A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My question is should I try and change myself to try to be perfect all the time and basically be the 1950's wife (I have accepted the cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids, but I dont agree with the "Dont speak unless spoken to")? My husband grew up in the traditonal family so what I come from is abnormal to him and he looks down upon me for it and makes me feel inferior to his family. I do not like that because I feel like we should all be equal no matter how I grew up differently than he did. HE constantly tells me that I dont do anything right, I'm lazy, not a good wife or mother and I try to be. AND if I tell him that I am trying he says that its not good enough and that I'm ok with being mediocre. HE thinks that he and his family are perfect and better than me and that I dont strive to be the best I have learned that I am priveledged to be a stay at home mom and I have taken full responisibilities for my role as a mom and wife but he is still not satified. He said that he would start caring about me if I become the person he met. I dont know how to be that loving and nice person anymore. HOW can I want to be and do better if all he has is negative things to say about me. IF its not his way its stupid and wrong. IF he doesnt understand me, Im stupid and wrong and he doesnt have time to take care of my wants and emotional needs. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 November 2010):
 Charming. He treats you as a maid and cheats on top of it. And you put up with this because you were childhood sweethearts, he's all you know, and you believe love is enough to change him. You know people don't change like that. Rarely they do.
You're not supposed to watch the house and kids, where did you get that idea from. Its your kids as a couple, you are both parents, it's just as much his responsibility to look after the kids and house. If you start working for example he'll have to compromise. He can't deny you the right to work. You only deny yourself that right. While I think it is perfectly fine to be a stay at home mom, and I think I'd enjoy being one myself, there's a difference between CHOOSING it and being FORCED to it, and held prisoner in your own home. You are not a slave. Bring out the feminist in you and take the bull by his horns.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI married him because I thought he would change, I loved him and he was not always this way. We were high school sweethearts and we never discussed what we wanted as a family. I know its my job to do 90% of everything, I know I am supposed to take care of the house BUT I think as a man (even though he works) he should help sometimes and he is supposed to help with the kids. BUT coming from his family and what he grew up with he doesnt think he has too. (before we got married, we were together but we werent married, but we were commited to each other and had two children together, then he cheated on me and I left him)
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (21 November 2010):
 I'd tell him that he married me knowing exactly the way I am, and it was for better or worse. If he wanted someone who was exactly like his mom he should have married her instead. Don't like it? There's the door, and say hello to the man who's waiting for your job.
If he doesn't appreciate you he can go kick rocks!
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (21 November 2010):
 A 1950s model wife? Whilst all the men were away fighting yet again in another nearly pointless war, it was the women who cared for their country and kept their cities growing and building and living. When finally a woman by the name of Betty Friedan whose book entitled 'The feminine Mystique', began an uproar by young women in America who realized that they did not have to be chained by the tyranny of the husbands who were supposed to support them. Granted their protests were sometimes, inelegant to say the least, but their point had been made.
Knowing this, your husband has no right to treat you like a maid instead of his WIFE. What he wants, he cannot and SHOULD NOT have, so leave him if he refuses to come to terms with your wants and desires. He cannot simply sweep them away as if they mean nothing. Your children cannot be raised in a household where the man does not make his wife happy when she does everything she can to make him happy. The most anyone can ask of anyone else is that they try their best, he should be happy, overjoyed in fact, that his wife would tend to the household, so full of care only so her husband can always come home to a neatened house and his happy children and a warm dinner. Does he thank you? Does he show you, even once, how much he appreciates your efforts, your dedication? No? Then leave him to rot alone, no woman on Earth should be confined to his rules. That is not how a wife should be treated.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 November 2010):
This goes way deeper than being a 50's style housewife. I am actually unable to help you, because I have faced the same type of men which you describe your husband as, and I was unable to reach through to them and have a logical conversation. But perhaps it will help you if I describe back to you how you have painted the situation to me...
Your husband makes you and your background inferior to himself and his family. This means your husband does not respect you, and never has respected this side of you. Why he then chose to marry you I don't know. Maybe he thought he could "change you for the better" in his world.
Your husband isn't logical, but irrational, he says he will care about you when you become some other person, he claims this is someone you were when you met. He doesn't love you for all you are, and doesn't understand that love is to be nurtured, not served on a silver plate. If he doesn't care about you he will never see your good side, because that is neglect. You are not expected to shine when neglected, thats just not how people work.
He is not satisfied with how you do things, meaning he holds you to an unrealistically high standard, and I don't know where he gets these standards from. Perhaps his own upbringing? You could look into this and perhaps talk to his mother and hear how his own upbringing was, under the pretense of wanting to create a similar "delightful" atmosphere at your own home. But what this really stems down to is that he wants things done his way, and no other way is good enough. He doesn't respect you, once again.
The last part I see is that he is stubborn. Combined with irrational you have a bad mix, because he will never back down on his argument, and his argument isn't valid, but will always be valid in his head. Because he isn't logical. So in an argument, he will simply defy logic and use his irrational arguments, which no argument can win in such a debate. It will be like speaking in two different languages. Logic and irrationality can't communicate, and can't settle.
Was he like this when you married him? Did you see the tendencies earlier on? Can you communicate with him at all?
Unfortunately, the way you describe your husband makes me thing of narcissistic personality disorder. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder
You can either try and adapt to him, or find a way to trick him with you to therapy. A third option would be going to therapy yourself. It could help you understand how your husband acts, even if he wont go himself a professional would be able to say a lot about your husbands mentality just from your description of him, and might know how to deal with him in a non-confrontational way.
What I would do if I was in your shoes would probably be something up the lines of quitting the stay at home mom deal (because this sounds like his way of controlling you), and getting back to work and earn my own money. Money I will put in my own account, money not for him, and then take a lot of time to myself to work on my self esteem. Still being married, but taking a time-out from him walking all over me so I can have a chance to breathe and gather up myself. Perhaps leave him with the kids, and develop a mentality of getting by on my own, so that no hurtful words will get to me. After all, what he says hold no logic, as pointed out. So why get hurt by the nonsense. He can be a husband to provide you with money and sex and kids and a house, but the fun things and re-creative things I'd do on my own. Hang out with friends. Put the kids in daycare if he wont be a stay at home dad. Go on vacations with the kids without him etc.
Or divorce him. I don't like divorces, so I'd just separate myself mentally from him I think. But thats just what I hypothetically would have done if I was in your shoes.
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A
female
reader, VictoriaAnnalise +, writes (20 November 2010):
Why sweetie, did you marry him? Did he do this when you were dating? If not, then he is a great con artist. My ex husband was as well. No one is better than anyone sweet girl. This is not a relationship that will improve over time. It will push you to your limit - and you do have one- and you will leave or stay unhappy for the rest of your life. Bitterness and stress hurt your body physiologically and can weaken your immune system. The man that really truly loves you will never put you down or let anyone else put you down for that matter. As far as his comment about becoming the person he met, did you do what he liked, cook what he liked, and serve him when you were dating? Maybe because you wanted him to want to marry you? Dont get upset, I did that. Realize your mistake now, go to your family and tell them you will need all of their support because you are leaving your husband. Unless you love him and are willing to be the one the one that changes into as you say "1950's Wife" then you have no other logical choice. If he makes all the money, you need to start generating revenue before you go where you can take your child or children with you. No one has custody except whomever retains the child physically until a judge says so. Remember, unless you want him to have custody, have everything set up for you and baby before you even hint you are leaving. Otherwise it makes no difference how good a mother you are, the best interest of the child is to stay with a financially stable parent.
V
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