A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Basically, I got very bored so I joined a dating site and subsequently messaged someone who I quite liked for about a week. Things seemed pretty decent so I sent a message asking if she would want to meet up at some point. Then she kinda went dead for a few days. She eventually responded, saying that she had been kinda dating this guy and so hadn't been on the site for a while, although she thought she has messaged me back. She also said the message she thought she had sent said she would like to meet up and she gave me her facebook address.I added her on facebook and pretty much said if she was bored that she could just message me and we could meet up. In retrospect that may have been a bit too passive, but I didn't wanna be too forceful due to the fact she was kinda dating some other person.She didn't get back to me at all and its been about 3 or 4 weeks. My question is therefore, is it too late to kinda send a hows it going message and ask her out more bluntly this time? Also any general tip on how to tactfully ask if she is still seeing the guy would be great. Any perspective of insight is thoroughly welcome. I just don't wanna come off in a weird stalker-ish way.p.s. she said she is quite a shy person so I wouldn't imagine she would initiate contact with me again.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): OP here,I feel the thread got sidetracked a bit because it was tagged as shy. Just for a reference point I'n not really that shy and I'm pretty self assured so that's not really an issue for me.Just to clarify neither she or I are active on that site anymore. I would add she did especially go back onto the dating site to give me her facebook thing.This was really just meant to gauge how I should approach asking her out after leaving it a bit too long. Whether I should just go straight for it or strike up a bit of a conversation beforehand.Also i'd like to add that i prefer just to straight meet with someone rather than go for the phone conversations, because communicating on the phone is never really a substitute for real interaction and can create unrealistic expectations in both parties.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): First things first, you were too passive but as you said there's a fine line between being active and pushy, but you do need to be a bit more forthright. If you give girls the choice they'll just leave you hanging like you are now and the guy who is a bit more aggressive in his tactics will always beat you to the girl.
As in real life, the trick to dating sites is to pursue the girl gently but be sure of yourself. No 'maybe's', 'perhaps' or any of that other stuff. Instead of asking girls you need to tell them. They want a man not an insecure little boy and you have to show that. You tell a girl you like her, not ask her if she likes you first. You tell a girl you'd like to meet up soon and you have an idea of when ad where you'd like to do that, not ask her if maybe she'd like to meet up sometime. you want her and she wants to be taken, that is the very definition of being swept off their feet. The thing all girls dream of.
Now normally I would tell you not to bother with a girl who is already seeing someone. If she's that fickle that you can turn her head while another guy is already in the picture then who's to say another guy won't come along and turn her head away from you? That said I'm not a quitter and as long as she's not committed to him then she's still fair game.
"is it too late to kinda send a hows it going message and ask her out more bluntly this time?"
It's never too late. And bluntly is the wrong term, you want to be gentle but assured OP. "Hey, How are you? I just saw your status update on facebook, it's looks like you had a good time in ***** or your exam seemed to go well" "Wanna meet me next week to go to ***** I hear the food/atmosphere/cocktails there are to die for?" etc.
Don't ask her if she's seeing that guy.
OP want to know the best way of being assertive and assured? Assumption, seriously. Assume that she will tell you she's seeing the guy if you ask her out, if she says yes to meeting up then assume she's not seeing him still, that way even if she is, it's not your problem you still have to show her a good time woo her. Assume she likes you if she says yes. Assume you're exactly the kind of guy she wants to be with and will be good for her therefore you're doing her a favour. Assume she'll be glad to hear from you because she most likely will and stop being afraid of ruining your chances, assume that you won't.
OP the best way to get girls is to treat them exactly how you would treat your friends, that they're interesting people, they're human and you have no ulterior motive than to get to know the person, as in be that comfortable talking to them and be that relaxed and open too, it greatly relieves the pressure on both of you. The only difference with a girl you want to date is you add a bit of flirting and touching, romance etc.
The biggest and best advice I was ever given OP is "no fear". Don't be afraid of rejection, rejection is a victory in that it means you tried, it means you learned something you can take to the next girl and you will be able to use that to improve your assertiveness and confidence in such things because you know you can do it. Rejection is something that really gets to people OP, be one of the guys who can take that on the chin, dust yourself off and keep trying with the next girl and you can turn rejection into a thing of pride like I have. I used to be a thinker rather a doer when I was younger, sat there afraid to ruin my chances with girls, because rejection was the big bad wolf and every girl seemed like she'd be the best thing ever, until I started trying and not giving up. One girl said no? So what? Not everyone can like us and it's far more important we don't waste too much time, emotion and thought on one girl if we don't stand a chance in the first place.
Trust me OP, it's very hard to put off a girl who actually likes you and wants to date you. Any girl who is easily put off didn't really like you to begin with so it's better not to be a pansy, beating around the bush and get straight to the action.
No fear OP, they're just people with the same dreams, goals and desires as us.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (3 March 2012):
 Hi
rather than a message of 'how is it going?' which is more of a friend message have you considered asking her out? Girls on dating sites have a lot of choice. They are going to open up more readily to guys who show genuine positive interest in them. They are also going to assume that the guy is already making contact with multiple girls. When they do not hear from you they are also going to assume that you have already found a girl or girls who you prefer to her. She is not going to feel good about the through that she may be your 'pick number 25'.
And if she thinks you have already worked yourself through multiple connections and still find yourself without a connection to someone you find special that maybe you have issues that she will not like either.
So a bold heart and a daring approach, to allow yourself to be vulnerable is going to allow you to make better connections and faster.
When you see a girl/s you like then make contact. tell her what interested you in her. Ask her out to a public place to have a coffee and find out a little more about her and her find a little more about you. If you don't like her and don't want to explore more to discover more about her then be a gentleman there and then and tell her, 'Thank you for your time, but I don't feel a connection', and leave her with some positive comments about her.
And if you do like her then ask her out on another date. Somewhere quirky, does not have to be expensive. If you discovered that she has always wanted to see/do/go somewhere and you can help make it happen then suggest that. It shows you listened to her and it shows you cared.
Try to encourage her to allow her to suggest the third meeting so that you also get validation that she likes you.
But don't let things hang in the wind, allowing her to wonder if you do not like her any more. or that you were not serious.
You do not ask IF she would like to go somewhere with you, YOU initiate the asking and you ask her out on a date.
If she is really dating someone else then you should back off. But you could try again, as saying that she is 'kinda dating' someone is a bit lame. And she either is or she is not dating someone.
Do you not even have her her phone contact? Wooing a girl on facebook allow her very little chance to slowly build a relationship. If you have her phone contact then don't even text her - phone her to talk to her direct.
if you only have her email then email her direct - not on facebook
She was a on a dating site. - thus you should not feel like you are stalking her. She was actively seeking a guy.
Go back on the dating site - see if she is still active. She is certainly not even hardly 'kinda dating' anyone if she is still actively seeking a guy via a dating site.
If she is still not on the dating site and has not advised you that she has stopped 'kinda dating' a guy then new tactics called for.
Go back to the dating site and choose five girls in your general area and contact all five and set up some meet and greet coffee meetings. Different coffee placces please:)
You will soon find some nice girls.
And do not go overboard with expensive dates. Dates that work can include a visit to a park and a picnic lunch and a talk/ feed the ducks.
Walk through a really nice public botanic garden and maybe lunch at an inexpensive nice place.
When you talk to her you will discover things she likes and places she likes to go.
So if she mentioned a coming event suggest you would like to accompany her. Show and interest in her life and her dreams.
Girls who are rude, whiny, too demanding, overly-critical or wanting to move too fast - leave them for guys who need less than you do. I am sure you are interested in a genuine kind caring nice girl who you will feel comfortable with in the future.
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