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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hello Dear Cupid, I have been talking to a guy online and we talked about getting together since he lives fairly close by. Initially, I didn't want to go back online because I got hurt in my last relationship. My sister thought it might be a good idea to get out again and at least talk to guys. With this guy I can be myself and we talk about everything. We talked on the instant message and when I saw him he was really gorgeous!I had looked at his profile and I thought he wasn't even going to contact me because he probably gets so many women on there. But I am doing the same just chatting with guys and it is mainly to distract myself from thinking about my ex. So he was asking me a lot of questions and I asked him some too. Well, we made a coffee date and I was extremely nervous.He was excited about it. So the date was good and he kept staring at me and smiling and I did too. Well after our date he walked me to my car and he kissed me. We have had a few more dates and he said on our sixth date that he wanted to make love to me. We were alone and I was crying and he asked me what was wrong so I told him about my ex. I just told him it didn't work out and he was really nice about it listening to me. I couldn't believe a guy so good looking could want me that way. I have been so self conscious about my looks but when he tells me I am beautiful I want to believe him. He asked me if I was okay and I kept crying and he put his hands on my face and kissed me and we ended up having sex. Now I feel like I have betrayed my ex wondering if I slept with this guy too soon. He left me hanging and I never heard from him again but I am conflicted because if he comes back into my life I don't know what I am gonna say to him. This new guy is amazing and he still wants to see me. I am feeling a bit insecure too I guess because he is a great looking guy. And he told me he had an ex who was stalking him. So I listened and he said he felt even closer to me.Should I be honest with him and tell him the whole story about what my ex did to me?
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insecure, my ex, stalking Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for the advice Ciar. It will be nice to do different and exciting things with him.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 March 2014):
 Something else I forgot to mention...
I think you should pace yourself with this guy or any others if this one doesn't pan out. You've already slept with him and you can't undo that, but remember that he is as human as the next person. Like most people, including yourself, he will be on his best behaviour with someone he wants to impress and with whom there is no history.
Undoubtedly anyone will seem like a breath of fresh air compared to a troublesome ex. Don't get so caught up in the moment that you invest too much, too soon and end up hurt again.
You've already bared some of your souls to one another so I think you should steer things to more positive things. Go OUT on dates. Go to the museum, go for lunch, for coffee, take a tour of the city, go skating, go bowling or whatever strikes your fancy. Just don't make your dates all about sex and commiseration about the past.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Tisha, My ex was very jealous and he has some anger issues.
When I think back he was practically threatening that he was such a great catch that he could get any woman to go down on
him. (bragging about his past sexual escapades) I probably
just let it slide because I cared about him. I'm just afraid he might try to contact me. I know my self esteem is not where it should be so I have to work on that. But thanks for the advice everyone.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 March 2014):
 "With this guy I can be myself and we talk about everything." Except that you think your self isn't good-looking enough for him and you don't feel like you can tell him everything.
OP with all due respect, your self-esteem is in the toilet.
You didn't tell us what the ex did, other than he apparently vanished. He went *poof* and I have to say I'm incredulous that you feel that you are betraying him by starting a new relationship.
Why would you even entertain taking this ex back into your life? You owe the ex NOTHING. Nada. Zero. Zip. Bupkis.
I don't think you are ready to be in a relationship if you are still waiting for the ex to come back into your life. What was he, abusive? Nasty? Absent? What did he do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2014): Your ex is an "X" for a reason. You can ride on those sob-stories and self-pity, until he ruins all the new good things you have. You told him your ex hurt you. That's enough. We can all relate to that.
Listen and don't talk too much. He is giving you selective information to evaluate the type of person you are. So far, so good. Keep it that way.
All exes hurt you. They shouldn't invade and intrude on your new romantic-interests. I'm really happy for you.
TAKE IT SLOW. KEEP THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE. DO NOT COMMIT TO ANYTHING. YOU ARE NOT READY!!!!
You have too much residual pain leftover from your last relationship and you keep all the crap built-up in your brain. When it comes to your ex? Girlfriend;you need a laxative!
It takes time to get over people; but you are not ready for a new relationship; until your ex fades into the past where the a-hole belongs. Take back your power and renew yourself. Look forward, not back!
After six dates; sex is fine. You didn't have it until your mind is the right place. You didn't submit for any other reason, than the fact you like the man. And he's yummy to boot!
Don't go starting a new relationship, however. You aren't ready for that. Your head is still full of your ex, and you holdout hope he will contact you. This guy will end-up on the rebound wagon. While you go back to wallow in self-pity and misery over an ex, who couldn't give a rat's ass about you.
Build your new connection on your healing, not on your pain.
Grow up. Don't thrive on drama. Don't seek love using pity.
You are telling people you are damaged-goods and somebody's rubbish when you fill their heads with stories about some abusive a-hole in your pass. Then you fill them with suspicion of how damaged you are. If you have mental problems; or if this jerk will show up in your life again.
Let it go. It's over. Done. Kaput!!!
Unless the guy intends to date your ex; I think you should flush his memories to where nasty things are supposed to go.
Stop spilling your guts about everything in your past. Too much information is the reason people suddenly go cold after a very heated beginning. Don't believe me? Do it and see what happens. Tell the "drama-queen" she can take a vacation. You've got it from here.
Good luck, my dear! You darn well deserve it! Keep it all under control. Don't go overboard!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2014): Normally I'd agree with Ciar and say no. It's never good idea to tell a guy you've only just started dating that you're damaged goods and not at all ready for a relationship, which you clearly are not.
But it's too late for that now because you cried into his face and you kind of need to explain that. OP he's been very nice to you so far, he deserves to be warned that you're only using him to take the edge off what your ex did. He needs to know that at any time you may decide to bail in him because you're not ready.
I think your sister is wrong, OP, I think when she said you should talk to guys she was asking you to be selfish and to use guys as a means to get over your ex. This "really nice" guy now has the potential and very high possibility of you crushing him because of that. That's not fair on him.
He has done nothing to deserve being used, OP, and the decent thing would be to warn him that if your ex comes back into your life it's very likely you'll rekindle that.
OP the decent thing here would be to lay it out straight so he knows what he's getting into, that way he can make his own informed choice as to whether he wants to take that risk.
Frankly I would have walked away after the whole crying thing so his patience and understanding means he'll most likely understand the situation and probably stick around after finding out too. But do let him have that choice OP. So far you've been using this guy, if he knows the situation exactly as it is and the risk that you are to him, then you will no longer be using him because you gave him an informed choice.
OP if something does develop into something long term then he'll really appreciate the honesty and the fact you gave him a choice. If he finds out months down the road that he was an emotional experiment and that you were using him it could wreck everything and destroy his trust.
OP do what you'd like him to do for you if your situation was reversed. You'd like to know exactly where you stand wouldn't you? Well show him the same respect.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (9 March 2014):
If this is another 'abused by the ex' story, then my answer is an emphatic NO, you should NOT tell him all about what your ex did to you.
We've all been hurt. We've all at some point in our lives experienced betrayal, rejection, loss and humiliation. Some of us have experienced severe trauma. So believe me there is nothing so unique or profound about your past hurts that merits a special announcement or special accommodations, which is ultimately what you're seeking.
When you label yourself 'Damaged Goods' all of your future interactions will be seen in that light. That means when you do have a valid concern or grievance it can be easily attributed to hyper sensitivity and dismissed.
Talking about the past keeps you focussed on the past. If this ex did bad things to you, you shouldn't be worrying about what to say to him if he decides to return. He's history so leave him there. New guy, new start.
Maybe in the distant future it might come up conversationally, but don't declare it. Potential friends and lovers are drawn to the positive qualities in you. No one wants your old baggage.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (9 March 2014):
 Oh and no you shouldn't waste any more time worrying about your ex or explaining anything.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (9 March 2014):
It sounds to me like you're not completely emotionally ready to date. If you're still crying over your ex, it means you're not over your ex. And that always spells out a recipe for disaster when you try to have anything other than a friends with benefits/hookup type of relationship with someone else.
Don't feel guilty about your ex. He made his choice. You're not betraying him. He betrayed you. You're just moving on. Which is great.
Maybe try to stay friends with this guy until you're ready for something more serious? Unless you want a hookup every once in a while. Lol. Which is also okay.
Good luck.
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