A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About 6 years ago I was abused sexually by a family friend but never told anyone as he has a wife who is very dependant on him. Then when I was 16 I got in a very involved relationship with a boy who I now know is very depressed, long story short he forced me into sex and was very controlling and since breaking up with him I have learnt he sexually abused his stepsister years ago. I have now been seeing someone for 4 months and I feel we have a good connection, we are taking things slowly as he is a couple of years older than me and has been in a few relationships that have gone wrong and he says he does not want to lose me. He is very open and tells me personal things no one else knows, I think he has noticed I find intimacy difficult as he often asks if I am ok. I just don't know whether to tell my history?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): "6 years ago I was abused sexually by a family friend but never told anyone as he has a wife who is very dependant on him"
Tell someone, make sure that the authorities know. Call a rape hotline and make sure the story is told. These people abuse others as well, you are not alone and probably are not the only one.
As far as the current bf. Yes, you need to tell him. Open up to him slowly, steadily, and BEFORE you have sex.
Get this book and read it, or one similar: http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933
Know that this will affect you for a long, long, long time unless you deal with it now and effectively. See your physician, and tell your physician EVERYTHING and let him/her know about who, what, when, where, etc. Tell them names and all.
Now, this is the voice of experience speaking.
My wife was sexually abused, and because of this her life before and after she met me was sexually problematic. She had a single short affair, long after we were married, and when being treated for depression, which led to us going to counseling which eventually led her to open up (good counselor who was finally able to break down the resistance to opening up and a very patient husband who simply could not understand what happened but was willing to keep trying and keep asking).
This stuff really fucks up your relationships around sex and intimacy, more than you realize, and you need to work on understanding your reactions to people around intimacy and you won't even be able to see it unless you do a lot of work on understanding what it does to you.
A
male
reader, LT1  +, writes (3 January 2011):
i think you should tell him before the relationship goes further. Personally i dont think its a deal breaker since well it wasnt your fault. I went thru this with my ex girlfriend of 3 years. She was raped 2 years before we went out and when that subject would come up she would never tell me about it and she finally told me after 2 years of our relationship. It didnt make me feel different about her only in the way that she kept it a secret for so long. I didnt affect the way i saw her in my eyes but it made me feel bad because i thought we had no secrets. If he really loves you he will actually be encouraging for you but if you tell him after a long time he will feel like hes been lied to all this time.
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A
female
reader, SnowStorm51 +, writes (3 January 2011):
As long as you feel comfortable with him and want a future with him, you should tell him. If he notices that something seems wrong and he has no idea about what happened in the past, he might think that he is doing something wrong or that maybe you just aren't into him all that much. Be open and honest, and do it at a time that feels right and/or necessary.
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