A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a loving and great relationship with my husband. We married 3 months ago and moved to a foreign country where he has a work permit and I am looking for a fulltime job. The only issue we have is that he has been addicted to masturbation and has some strange ways of being aroused using the internet. This has been making our sex life close to non-existant. When we do have we have a great time but he is not able to climax in recent times. He says it's his lifestyle (stress and addiction to masturbating). He hardly ever initiates sex properly. He seems to be satisfied with his online content and even when he wants to make love I feel like he's doing it for me. I feel really hurt and frustrated. For me, sex is not only physical but also gives a mental and emotional fulfillment. Because he is so good to me otherwise, I'm not even able to get angry with him on this. It just makes me look desperate. He is also vocal about this issue and keeps telling he's trying to not do it. But I watch him choose it over me almost everyday (he spends time in the bathroom with his phone). I sometimes feel like I've become his best friend and companion rather than lover and wife. He talks about wanting to plan for a baby and that he has to change in order to get there. My question is how do I support him and help him change? Should I stay distant and show my displeasure and make him work for it. (because I think I've been too nice and being taken for granted in the matter of sex). What about my desires? How do I get him to want intimacy and love instead of what he's doing.. I thought our living together would solve it while we were dating (we had great sex where he could climax). But now that we LIVE together, it's only worse. Should I try to have more sex with him or give an ultimatum? I was worried that giving an ultimatum by not responding when HE wants it will push him more towards his addictions. His fantasies are very dark..which he's shared with me. But ever since we met and fell in love, we have had a healthy sex where he's able to be passionate and intimate without all those dark fantasies. He said he wants to keep our sex life and reality separate from those, which I agree with. But the problem is that he's more into them than me. He is taking therapy and working on it. What should I do though? I'm really confused and hurt. I also love him too much to make this bigger than our relationship. He's very caring, pays attention to me, we talk and converse a lot, we do everything together. He holds hands, hugs me and is involved in my career and future, takes me out and spends time on us. He shares the household chores despite hectic schedules and is 100% honest with me. I love him to bits and am really anxious that despite all of this I'm not able to be satisfied because of this issue. Please tell me how can I sort this out without spoiling any other part of our relationship? I'm also coping with all the new responsibilities of a marriage and trying to keep and grow my individual identity, career and self.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2022): I disagree completely with the other poster. You're in love with the guy and apart from his fantasies it sounds like you get along well!
Have you told him that sex is important to you? He might be jumping to the conclusion that you don't really want sex.
It seems obvious to me that he needs to masturbate less in order to be able to have more sex with you.
My guess is the increased stress of the move and family life has lessened his libido a bit and that is why sex with you isn't as good or often. Hopefully he just needs a little time to get used to things.
Best of luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2022): You just spend the rest of your life waiting to see what happens to you.I'm surprised his dark fantasies don't put you off him a bit.Also if he goes to the bathroom to Jack off don't you think he is non-verbally telling you that he does not want sex with a live woman?I'd be very scared in your life with the husband with the dark fantasies who's busy jacking off over something in his mind that he doesn't want to emphasis or confide in you about.I'd quit holding his hand!Does it sound so romantic that you can't bear to let go?It sounds much more like he isn't willing to let you go anywhere alone.So in a strange way you are his prisoner, technically waiting for him to engage in one of his darkest fantasies.He has all the control and I fear that you have none.He can sweet talk you with his compliant behaviour but a true psychopath does that because they have something in mind and they need the-other-part-of-the -plan to remain blissfully ignorant.They want the-other-part-of-the-plan to almost be their alibi.The'he-couldn't-possibly-have-done-this' kind of verbal verification."He-was-such-a-lovely-man!""They-were-so-in-love."I hope you're not going to be an insurance job..where a sudden fatal accident lands him a tidy sum!Do you have anyone in your life you can turn to?Any mum or dad you could visit?How much do you think he would let you go if you wanted to?It's difficult to answer your problem because it just doesn't sit well apparently with anyone.Newly weds where the husband just Jack's off is very unusual.I don't think he wants children. He just says what you want to hear.I personally wouldn't even tell him you were suspicious of him.I also wouldn't give him an ultimatum.I'd contact someone you know in real life and slip out of the door when he's at work.That's probably going to be his line anyway when you do finally vanish off the face of the earth.I am off course very suspicious of this kind of man.He is everything you don't need.If you consider that you have probable cause to be suspicious would you be able to get away?Be careful and plot your escape while he is jacking off in the bathroom.I mean, start thinking of ways to leave quietly without a confrontation and without being further compliant.
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