A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a rocky relationship with my mother, neither of us are a innocent party here really. Im 21 and just recoverd after a tough year involving a family bereavement. Our relationship has never been easy really, we sometimes really don’t get along. On Christmas eve last year after a huge argument my mum told me she didn’t know why i bothered coming home at all, i had to try and put this to the back of my mind and get on with Christmas. On my birthday not long after i was given a suitcase, for me it was the icing on the cake telling me to get out, i hid my disappointment at the time however after an argument it came out how it made me feel and told them i couldn’t accept it and they took it back. At this time my grandmother became very ill and we were all occupied with her, i sunk into depression and have only really starting recovering thanks to my boyfriend who ive been with for over 2 years as he was the only one i could talk to. After her death things got a lot worse, i was crying several times a day and emotionally i was drained, my mum started taking her moods out on me again, insulting me constantly which made me feel worse, any weight loss/gain, my boyfriend, my job. I just didn’t feel good enough. All the time my older brother seemed to do nothing wrong. In the past couple of months, with my boyfriend and with my GP i am feeling much better. Since then i have comments aimed at me saying its calmer in the house when i am not around, how i should be travelling like my brother and generally made to feel unwelcome in my own home. Things had been better for about a month without too many tiffs and dad decided he thought we all needed a break so we booked a holiday, i am looking forward to it although not so much leaving my boyfriend for 2 weeks due to the fact several weeks later i am moving several hours away from home to complete my studies. However these past few days home has not been a nice place for me, last night i mentioned a friend who had a spa day with her mum and how nice it sounded thinking that maybe i should book one up as a surprise for us however her response was she didn’t really enjoyed spending time with me anyway so it wouldn’t be that nice. I am really hurt actually as i have been trying to restore a bit of the relationship with my mother, i am always left to feel guilty like its my fault so if mum gets mardy about my reaction to something she says, i am the bad party and dad appeals to me implying its all my fault. After her comment i don’t actually want to go away with them, the thought of spending 2 weeks with someone who doesn’t actually like my company is horrible. I would really rather be around people who want me there, my friends and my boyfriend. I am thinking of telling dad to cancel my room or let my brother take my place as i think it will actually make everybody happier, i mean my mum doesn’t like my company and would rather my brother, my dad hates the arguments and it would be nice for my brother. Does anyone have any views on this? I am taking a day or two to think this through but i just think if i pull out it will make the family much happier and a least i could be somewhere where i was happy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): I can relate to your situation completely. However, I was only fifteen when my mom started in with her insulting, catty behavior. Needless to say, I was out by the time I turned 16. I have never really looked back, I'm 28 now.
What I came to realize was my mother didn't like to be reminded of her own youth and how she "wasted it raising children". My mom isn't a very nice person to begin with so, when it came to talking to her daughter, she didn't feel the need to sugar coat anything. She later admitted she felt envious of my potential, my youth, my energy so she just summed it up with, "Go! Get out!" The only thing I could do was leave.
And now that I'm not so youthful and not so energetic and am hardly ever around her, we get along much better.
I'm not sure what you're mother is thinking. Maybe your personalities do clash but I think its more likely she is a bit jealous or shes possible just a catty woman by nature. That may be why your brother is so faultless in her eyes. I have a brother too and he didn't move out until he was 23. They get along great. Sure, it hurt at one time but I'm not looking for validation from her anymore. Especailly since she had none to give me.
I say, move out and never go back. She will either thank you for going and giving her space and in turn, your relationship will improve or she'll feel bad and apologize for taking her issues out on you and your relationship will improve. So either way, things will get better. Just don't waste your time trying to tell her how much she hurt you. If she's anything like my mom, she'll only make you feel worse by her cold hearted responses until shes ready to state the real reason she feels this way. Which could take years or maybe even never if she cant admit it to herself her true motivation with driving you off.
Just don't let her opinion of you bring your self esteem down. You sound reasonable and intelligent and caring. And that's pretty good in most peoples book. So cheer up and start packing. You'll be fine.
I know your life will improve with the move sista! Good luck!
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (8 August 2012):
 Don't go on vacation, stay home and get ready to move out as planned. You can spend the time with your friends and your boyfriend. I remember when you wrote us about that suitcase gift and we all said you need to move out. I'm glad to hear you are doing just that in a few weeks.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 August 2012):
 Maybe it IS time for you to move out?
It doesn't sound like a healthy and loving home and I think your mom's tactics to get you to move out and be independent comes off as being mean and manipulative.
And if you do not want to go on a paid vacation with your parent, then you are OLD enough to tell them no, thanks.
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