A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My question is whether it is a good idea to try have a relationship with an ex again when there is children involved? My ex wants to get back together after 4 years apart, and even though I would like to try, I have a fear it would affect our two girls.Our first child was born when I was 19 and my ex was 23. She wasn't planned, and it made things really hard for us. I fell pregnant while on the pill with our second daughter, who was born 22 months later. We broke up when she was only 9 weeks old so neither of the girls have any memories of us being together or the fighting we regularly did.We were too young and too much happened so quickly. It was our fault no one else, and although I didn't want to break up, I agreed it was for the best.We spent a lot of time fighting after we broke up as well, but last year things calmed down and we began to really get on and do family things together.When I split from a short term relationship recently, my ex was great and a real comfort while I was upset about it ending. He said all the right things and did all the right things but it wasn't until a few days ago that he actually asked me if I would give it another go. I wasn't expecting it at all. I do care about him, I have always fancied him and even though we had a tough relationship, I always have still felt that spark whenever he was there.So, should I risk it? Or should I remember we broke up because it wasn't healthy for our daughters to see parents fighting like we were.Things are different now, we both work, have our own homes, and we have spent four years working at being the best parents we can be.So why do I have so much doubt? Help?!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 May 2014):
 I'm not so sure it's a bad idea.
19 and 23 is very young
add two babies early on and stir and that's a recipe for disaster.
My take on this... go VERY slowly.. no moving in with each other...
I strongly suggest that if you want to try to make it work that you two invest in some couples counseling to map out guidelines and relationship rules (counseling is mostly about learning how to communicate and work together as a couple)
Also get a sitter and do stuff just the two adults... dinners out etc... try to see if the feelings you have are based on being with each other or if having the kids around makes you both more wistful for family time....
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 May 2014):
 You have so much doubt because deep down you know it is a very bad idea.
You fought constantly, regularly, it was a tough relationship all along , for all its duration. Sure the two unplanned pregnancies did not help , but when people do not get along, I think it's basically... because they don't get along, regardless of exterior conditions. Which were stressful then, but who tells you that living with two young kids won't be also as stressful for him ? Plus, you were very young , OK, but by the second kid you were 23 and 25, - really not much different in mental , emotional age from what you are NOW, it's not like the shift from teen parent to adult parent.
You feel the " spark ", ok, but the spark is about chemistry , not about compatibility. If you haven't been compatible for all the time you were togeter, do you think you will be now, just because you can be nice to each other those times you bring the girls to the playground ?....
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (20 May 2014):
 It takes two to make a relationship work. If you both can acknowledge that you messed up and mature enough to make it work, go for it. There are no guarantees is life but does not mean we must not take the risk. No harm in making it work just take things slowly to find one another and then introduce the kids into the relationship. For now they need not know you guys are a couple.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (20 May 2014):
 honestly, I think life is too short and if you both have feelings for one another, why not go out on a few coffee dates, nothing fancy, just casual and see where it goes? There is no rush and the kids don't have to know right now and so it won't affect them at all.
IF things progress and you can get together a little more permanently, then you talk to the kids.
Just remember, though, that relationships do end for a reason and we do tend to remember the better times over the worst - but also remember, people and situations can change and it CAN work to revisit a relationship if it is meant to be!
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2014): You have so much doubt because it's a very shit idea.
I mean it took years for you to get to a point where you could be civil to each other. You're now in a very good place, there perfect place for two parents to be and you're thinking of throwing all that away in the naive hope things won't be exactly as they were in the past?
OP seriously 3 years you fought, 3 long damn years of bitterness and contempt, and however long before breaking up.
Suddenly things have gotten good and you want to risk another few years of just killing each other again?
No, it didn't work the first time and you don't say how things will be different this time.
Just because you're older doesn't mean you'll get on, only last year you were still killing each other, do you really think a year of being nice and him trying to get back into your knickers is going to fix that?
Seriously, OP, what's best for your kids here? You broke up for them, what's best for them? Is it really worth going back to the way it was just so you can play happy families and he can get his dick wet?
It's not, not even in the slightest. One year doesn't make up for the fact that for about 4 years you've been fighting non-stop, and it got so bad you had to break up for the kids sake.
The only reason you're considering this is because he's so sweet and lovely now, he's your rock. But I bet you a million bucks he was the exact same way when he first started to get with you and he's only being like that now because he wants the same thing. once he has you the fights will come back again.
You know you and he don't work, you have to prove that's no longer the case or you have to say no. As a mother you cannot risk this kind of thing backfiring, playing happy families only to have your kids grow up to see mammy and daddy killing each other.
OP fancying him, the spark, having a wide-on for him that's all just lust. You thinking with your clit. Your head says this is a stupid idea and you really should listen to it.
Prove to yourself that this is good idea by showing how you can guarantee it will work. Because history says you cannot, and if you look close enough you'll see this is exactly the way he was at the very start of all this too, so he's only being this nice because he wants the same thing and he's pretty sure, and if you ask me rightly so, that he's going to get it. If you didn't want to be with him you'd have already shut down that idea but you're probably going to go ahead and give it a try.
Seriously, OP, 4 damn years of tough, heartbreaking, infuriating and stressful bullshit, does not just get erased because he suddenly has a hard on for you again.
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