A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, this is a question for guys mainly...I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, and spending most of the last 6 months staying round at his house.My lease has come up on my own shared house and so I am moving into a new flat. He says that as I have been living with him for the last several months it makes no sense to get the new place. It is like moving out and going backwards in our relationship.He is trying to buy the house which he has inherited along with his sister. He needs to buy the sister's half. To do this he needs me.If I don't buy the house with him he wants us to move into a place together and look for somewhere else to buy.I've said I don't feel ready to buy the house even though in the past I have been intermittently enthusiastic about it. He says the relationship is going backwards and if I move into the new flat there are thousands of girls who would be delighted to move in with him so he is going to find one of them.Is this a normal male perspective please?Thanks. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 August 2012):
 Some couples do proceed in that order: live together, then get married, then have children. You get to decide what works for you.
What doesn't seem to me to make sense is to get your lives financially intertwined until you know for certain that the relationship is the one you want for a long time.
What do YOU want?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 August 2012):
Do you want to marry him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): If a commitment to you was his first priority, then he'd ask you to marry him. His priority seems to be make you jump when he says so....why would you marry this guy?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): Hi again.
Thanks for the advice. Just a couple of things I should add. He would really love to get married ASAP and wants us to have a family in this home. It's me that is the one holding back on that front
If that changes anything I don't know.
He also says that most normal couples live together, get married sand have children. So by getting my own place I am taking the relationship one step back, so it is the wrong direction. Hence he sees that as lack of commitment. That's why he says if I move put it is over.....
Please any more thoughts are really welcome. I'm so confused right now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): I was ready to say perhaps you should consider it right up until this point:
"He says the relationship is going backwards and if I move into the new flat there are thousands of girls who would be delighted to move in "
Let him find one of those girls...you're saving yourself a lot of trouble by not caving.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 August 2012):
 DON'T move in to an address.... and DON'T contribute money to a guy UNTIL he demonstrates his committment to you .... with a RING and a nuptials ceremony....
How many times... how many different ways.... can I tell you ladies this???? ANY MAN who has you at HIS address... on HIS terms... has ALL the power in your "relationship"..
and there is GREAT RISK that he will abuse that power. WHY put yourself in that predicament?????
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 August 2012):
Six months of dating and he's blackmailing you emotionally in order to come up with enough cash to buy the family home from his sister? Why doesn't he just work out a payment schedule to his sister and leave you out of it?
I'd take him up on his charming offer. Don't move in and let him move on. Yuck.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (8 August 2012):
 It seems a male-control perspective.
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A
male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (8 August 2012):
 This isn't a normal male thing, this guy is trying to force you into something your not ready for, he sounds like he's trying to use you, of he thinks he has all these women queuing up round the block to move in with him then tell him to go ahead and move in with them, stick to your guns, don't be forced or emotionally blackmailed into making such a big decision, it would be different if you had been together for a number of years, but 6 months? Tell him no way
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 August 2012):
 I think it's a practical view, more then a male view. Since you HAVE been living with him the last 6 months more or less permanently he thought it made good sense you move in.. However, I think it backasswards for him to bring it up AFTER you get a new place to stay.
Has he even ASKED you to move in? Has he sat you down and explained the finances? BEFOREHAND? Or did he just make assumptions? Maybe you didn't want to take out a loan for a house that WILL not be yours unless you two stay together. Ahd what would happen if you two split? You know all the important thing that need to be in order.
You two need to talk and figure this out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2012): No, it's not normal. A normal male, as you put it who was in love with you, would happily pop the question and make your relationship permanent before requiring you to invest so much into things financially. AND he threatens to find someone else if you don't. Looks like you are being used or strung along for his benefit.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2012): I'd say if you have been together a year, bearing in mind your ages, and the fact that you spent most of the last 6 months living with him, it would certainly not be unreasonable to consider 'formally' moving in together.
However, if you're not ready you're not ready and he should understand and respect that. If he is putting pressure on you, sounds more like he just wants to get the house, rather than necessarily be with you.
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