A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This issue is a bit tricky and I need an external view I met a guy online 6 months ago , he lives in Argentina, he is 5 years younger than me, I live in Europe, we talk constantly every day including video calls , although the time is different , I have feelings for him but I cannot say that I love him ,I am not sure about my feelings, I would say that I like him.I am sure that he has feelings for me, but recently I started to lose my feelings towards him, for no reason, he is not the first thing I think about when I wake up. When we first talked, I liked him a lot and I promised him of a summer vacation in South Europe , when I promised I thought that the prices are reasonable , knowing his situation, I don’t think that he will be able to afford this, his salary does not cover his day to day expenses and there is no way that he would be able to make to Europe. So I have to take care of everything !! which is a bit hard, Yes I can afford but this will not make me satisfied either. So Few months ago I told him that I will buy you a flight to Europe in July, but now I don’t see this as a good idea, and whenever he mentions the trip, I tell him to wait as I am still planning Flights are so expensive and the holiday will cost me more money if he comes, hotels, food and transport etc.. Everything will be double on me ! I am afraid if I bought a flight for him I will be stressed about the money and the entire holiday will be stressing. but I would do this if I truly love him, but I don’t think that I do, also I care about him and I want him to enjoy Europe. I am afraid to regret the decision later of not bringing him and to feel more guilty ( I really want to make him happy but afraid) Flights are going higher and higher! I go online to check the flights and every time I started to book a flight for him, something stops me and tells me to wait and telling me not to take the risk and add extra expenses on you and he might destroy my vacation. Some ideas in my mind are to wait maybe for next year until I am sure about my feelings, but on the other hand if I travel alone I would feel guilty I don’t know what should , I cannot think or decided , I have 2 opinions ,yes and no, so I am not sure how to deal with that
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2017): Just go to a cheaper country, Malaysia or something and have a holiday there is like super cheap there so I'm pretty sure you'll be able to afford it
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 April 2017):
 I just cannot see how this is meant to work. You have never even met each other, yes you may speak over video camera, but it is not enough to fall in love with someone. Body language in a relationship is very important and you both will never know if you have a connection unless you spend time together. The only way off making this happen will cost you a fortune and you might see that you are not as attracted to him as you first thought. My opinion is do not enter in to a long distance relationship where only you can afford trips where you can both meet face to face. I would be honest with him tell him it is going to be to expensive for you to afford.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2017): Hhhmmmm.. you may not like what I have to say......I sense from reading your post that the bulk of your hesitation and stress comes from having to pay for his trip.Be honest with yourself - if he were to pay his own airfare, lodging, and food expenses... and even invited you to stay, free of charge, with him at his hotel room, would you be eager and excited? If he told you that he planned a romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant for you, will it make your heart beat in anticipation of his arrival?In a long distance relationship, just as any other relationship, at some point one person will bear a bigger burden than the other person, vice versa. It was a nice gesture for you to have offered the trip, but if you are stressing about money, then please be upfront about it. Couples/Friends make it work. Both of you can save for the trip and plan on meeting during travel low season (such as Sept, Oct, March, April), stay at a budget friendly lodge and have budget friendly meals. It can work, but requires effort. I personally don't see anything wrong with meeting. What a fantastic thing to have met someone from another part of the world and be friends! You are old enough (and wise enough) to say NO, if he has a request that you're not comfortable with. My suggestion - be honest, with yourself and with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2017): I might want to ask you one more question. How do you know he's even gay? Isn't it best for you to seek male company in the same financial bracket and level of education? It would be better knowing you can both travel back and forth to see each other.
Worst case scenario. You'll unexpectedly fall in-love, and could end-up financially supporting an illegal foreign immigrant; who may just decide not to return to his country. Only to slip-away with your bankbook and credit cards. I've seen it happen a few times, and it could get you into a lot of trouble with immigration authorities. Who wouldn't want to flee poverty given the opportunity? Online dating is the easiest and most opportune way!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2017): You jumped the gun and got carried-away, making lofty promises. You got carried-away! It happens!
You should know better than to be getting infatuated long-distance over guys you've met online, and have never met in-person. You can't even rely on Skype; because a good-looking friend or cousin could be in on a plot to sucker a rich lonely European.
You were over-charmed and swept away with the idea of a young Latin lover from Argentina. You bought his sob-story of how he's struggling and how he's really turned on by you.
I'm sure he poured on the charm and compliments.
Get a grip!!!
When will we gay men ever learn?!!! Seriously?!!!
You can back-out graciously, unless you've woven some web of stories leading him to believe you're a financially well-healed European; in order to seduce and impress him. You must now simply (and honestly) inform him that you've evaluated and gone over the costs and expenses; and it simply isn't feasible. Not now, or next year!
Why not take a vacation in Argentina, and meet him first?
How do you know he's not talking to a dozen other guys like you, trying to get a plane ticket out of Argentina?
How can you make solid promises (involving money) to a stranger (foreigner in this case) you've never met; unless you had ulterior-motives? You've painted yourself into a corner and you still want to save face. So now you're not so sure if you love him??? You cannot afford to do as you promised, and that's the facts. No need to be embarrassed, I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time. After a few glasses of wine, and maybe some vodka.
Come-on boyfriend, I'm gay too! You got swept-away with his handsome profile picture. Don't tell me you thought you loved him. You're not a teenager, you're much more mature than that!
Be honest and confess. It will free your soul, protect your bank account, and may even protect you from a potential scam.
Might I also remind you, that it isn't honest to bribe or entice impoverished foreigners and give them false-hopes; then yank the rug out from under them. Most of the time, the scams on you!
I'm not being harsh or brutal. I'm talking to you straight-up, just as I would my own best friend. We gay men have to look out for each other, and we have to help when we can.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 March 2017):
 I think you should consider the future. You have talked for 6 months. He can't afford to fly over and see you, not even to pay for HALF the ticket, so really WHAT would happen if you met and REALLY liked each other? It's not like he can "just" immigrate to Germany with no cost. Would he even be interested in that? Argentina is such a different world from Germany. Does he speak, read and write German? Does he have specialty skills that can translate to living in Germany?
Or would YOU be willing to give up everything YOU have to move over there? To be with a man who can barely support himself and thus not be able to support you as well? It might be a while to get a job. Do you speak fluent Spanish? Do you write and read it?
It sounds to me like as lovely as the NOTION, the FANTASY of the two of you together - the reality? it's not an even relationship.
And let's play with the "what if" some more. What IF you buy a ticket he shows up and there is no chemistry, zip, zilch? That he wants sex and you don't? Would he stay in your house? Would you feel safe? What about when you go to work?
Now I'm not saying that people from different parts can't make a relationship work. After all, I'm Danish and married an American. We were LDR from almost 2 years - but we BOTH flew back and forth to see each other, meet family and friends - see how we worked in person together. And we have been together for lover 20 years now. So yes, it CAN work. But we BOTH had to make MASSIVE sacrifices, compromises, and changes to our lives to make it happen.
We had met in person first, so we had an idea about attraction and personalities but it was still hard.
You are VERY uncertain about you and him as it stands, and I think those feelings of doubt are you "rational mind" speaking to you.
Think about it. Is there really a future here or not. If there REALLY isn't, maybe you need to cut it off and look MUCH closer to home for a partner, travel companion etc.
And while you have PROMISED to pay for a ticket, doesn't mean you OWE him a thing. Don't make promises you aren' 100% sure you want to keep or CAN keep.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2017): Never enter into such a one sided relationship where you are expected to supply all the funds.
He may not have a lot of funds, but neither do you, if the cost is one you feel so hesitant about.
Stop seeking an unattainable LD relationship and get involved with people in your own neighbourhood and your own area.
And be careful that he is not a potential financial abuser of a vulnerable man(you).
You should not have to buy him an airline ticket at all.
Tread very carefully. People scam money from vulnerable people online every day. Do not set yourself up to be financially abused.
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