A
female
age
26-29,
*hemusicgoddess19
writes:Okay so. I am in love with someone who happens to be my 4th cousin. We had been friends for years prior, but then we kind of lost contact. We "met again" at his high school when I was there to play in his school's band. After that, we talked and became best friends quite quickly. I started to fall for him, and I didn't want anyone to know that. My family always celebrates Easter at his Grandmother's house. (She lives on this huge farmland) We would go on walks and such around the farm, and of course no one could see us. He acted like he liked me, but I was never sure. Until we were talking about it and he said that "..if we weren't related, I'd date you." After that the topic didn't come up a lot. Then one day, my great-anut was in from Florida, and his mom and him came to see her. We went outside and went into a barn that was on the proprety. It was cold, and we gave me his jacket, and we kinda cuddled up. He would, like rub my back and hold me really close. I wanted to kiss him, but, I mean, I wouldn't. We talked about that later on, and he said that he wanted to kiss me, but he didn't want to get caught. We had made plans for the next time we were together we would go somewhere and he would kiss me. Well, the day had arrived, and he acted pissed at me, so I kinda forgot about the plans. We went on a walk, and we went into a barn, and he would tease me. Eventually we kissed, a lot. We stayed gone for 5 hours, and the family didn't really think anything about it. Later on, we made the decision to date. At the time he was 17 and me 14. He would come over to my house and we eventually had sex. I loved him, and he told me he loved me. But soon "his side" of the family started getting curious. He started talking a girl from my town, that I hated by the way. He ended everything with me. And he had me believing that he cheated on me with her. We hadn't really ever talked since the break-up.. until just recently. He told me the real reason he ended it... He knew "his side of the family was getting curious, and he used *Jenni to try to fend them off. We didn't want his side to retaliate agnist me. He doesn't like *Jenni at all... but he feels he should stay with her. He tole me that "if we weren't cousins, and the family would be more understanding, I would want to be with you. But life likes to be cruel sometimes." All this time, I thought I was over him... and now, the feelings I had are back, and stronger. I love him. But, I'm really confused on what to do. He wants to be friends, and I do too, but I don't want how I feel to kill that. Maybe later on, should be try a relationship again? What do you guys think about this situation? (He is 20 and I'm 17 now.)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): Grant's points seem valid. The kinship thing is not a problem. The age thing will go away if you behave yourselves. Otherwise it's only the intrusive family "curiosity" that is at isssue. Sure a break up might mean tense family reunions, so be sure not to break up.
But back to the kinship issue: it turns out that kinship is just like everything else. You can have to much and you can have too little. Fourth cousin is probably just about ideal as close as you can call it if you are talking about having babies, and if sex is the question than babies are part of the question. The best study I have been able to find was done in Iceland. Here's the reference. [An Association between Kinship and Fertility of Human Couples Agnar Helgason et al. SCIENCE vol. 329 no. 5864 February 8, 2008 page 813 – 816] You can get it for a few dollars from sciencemag.org and you will hardly find a more respected source. Take a look at the artilce. Maybe there is a tactful way to show it around. As I see it, the most flattering thing you can to with family is to marry within family, so it can't be impossible to make friends all around. What a pity it would be if, because of common superstition, the family were to lose out on a chance to have babies. Most families I know of seem to be dying out.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (15 April 2012):
 There are two issues here. First, your families may have a problem with it. You say his side was getting "curious" -- were they worried about the age difference, or more particularly your very young age at the time? Or is it the cousin issue? If you are fourth cousins, that means your common blood link is a great-great-great grandparent, so there is no issue at all in terms of being too closely related. But -- if your family frowns on it regardless, that will cause problems.
The second issue is that, if the relationship ends badly, you're still going to run in to him at family events, probably for the rest of your lives. Breakups are hard enough, but usually you can walk away and never see them again. Do you want that to get in the way of your enjoying family events?
Should you choose to try again, you should be aware of the consent laws in your state. The fact that you had sex when you were 14/17 was almost certainly illegal; it may be illegal still until you turn 18.
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