A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've known this guy for 4 years now. We met when his gf was pregnant with their first child. It really was quite instantaneous that we both realized that we really liked each other and had so much in common. But we kept things totally platonic, because he was involved with her. We also had a great way of communicating with each other and helped each other in dealing with various matters (financial, taxes, life decisions, etc.) All throughout our friendship, I became close to both her and to him, but obviously had stronger feelings for him. It didn't take my sis and me long to see how their relationship was/is quite dysfunctional and destructive. I remember taking walks with her while she was pushing the baby stroller and she was always crying and wanting to go back to her home country. She was miserable with him and miserable here. If I could only count the number of times that she cried to me and the number of times my sister and I witnessed them fighting... typically in front of us and in front of their son. It wasn't just fighting, it was downright mean, disrespectful name-calling, etc., all in front of their son. Even though I felt chemistry with him at the time, I placed distance between us in the hopes that they could "work things out", especially if there was any chance that I was the problem. At the time, I was also committed to someone in another country, and didn't want to find myself cheating on him. About a year ago, I ran into my guy friend after not talking to him for several months and he quite candidly asked me why we couldn't be together? I insisted that he knew why. He asked me if it was because he had children? I said no. It was because he had a "family." As long as they were living together and thought of themselves as a committed couple, as long as she had an engagement ring and thought they were getting married, he wasn't an option for me, right?Around the same time, my long-distance relationship came to a screeching halt when I found out that my guy was "seeing" another girl. Long-distance relationship or not, I ended it right then and there. About a week before this, my two friends decided that they were going back to their homeland.The day I found out that my guy was cheating on my, I called my guy friend to confide in him. He stopped by my office that day to listen to me vent and before leaving asked me if he would be able to kiss me "just once" before he leaves this country. I said yes. That following weekend, they invited me over to watch a movie. I live only 3 blocks away, so afterwards he walked me home. We talked like we had always talked and he gave me a hug and it felt so right. In what seemed like forever, he leaned in and kissed me. I've been in several long-term relationships and kissed several guys... and let me tell you... THIS was it. I have never felt anything so passionate in my life, nor have I ever loved someone so much. This movie-kiss scenario repeated itself the following week and then the following week she left this country. On the very night that she left the US, he and I got very intimate. I'm not a trampy girl -- dated one guy 3.5 years without having intercourse with him, at the time I wasn't ready for sex. I don't just have sex with any guy... only 2. That night I wasn't ready for more, so we simply pretty much did everything but. Two days later, we had a serious conversation. He told me that he shouldn't have done what he did... that what he felt for me was not love, it could be love and was close to love, but just wasn't there... I understood. But over the next 9 months, we were close again several times. We did everything as a couple. He asked me to come and be with him for his cortisone shots, I asked him for an occasional ride. He was only supposed to stay behind about 2 months and then join her... but the 2 months turned into 4, 6 and then 9. We spent every day together and talked all the time. He would call me on his breaks and we would talk all the time. Often he would tell me that he liked me a lot and that he really liked talking to me. We learned new hobbies together, we started a small business together, we just completely worked well together. And sometimes, we got very, very intimate. Everything felt right.He used to be quite promiscuous in his past and I know that under normal conditions, he wouldn't have hesitated to make love to me. We both wanted to sooo very badly... but he was afraid that I would hate him if he had to leave. He also has a lot of respect for me and our friendship. Time after time he would tell me things like, "I wish I would have met you earlier," or "If only things were different." When I was saying goodbye to him at the airport he told me that, "he would never be leaving if he didn't have kids." But he had to leave. I love him dearly. He's my best friend and he told me that I'm his. I know that for certain. The chemistry and the love and the friendship and the communication between us is just so perfect and under normal circumstances, we'd be walking down the isle tomorrow. I'd make a great step-mom and he knows that too, but quite frankly he's afraid of his gf and he really wants to be with his children. He wants his children to know their Father. About 2 months ago, the Mother of his children started talking in a way that implied that she was trying to turn the kids against him. He loves his children very much and when asked if he loves his gf, he simply states that he loves his children and if it means he has to stay with her to be with his kids, he will. How terribly, terribly sad that he thinks that a dysfunctional loveless relationship full of arguing and resentment is better than a healthy separation and two-household parenting. Well, long-story short. He left the states at the end of August. My life has been a mess because I miss him so very much. He calls me when he has a chance and typically he asks me what I'm wearing and we tell each other how much we miss each other. Everything is so messed up because of the circumstances, he had no choice but to leave and figure out where they are with their relationship. In the meantime, my heart is totally broken. I'm NOT a co-dependent person and I've cried myself through a few breakups, but nothing has ever lasted and hurt quite this long. Like I've said before, at the age of 35 I've been in several healthy relationships as well as one very unhealthy one (stayed in it and mimicked my Mother - who should have left my Father for all of the mental-abuse she endured).I can honestly tell you that I have never loved someone so much, nor have I ever felt so much love from someone else. I know that I can't pine away for him because he may just very well choose to stay in a loveless relationship with her "for the sake of the kids." In the meantime, I've been emailing him quite a bit. Right now as they relocate, it's the only way I have to communicate with him. About a week ago, I received an email from his gf. She thanked me for all of the help that I showed her when she was here and regrets leaving the US. She also expressed to me that she's always been jealous and continues to be envious of his and my great communication and the fact that we get along so well and can just talk about anything. Obviously, they have a lot of communication problems... that have been around well-before I came into the picture. Like I said, for about 2 years I distanced myself from them, in hopes that they could "fix things". At the end of her letter, she admitted that accidentally she saw the way that I was writing to him and that she has a million thoughts racing through her head right now and she doesn't want to think badly of me. I am CERTAIN that while she was gone for 9 months, she has got to know that something did happen between the two of us. So there you have it, at the end of her email she asked me to be honest with her and to tell her if there is something between her and him. I'm yet to answer. I would personally want to know because I would end things right then and there. I've told him before that it's not fair to either one of them to be living a lie and not being truly happy... that they all deserved that... and the tension and dysfunction trickles down and negatively effects the children. I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet about this. But what should I do? I know that if I tell her that we became intimate, not only will she totally hate me, but she may very well become very, very nasty in terms of how they handle the fact that they have children together. I was seriously hoping that he would go back, see that it doesn't make sense to pretend that things are ok and accept the fact that they are just not meant for each other. I really wanted him to see that on his own. I figured only time would tell... I figured perhaps they could be civil to each other and handle the situation in a very mature way. I'm very concerned that if I email her the truth, she will turn on me, him, and he on me. I sincerely feel that they need to have a conversation and talk things out between the two of them. Should I email her back and suggest that she talk to him about it? I'm not sure how to best handle this. Again, we did NOT have intercourse, but we were very, very intimate and in my book that is very much cheating on someone. Please don't think poorly of me, had he been married I would have NEVER even kissed him. I just knew that they really didn't have much of a relationship and I guess I too wanted to see if there was anything really there. Now I know that he's my soul mate, but we might never be together. Yes, I'm terribly distraught these days, but worse yet, I don't know how to handle her question.Please advise!!Broken-hearted and lost :(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (22 October 2007):
 Hi
I am sorry about this awkward situation you had put yourself in, the best thing is that you knew exactly where it might end. I seriously don’t think you must tell her what happened between the two of you. You managed to live a lie and I think you must keep your dirty little secret to yourself if u truly love this guy. Let him confess if he wants to but don’t for your sake, your goal is to get him back but u know how much his children mean to him if you do confess do you think that this girl will let him near his children? I mean you said it she became mean to him before he left the US so now she will have a real reason and believe me instead of him taking ownership of what he did with u he will hate you for ‘ruining’ his life is that what you want? Because you will also lose him forever the friendship, relationship everything will be lost.
I am sure this girl knows there was something between the two of you the way she observed you together there is no doubt she didn’t realize how much you wanted each other if given a chance, maybe some of their fights were about you ‘just a thought’
Did you tell him she is asking questions? If you did not I think u must and tell him about how you truly feel because I think this revelation is going to affect you as much as it affects her. If u honestly care about this guy and his children like you said you will let him sort his life without any interference and not confessing anything that might jeopardize their relationship. Lets face it if this guy really wanted to be with you the way you see it he would be with you by now the reason you are not its because you are not a priority in his life yet. In the mean time go out on dates with other guys you cant keep your life on hold for someone who cant let go of his destructive relationship what makes you think he is not the dysfunctional one? It takes two you know judge for yourself.
Jovial
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