A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a question involving age difference. I have been dating a man for a year now, I just turned 20 and he is turning 43. We both are very serious about our relationship and I feel we have been very realistic when it comes to dating and the progression within a relationship. In other words, we don't seem to have a starry-eyed view of things, believing everything is and will remain perfect for all of eternity. My question is this, we both love each other (have said it and discussed how we feel to one another) and have discussed several times in detail, the possibility of something very lasting forming between us. I still live with my parents and they don't know I've been seeing this man because quite frankly, I think the reaction will be quite unfavorable, but I'm not sure. I rely on my parent's help with college tuition and life expenses so I'm afraid that if I tell them and they react unfavorably, and since I rely on them for a lot in my life right now, that they'll dictate that I can't see him anymore. If that would be the case, I'd leave but I obviously don't want to go through that whole ordeal. So should I wait to tell my parents about us until I am fully independent and on my own or would it be better to tell them sooner? (Also, I should add, my parents had me really young so they are 4 years younger than him (39), so obviously that's a big factor). Any constructive advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2010): If you're mature enough for this relationship, but are afraid of your parents and still dependent on them, you are not as mature as you think you are. If you don't want their judgment, move out on your own and figure out how to pay for your own education. Otherwise, leave the 39 year old alone and let him play with women his own age that don't need to tiptoe around mommy and daddy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Mr. Reasonable. That was a very insightful and helpful answer. I do realize that this relationship comes with it's own set of positives and negatives, but I'm willing to work through it all. Thank you again for your advice.
Janniepeg: I understand what you are saying about the whole network thing with my parents. However, the whole him using me for money, I don't get. But I appreciate the answer. Thank you.
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A
male
reader, MrReasonable +, writes (23 April 2010):
Dear Girl, That's a difficult situation you find yourself in, and I don't think that anyone can tell you what will be the right thing to do, but I can hopefully help you to see at least some of the positives and negatives of different choices. First of all, I think that if you have a good relationship with your parents now, it will be important for you to be honest with them. This comes at a cost, obviously, but if you approach it from the point of view that it's your choice and you simply wanted to include them in your life, I think they'll appreciate your honesty. They may actually have some insight that could help you in some way. So, I'd be willing to share that with them so they can understand what's going on and possibly support you in making your decision. Dating someone who is that much older than you has its benefits and its trials. Be sure of that. You'll be associating with a circle of people who are concerned with issues that you normally wouldn't be concerned with for another 20 years, they may act strangely towards the entire situation and you may often times find yourself out of your comfort zone in other ways. Also, you will most likely be dealing with health issues for him much earlier in life than most people would, and obviously the end of your life may be less than ideal. I hope that you don't take this as pessimism; I'm just trying to be realistic. On the other hand, there will be a wealth of useful knowledge that you will have the opportunity to soak up way before your peers, many of the struggles that young couples go through will never be a concern and you will probably never have to worry about being taken care of. With that said, I imagine that your parents care about you very much and would want what's best for you. The unfortunate problem here is that in all their wisdom, parents still have to let their children make their own choices. Remind them of this and be willing to listen to what they have to say. Include them in your life and be honest with them, and it will be dividends, even if it takes them a while to realize how brave it was of you to be honest and open about your relationship. I hope that this has helped in some way.-Mr. Reasonable
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 April 2010):
 What do you mean you can't see him anymore? You are old enough you can't even go to a cafe for a drink?
If your parents are sociable and has a wide network of friends, they are more afraid that people would spread rumors and talk among themselves. They'll say, "guess what, the ____ family has a daughter dating someone older than her parents!" They also have concerns about you getting pregnant or him using you for money. If you use birth control, let nobody else know that you are dating, I don't see the harm. You know your parents better. You make the decision. Tell them so you don't have to make up stories of where you are going. Can your boyfriend afford part of your tuition?
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