| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: First off, i have been dating and trying to keep busy.Was with my ex for 3 and a half years..it was petty stuff i think that broke us apart..fighting over things i regret..noone cheated..we did have alot of love..he broke it off...a year later i leave him a vmail and he calls me back right away and i tell him all these regrets after a few minutes..basically he said he couldnt just jump back into this which waas understandable and that we will exchange calls and meet..we talked for a few months pretty much every few days...hour convos, 2 hour convos..soemtimes longer..i think we needed that to get comfortable...he admitted he doesn't want to be serious with anyone right now..too much going on and wants to get his financial situation more stable and how he is barely breaking even with money etc..2 months went by after the holidays that we didn't speak and i finally questionined what was going on and here is the latest info:He basically said he didn't want to lead me on and that is why he started to avoid things.(which he always does when it comes to this stuff regarding emotions and talks involving it, he hates it) He says right now he needs to get all this other stuff straightened out first and put things on hold and he can't give me what i want right now. He was nice on the phone and we spoke for over an hour. I did say i have regrets and asked was i a bad girlfriend to you? and he said you were a very good girlfriend to me..the things that you did were not that bad, its not like you were malicious towards me. I told him again i have alot of regrets with certain things i did. I did ask do you just want me to leave you alone and move on and maybe you are just sparing my feelings? and he said i don't want you to leave me alone but he figured if he avoided things for awhile maybe i would let go. He said he likes knowing i'm there and that i want to be there but it also isn't fair to me in that position and to just be sitting around. He said he doesn't want to be anyone's boyfriend right now. I told him i'm not sitting around but i would rather be with you than someone else. So i asked so you want me to go move on and be with someone else then? And he says he doesn't really like it when I say it like that and that he just wants me to be happy and I said but i would be happy with you..and he said he doesnt know about that right now and he said you don't think that i don't think about you still and look at your pictures on my computer? I said do you think you could still have feelings for me and eventually want to see me again and he says i think so. But for right now he can only just offer friendship. He doesnt really know about the future.\ or what he wants. He says he is just breaking even with money. He doesn't go anywhere really or buy anything and is looking for side work. But i don't get how money will be better in a few months or a year. Towards the end of the convo he could tell i was getting a tiny bit upset..not in this extreme way but he could hear me sniffling. And he said he really doesn't like that and asked if i will be ok and i said i will have to be. I did say I have missed you for a long time but I guess i would eventually have to move on if things don't change.I tried getting as much direct info as i could and think of all the questions i wanted to ask...i said it makes me nervous because sometimes i think maybe you know for sure you don't ever want to see me again and you just don't want to the bad guy. And he said that isn't really right because if it was just about me and not wanting me he would have been seeing someone already or looking and its not about that. He said that he isn't going anywhere..i think he could hear i was a little upset and said again i'm definitely not going anywhere and we can talk soon..we can talk tomorrow, next week..whenever i want to talk. I do feel better we spoke but i still hope that if he knew for sure he didn't have any romactic feelings and doesnt think it will ever be possible that he would just say that I was thinking i should continue to try and talk to him on the phone and continue dating like i have been doing to see what else is out there and hope for the best with him and i as well? i still care for him alot and miss him very much He also mentioned at some point in the convo I'm sure you don't want me to just call you randomly to go to dinner or watch a movie. I didn't say anything ot that. I think I asked something else but now i wish i would have said why couldn't we do that and take things really slow and see each other casually/randomly(not to sleep with each other) and just test the waters of how that goes. It doesn't seem completely realistic to meet one time and then we are back together anyway. Should I try to put it out there in some way that I am not against this? I don't want to make him upset/angry or push him away by bringing up this subject again but i want to bring it up. Maybe i can just casually you know maybe at some point soon or maybe in the summer we could see each other casually or randomly and that it makes more sense than just jumping back in with both feet?
View related questions:
money, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Entirely Unique  +, writes (21 March 2010):
 The only thing that you might find though is given this easy option of casually and randomly he may never get back into a serious relationship with you, I feel you're trying to hold onto him in some way or another and selling yourself short in the process.
You want this bloke back? You want him back as your boyfriend and in a serious way?
Don't give him the option of you without the commitment, distance yourself, let him miss you and wonder what he's doing not being with you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): I wouldn't try to push this idea too much. He knows that you would like to date him, and he probably would like to date you too. He made it pretty clear that he's not ready yet, for whatever reason and you should just leave it at that for now.
If you bring the idea up multiple times, its just going to annoy him, not win him over. Its clearly hard for him to turn the idea of dating you down, it hurts him, it hurts you and it hurts him to know that he's hurting you. Let him do his own thing, maybe one day he'll be ready, maybe he won't, so don't put your life on hold.
Stay in contact, but keep dating for sure. What will be will be. You may meet someone new and exciting or you may wind up together in a month. Who knows, just don't pin all your hopes on him for ages and then be devastated if he chooses not to get back together.
I tried dating one ex casually a few times after breakups and I found that "casual" turned into seeing each other everyday VERY quickly and unintentionally. I guess because its so comfortable. Maybe your ex thinks that could happen?
Anyways, all the best :)
...............................
|
