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female
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*iff101
writes: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year, but have known each other for some time now. Our relationship is great except for one problem, he is still cool with this girl who he helped cheat on her boyfriend. I am usually an understanding person and tried to accept her, but there is just something about her and the situation that is makes me seriously ill. I mean, the girl sneaks around to talk to my boyfriend when her fiance ( the guy she cheated on ) is not around! My boyfriend and I have talked, but I don't feel there has been a change. Just think about it...why should I trust that he won't cheat on me with her, if they already did it to her fiance? I love him so much, but I don't know if I can take this. What should I do? What would you do?
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male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (16 May 2006):
 I think Yos has pretty much hit the nail on the head here. All I would add is that it doesnt necessarily follow that because he helped her cheat he would cheat on you. I have to confess I have been the other person before but that doesnt mean *I* would cheat on a partner. Hes a different person as an individual and your relationship is a different thing entirely.
Having said that I can understand why you dont trust this girl and think Yos is right - you need to communicate about this clearly, no matter how tuned in we think our partners are sometimes we misread and so do they so we have to be clear. Take care.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (16 May 2006):
 You are in a difficult situation. I can't see a simple solution.
Although you and your boyfriend talked, you didn't manage to get a resolution on the issue that you are happy with. It seems to me that the real issue is that you don't trust this girl, and don't like your boyfriend seeing her. Did you express that clearly to him? Or did you talk 'around' the issue, rather than directly about it?
When asking someone to change their behaviour for your benefit, it is important to express your wishes very clearly and in a non-critical non-judgemental way. You should talk to him again and focus on how you express yourself. Say exactly what you mean, and say it in a way that is not blaming or criticising him. Some possibilities include;
"You haven't done anything wrong, but none the less I'm feeling insecure and nervous about us because of her. It would really help me and make me feel better if you didn't see her (so much / at all)"
"I worry that because she cheated on her fiance, she might cheat again, with you. I know you love me and wouldn't do that, but still I can't help but feel that because of her, not you"
"I know my request isn't really fair, but I'm asking you anyway because it would mean a lot to me."
If you can show your boyfriend that a simple change in his behaviour would mean a great deal to you, he (if he has any sense) will cooperate. However you have to create the space for him to do that where he is not being held responsible or forced into something.
People have different opinions on this, but personally I feel that it is very important to compromise in a relationship on issues that can help build trust and commitment. Something like this, whilst in a way seeming like an unreasonable request (ie not to see someone) can act as very big catalysts for a healthy relationship. Just make sure that the compromises are two-way, and that one person isn't manipulating the other into getting their way.
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