A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My friend (ex crush) have been down in the dumps lately. It wasn't until recently that I found out she broke up with her boyfriend. I confessed to her my feelings a few months back but she said that she only saw us as friends. It was difficult at first to be around her but I pushed through the pain. She eventually got a boyfriend and although it was painful to see, I wished them the best. We remained friends and over time, the hurt dwindled. It became easier to see them together and I came to accept that we would never be. It honestly got to the point where I only looked at her platonically. I could hang out with her and him and not feel any sort of feelings for her or any resentment for him. It also helped that I put myself back on the market and met some very interesting women. Didn't meet any keepers but I still had fun. Well, I found out a few days ago they broke up. She seems to really be in a haze as she moved about. At first I tried consoling her but then realized that feelings I kept buried threatened to unearth itself. I started to withdraw from her because I simply didn't want to start feeling an attraction anymore. She also doesn't seem to know how to feel around me either. One moment she's all smiles and hugs and then another moment she's ignoring me and walking around sad. I really don't want to put myself in a situation where I start have feelings for her again. What made it easier to get rid of those feeling before was the fact that she was with someone. That was a strong enough barrier for me to survive in the friendship with her. Now that barrier is gone and I find myself drawing closer.I want to console her AS A FRIEND but I don't know how without falling for her. Another reason why I'm so against falling again is because this just seems like those kind of break-ups where they eventually get back together again. I see him around too and he doesn't seem happy either. I'm secretly wishing they get back together because I want these feelings buried so deep again I didn't notice they existed and I just want to think of her as a friend. So, should I try consoling her or should I let her get through her grieving alone or with the help of other friends?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2014): She is in an emotionally vulnerable place right now, and your suppressed feelings for her are going to make you go out of your way to take care of her. More so than necessary. Your hidden feelings are going to want reward and reciprocation. That is because they are coming from the wrong place in your heart.
It would better if you got out of the way; and check on her from time to time.
Keeping your distance. Behave as platonic friends should behave. Take her out to lunch. Send her a card, or leave a reassuring message on voice-mail.
Don't come around at night. No night-calls. No one on one dinners. She has to mostly deal with her grief on her own. She doesn't need an emotional-crutch anyway; she's not a child. Strength and healing come from reaching inside of yourself; and running on your own steam. Letting your raw emotions come to the surface and evaporate. That's how you naturally get over people you breakup with.
She needs to go through her full-cycle of emotions in order for her mind to detach and adjust to her breakup. No matter what the final outcome. I don't suggest that you intervene between the two of them with any well-intentioned attempts to patch things up between them. They really have to work things through on their own. You could spark tensions where it doesn't belong.
As men, we are naturally competitive or territorial. He could read your heightened interest as opportunistic. He wouldn't be far from right. While they're apart, what she does is her own business. However, it would cause undue stress; and create a smoldering conflict between you men. The least bit of heat could fuel a fire. Nobody needs that drama. He knows how you feel about her; even if you never told him. It it likely that she has; if you didn't.
Consoling a friend is easier when you only think of that person as just a friend. Not so easy with people you once had romantic-affections for. When they awaken hidden feelings; you would be prone, or tempted, to take advantage of their time of weakness.
Maybe not intentionally. Instinctively. Only because you want to rescue her. That urge is due to deeper feelings, not just normal concern.
That could turn out very awkward. I've seen it happen so many times between exes who were once a couple. Turning to each other as "just friends." Supposedly, to console each other after a breakup with other people. Sometimes they end up sleeping together, and that turns out really bad. Accusations brew, and blame gets passed around. You might do both of you a disservice by trying to be her hero. You already know how her emotionalizing affects you, so why tempt yourself?
You can explain to her that you want to give her and her ex some time, space, and privacy to handle their perspective issues. Assure her you will be in-touch, if she needs anything. That sends a polite message that you are cordially-distancing yourself, not abandoning her. She knows you and understands why. She may even prefer that you would.
A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (14 June 2014):
 Hi
I don't think its appropriate for you to get involved unless she ask you to. For the sake of your own feelings and those of her, I would take a step back.
If you try and help her through her bad time she may think its an attempt to win her over and take advantage rather than a genuine and sincere attempt at helping her. She may get too close to you initially on the rebound and regret it later and that would hurt you both as your feelings would go into over drive and then have to be buried again. You also need to protect yourself from falling for her as your feelings will come back easily when you see her vulnerable and responding to you.
She doesn't know how to feel around you so please don't put her in that situation as she has enough on her plate. Stay away for now and allow her time. Hugging you while being lonely, hurt and rejected is not good when one of you has feelings. Its only natural for people to feel bad after a break up, but she needs to learn to cope.
Mark
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