A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 10 years. In the past 4 years, I've started to become really unhappy because he has broken so many promises, has lied so much, and I want to be married. He says he want's to be married too, but since he's been unemployed very often it's never happened.A friend of his started talking to me recently, and his views on relationships and mine almost sound the same. We mesh together really well and I think I've grown a little crush on him.I think this is especially due to my relationship being in such a bad place.I feel very guilty about this crush, so I've decided to stop talking to this guy totally. But, i believe in honesty. I think it's the right thing to do to tell my boyfriend about the crush, but i am scared it will devastate him. And if we remain together, i know he will bring it up whenever he's upset. What is the right thing to do here?
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male
reader, rasblak  +, writes (11 June 2017):
[To rasblack, I really don't appreciate you saying I want to "deliberately sabotage" my relationship.]
Errata: I really meant to write,
'You sound like you [subconsciously] want to sabotage your struggling relationship...'
OP, it's noted that you don't appreciate my choice of words; still, I carefully said "You sound like" i.e. what follows is my perception as a 3rd party, and certainly I could be mistaken.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. I don't know if I want to go through the drama of dating this guy I've started to like. I think I would need time to think about that.
With regards to my boyfriend, it has always been difficult to leave him, since he always begs me to stay.
To rasblack, I really don't appreciate you saying I want to "deliberately sabotage" my relationship.
My boyfriend and I may have issues, but deep down he isn't really a bad person. I don't want to hurt him, but as I finished in my question, I want to do the right thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2017): You say your bf has broken promises and often lied to you. You've been with him 4 years so I don't see him changing in the future. You should think seriously about calling it quits. Date your crush and really get to know him. See if you two are really compatible.
I agree with Denizen. No need to mention your crush. That won't change you boyfriend's behavior and may make it worse.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (10 June 2017):
 If you think you have run out of options for marriage with your current boyfriend then end it. You can later take up with this new man if an appropriate amount of time has passed.
What would be the point of telling your boyfriend about your crush? It will only cause trouble - trouble between you and him and between him and his friend. Nightmare!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2017): Its a bit messy because of the friend.Its easy for him to be talking all the right talk when he's not in the relationship.I wouldn't tell the boyfriend anything.He will be angry and want to fight the friend for niceing you up behind his back especially if this friend has a reputation for being a ladies man!I think you feel the relationship with your guy has run its course so you should tell him that and break up and then try to meet someone else outside of his friendship group before you go from hand to hand! Or man to man!However, what you do is your choice.Honesty is no good if it is just a means to hurting someone.If he told you he had a crush on your friend but wanted to carry on seeing you, then you would sack him and find someone new.Break up with him because you no longer want to be together and not because his friend has attracted your attention.If you bed the friend I expect that would be a one night stand and everyone would move on.The friend is just sniffing for leftovers but has given you no indication that his good intentions regarding his future wife are meant for you.He can say things about his ideal manners in a relationship but mean it for some one else!Be careful!The friend will have other admirers!
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A
male
reader, rasblak +, writes (10 June 2017):
It just sounds like you don't have the guts to make a decisive move to cleanly break up with your boyfriend. All you'd be doing telling him about this 'crush' thing is to inject further deterioration into your relationship.You sound like you deliberately want to sabotage your struggling relationship under the guise of 'honesty'. At best, it's nothing but a warning you mean to send to your boyfriend.
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