you already. Since you are taking a risk you can't say he is breaking your heart. You can't go into any relationship fearing the unknown. Be prepared there is a chance you will hear these words, "Sorry, I just don't feel it anymore." He is waiting to be ready for the exact same reason you should be waiting too. We are going to die one day, of cancer, old age, or a bad accident. The knowledge of our demise should not stop us from enjoying today, but when you are constantly obsessed about something that you can't control, it's time you sit back and slow down your mind and tell yourself that a romantic relationship isn't the end all be all, the lack of it should not break you. If you don't feel you can rely on yourself when you suddenly become single one day then you yourself should wait too.
I still think that the best way to feel ready for a relationship is to be single for a while. no excuses. Being single means not even phone calls.
A
female
reader, hopelessinlove25 +, writes (18 July 2012):
hopelessinlove25 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjannipeg... I feel like I need to clarify a couple things. I am friends with his friends, and they were all around for the divorce. She had been hanging around other guys and said she just was not in love with him anymore and wanted a divorce. And we had discussed before we started hanging out one on one that he was not ready for anything. He is not in it for sex, because we are not having sex and he never makes attempts or even mentions sex.
He only tells me about his marriage when I ask, or when we are discussing things we have experienced in past relationships that we don't want to experience in future relationships. He is genuine, and honest even when people wish he would lie to make them feel better.
I have no doubts about his intentions, a five year old could tell that there was something between us, my only issue is if I should stick around and wait it out or not.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 July 2012):
 If you want a relationship with him when he’s ready then you need to stop being available now. Right now you are the transitional woman and he will slot you in that role and never see you as more than that…
He’s giving you all the signs that he’s not up for a relationship of depth… and if he’s not looking for anything right now, he will not see you as that type of friend and when he is ready for someone to be serious with you will already be the “rebound” or “transitional” girl and he will never get past that with you….
I think that at this point you are already set up for heartbreak.. If he can already bring you to tears…. To protect yourself, I’d distance myself emotionally and physically from him…
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (16 July 2012):
I would be really cautious. In any relationship you get vulnerable and there is always a change of getting hurt. The fact that you have to mention this in your title, and the word, "again," may imply that you are not ready for a relationship either. He should be waiting until the divorce is final before he dates someone. He is kind enough to say he is not ready for anything serious, but only after you kissed and felt intimate. He seems to bring out that insecurity in you, more so than an average guy without the divorce drama. He is still young, and already is going through divorce a year ago. What does this say? That the marriage was a sham? That they divorce for superficial reasons such as they work too much and didn't get enough time together? He cheated? He may not tell you the truth about the divorce. He could paint her in the worst picture and claim he's the victim.
"You'll find out that I am an honest guy."
Why make a special mention of that? Has anyone said otherwise about him?
"I invited you over because I don't know you quite well."
He is saying this so he doesn't look like he is just for the sex. He can know you just as much if you are sitting in a public setting, like a cafe. He does not need to know you in a sexual way right now.
There is something about him. Yes, he must be very charming and can push your emotional buttons.
Don't understand too much about what your mutual friend said and why it bothered him. What kind of friend is she/he to push you into a relationship with a man who is still not divorced? It is very reasonable that you wait. I don't get why this is something to apologize about. He is trying to plant a seed in your head and to condition you to think only good thoughts about him, and to turn off your caution.
If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt that's up to you. I believe you could get to know him without getting attached at the same time. You don't have to kiss him in order to get him to tell you about his marriage. Add two and two together. If his stories don't make any sense, then trust your instinct that maybe he's not the amazing guy you know.
You don't have to end it cold turkey. You already showed that you like him. Tell him to contact you only when the divorce is final and when he is ready to be in a relationship again. That would show him you demand more than this vagueness and won't let him bullshit you.
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