A
female
age
36-40,
*shleighmorris3
writes:I'm not sure how to go about fixing things in my relationsip or if to fix them at all.A small back story, we met a year ago and have been in a commited relationship since. In August he moved in with me and my children, everything was fine until he got a job and moved to new jersey. He is originally from the east coast and all of his family is still there and of course there was the excitment that he could be closer to his family again. We remain together with hopes that as soon as this school year is over the kids and I would follow him out there and start a life together. But lately I have concerns that he never seems to feel are important enough to address. 1. His family has never reached out or tried to get to know me and befriend or relate to me as his girlfriend. I have been out to visit them with my boyfriend on three occassions and none of them acknowledge I am there until it is time for us to leave.2. The biggest problem I have with our relationship is that everything is done his way, in his time, in his intrest. If its important to him it should be important to all of us, but if it's not important to him it shouldn't matter to anyone.All of thse emotions finally escalated and yesterday we ended up breaking up, I don't want to end things with him at all. That was never my intentions, I just wanted him to hear me, to reassure me and comfort me. No matter how many times I ask for what I need or tell him how I feel he just points out the things he does do when I want to focus on what he is NOT doing which is making me feel under valued. And we've been exchanging words all day and I feel I have come to a cross roads. Either I accept him for what he is, drop my complaints and require no change to keep him, or decide for myself it's no longer acceptable and lose him.should I fix this? and If so how?
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female
reader, ashleighmorris3 +, writes (26 January 2010):
ashleighmorris3 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everyone for their advice...in the middle of this whole should we break up should we not break up ordeal, An issue came up. I was very angry with my boyfriend one day, he has a tendancy to be lazy about some (not all just some) of his responsabilites, a bill didn't get paid, and becuase of everything else I was feeling and going through with him I was very heated and hurt by it. I posted an off topic joke on facebook (again had NOTHING to do with him or our current situation) and one of his sisters decided to leave a comment "you better not be referring to my brother as a jackass!"...I wasn't. (small back story on this, he has three sisters two of whom I am somewhat close to and get along with well errr used to, the one who left the comment has never spent more then 3 minutes of her time trying to get to know me in the past year) Of course, I was offended by it and since I was already upset...I left a comment that says if I want to call MY boyfriend a jackass it's my right to...kind of my way of telling her to mind her own business...and then her and the mother chime in and attack me, telling me I'm not funny and that he is such a noble man for being good to MY kids (no they are not his). I didn't respond I immediatly deactivated facebook and cried. I feel that niether of them knew me well enough to do that. The boyfriend is 34 years old and doesn't need them to defend him. And I don't need two people who have never bothered to get to know me, throwing in my face what he does do for me. I don't run around reminding them all of the things i have done for him and to take care of him. (which is alot btw) This past christmas I shopped for and bought with my money and shipped gifts to their small children and have yet to even recieve a thank you...and as much as it bothered me, I would NEVER bring it up to them...which bothers me even more that this is all becuase they ASSUMED I called my boyfriend a jackass.
When my boyfriend called I told him what happened...he said we were ALL wrong, and that he would deal with his mom and sister. I expressed to him that I don't see anything good coming out of him confroting his mother and sister, they will become defesive and not only will they blame me, they will turn to the rest of the family that I have a good relationship with and ruin that.
Well turns out I was right, they aren't speaking to him and now they all dislike me and blame me(publicly) his family that I was close with haven't even bothered to ask for my perspective on what happened...they're done with me.
The boyfriend is really trying to hear me, and comfort me and do the necessary changes, but now I feel like what's the point? I am not interested in a relationship with ANYONE if I am always going to feel alienated from their family. Should I send an email and explain my side? Should I bring up the concern to my boyfriend that maybe he and I should go on hold while he works things out with his family (I fear if he doesn't take the time to fully do that he will resent me later) or should I bite the bullet and just end it all together? But my kids are in love with him, he is in love with them, he and I both agree that we want to do what it takes to work it out between us...but again I don't want to move forward with him if me and my children will always be alienated by them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): Thanks everyone for your advice..as the day gets longer I'm really thinking that your right and it's the right thing to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): I think you are emotionally and mentally better off without this man in your life. Your children will pick up on any unease between the two of you and it isn't a good example for children to grow up around someone quite controlling. A relationship should be evenly balanced and doesn't work without compromise.
He was quite happy to move back near his family but he is a grown man, has he thought of your children and how they might benefit from being near your family and staying with the friends they have made in school?
If you do decide stay apart I hope it all goes well for you, I think it'd be for the best.
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A
female
reader, seniorgirl08 +, writes (22 January 2010):
 I agree with CaringGuy. I do not think it will be in your best interest to fix things with this guy. He sounds exactly as described..controlling, inconsiderate, and self centered, three traits in someone that people normally try to avoid. Not only that, but you also have children to think about. If you aren't comfortable with the situation, then I'm almost willing to bet that they are not either, or won't be in the future. Try to imagine yourself in a relationship based on unconditional love, not just verbally. A lot of happiness can come from a relationship where both parties agree to disagree and can compromise with each other.
I can understand how awkward and hurtful it must be for his family to not even acknowledge you. Obviously you love this guy, or you wouldn't be asking for advice on the situation, but there comes a point in a woman's life where she needs to stand up and look at her situation and be able to make the best decision based on her best interest. Love is compromise. I myself have learned that as well. No relationship is "committed" until both parties can compromise and not overpower the other.
Good luck to you!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 January 2010):
No, don't fix it. He's not actually taking one bit of interest in who you are as a person. He's just controlling you and trying to change you into someone he can take along as a trophy. A man who won't let you express yourself isn't worth the time. He'll never change. He won't reassure you or comfort you, he'll just bully you. You are better without a man like this.
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