A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I were together for almost a year. It seemed perfect. We were always appreciative and affectionate. He told me over Christmas that he already knew how and where he wanted to propose. And that he wanted to stare at my face for the rest of his life. We never even had a fight. We started looking to move in together and he was really into it. He even bought some things for the new place but as soon as we won one, and had to go sign, he wasn't ready. He lived with someone before and it didnt go well...We shelved the topic and everything seemed fine but 6wks ago he seemed off and when I asked what was wrong, he told me that it wasn't working for him and he didnt know why and broke up with me. The next day he told me he loved me and asked for a break to figure out his thoughts. He seemed devastated... but after a few days he seemed to get into the routine of being alone and broke up with me. Now he seems completely over it and me for that matter. I never hear from him unless I write first and he always says :really hope you're doing ok...take care. Sounding detached and over me. Now he's started an online dating profile looking for casual dates. I'm so hurt. I love him so much and I thought we were going to end up together. I don't know how he's doing this...I have a few questions. 1. Is he over it, or just burying his feelings? 2. Any chance this is just cold feet and he will come back? 3. We're supposed to meet for coffee next week , do I cancel in light of his behaviour? Feeling so lost.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): your story is very similar with my ex boy friend.we did not see each other for two years after a 8 years were together. while i left him for my traveling around the world, he was so lonely and he met one woman at his work and they started dating,then few months ago they were engaged, but he still loved me very much and always think of me.Six weeks ago,on my birhday he called me and asked me out for my birthday.He admited that he already moved in and engaged with that woman, now he is feeling so sorry because he did not love her at all, he tried to break up with her.So with your situation, i think he proposed with you it just because he was so lonely and he mad at his ex girlfriend for some reason, now he finds now he doesn't love you.So you should let him go, find somebody who does love you.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (25 April 2011):
 Man. This is a tough one. I'm sure you feel like you've been blindsided with this whole thing.
You said he lived with someone before and it didn't go well? I get this vibe like he's terrified of commitment. Once a relationship gets to a certain point, he bolts from it. I found it weird that he would discuss with you about "knowing where and how he wanted to propose".
I don't think he found someone new or was cheating on you because of his rush to start a dating profile. He's just terrified when the relationship gets really serious, and moving in together is a pretty heavy commitment.
To answer your questions,this is my opinion:
1. I don't think it has to do with being "over it" or "burying his feelings". I think he's scared and running. Whether or not he comes back I think is related to how old he is and how many times he's come up against these feelings in the past. Alas, if he's in your age range, I don't have a lot of hope.
2. There is always a chance, but I think you shouldn't waste your time putting yourself in emotional and mental limbo. He broke up with you. I think you should go forward as if he will never come back.
3. You were going to meet for coffee? If you made this plan before he broke up with you, I'd say cancel it. If you made the plans after he broke up, I think you should go and take the chance to make him face you and deal with his feelings instead of running away from them.
I know that it's hard to envision a "bright side" to this hellacious thing that's happened. I know you feel lost and dumped and wondering what on earth it was. I can say this with certainty that you are not the cause of this.
The bright side is that he didn't leave you "at the altar" or take off after all the plans were made. The bright side is that he didn't simply manipulate you into accepting a freeze on the serious relationship or simply grow distant and leave you wondering. You do not have to waste any time wondering if it's going to work out.
It might work out. He might come back. But the odds are not in your favor. If you meet him for coffee, I would advise you to hold your head up high, do not beg to get him back, and after you get closure, move on and find someone who won't flake on you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (25 April 2011):
 It really does sound as though he is over it, doesn't it. But then, why are you meeting for coffee next week? Maybe meet for coffee, and ask for in-depth answers to your, I'm sure, many questions! I can understand you're feeling lost.
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