A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiMy boyfriend seems to have anger management issues and I was wondering how would I teach him that acting agressive towards a woman is wrong?I had considered telling his parents or perhaps letting it be known to a few of our friends but then again, if this can be resolved without involving them, I'd prefer them not to know the bad side of him if it can be fixed.I do not want to humiliate him, or tell people the in's and out's of our relationship but I am really feeling the need to find a way to get it through to him that acting like he is has me scared he will one day hit me.He seems to think that since I can allow myself to get annoyed to the point where I am screaming or well, raising my voice that it is okay for him to go one further and act like he will beat me if I do not quieten down.Would therapy help?Is there someone I should get him to speak too to help him realise that acting this way around me, a woman, is totally wrong? His dad, a mutual friend perhaps?Where has the 'a real man would never hit a woman' sentiment gone?Help please! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): The only message this man and any abuser will understand is for their partner to leave, and end the relationship.
His behaviour is not tolerable and its making you get mad as well.
Break the cycle before you are emotional damaged and start to think its because of you that he acts this way.
Its not your fault. Dont go running to his parents because this may be the way they are in their own relationship or that hes this way because they tolerated him being an angry child with tantrums and did not tell him his behaviour was wrong.
I know its hard when you love someone to let them go but its better now than to wait and see how far he will go. Or to wait till you have got kids with him and it will be even harder to leave, if he is still the same and you are still screaming at him, not a nice place for a kid to be raised.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): You can't fix someone else. If he's not changing already on his own, then all you can do is either tolerate it or leave.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289  +, writes (30 August 2011):
It's possible that he may have LEARNED this behavior from his father, so you may be stepping into a mine field there. The only way you're going to get this guy to change is to confront him with the truth, which is "change or I'm out of here". Hopefully he's not the type that will fly into a rage at that bit of news and attack you. You may want to confront him in the safest location possible, but if he looses it that may not matter.
You need to look inward and see what's stopping you from leaving. Women in domestic violence relationships often "love" their abusers soooo much that they can't be objective that they need to leave before Mr. Wonderful kills them.
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A
male
reader, 5678bam +, writes (30 August 2011):
I know I'm just a young'in, but it's not rocket science to realize that you have to tell him to go to anger management classes or you're out. If you think that he's to the point where he'll hit you if you tell him that, then I'm not COMPLETELY sure what to tell you; bring a friend along? I'm not sure. But just as a good rule of thumb, you should try to NEVER raise your voice at him, ESPECIALLY if you know he has an anger problem. Yelling gets people nowhere. I know it may be hard at times, but you have to just be rational and remain calm.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): My thoughts:1. You're right not to tolerate his abuse. But, don't just tell him it's unacceptable, SHOW him you won't tolerate it. By walking out and if need be by ending the relationship and telling him it will stay ended until he re-trains himself to behave more normally. 2. You need to not be screaming or raising your voice either. Don't contribute to this situation. It's his responsibility to control himself and your responsibility to control yours. If you scream at him, you're being verbally abusive and you're adding fuel to the fire, which is something that you don't have to do.3. Don't tell his parents or friends. It's wrong to drag other people into your personal relationship. You can turn to other people for him for YOURSELF, like if he hit or scared you and you need somewhere to go. But it's wrong to go to other people to pressure them to join your campaign against your partner. the way you get through to him is by YOUR actions, which is, ending the interaction when he starts to get abusive. Or ending the relationship entirely and telling him it will stay ended until he learns how to control himself by getting into therapy on his own.also be prepared that many abusive people never change unless they lose a lot of relationships because of their behavior. So it could be that as long as you continue to stay with him he'll never change. Only if you leave him, and his next gf leaves him, and the next one after that too, then maybe he'll some day change.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 August 2011):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-show-my-boyfriend-his-violence-is-wrong.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-is-unappreciative.html
Are these your posts as well? I rather think they are.
Sweetheart, you are in a relationship with an abusive man. He will not change unless he wants to. My guess is that you've tried to fix this already.
Get out while you are still able. You will thank yourself later, when you realize that you have made a lucky escape.
Sorry that's not what you want to hear but there's no point in sticking around for more abuse from a guy with anger issues. Someday, the boundary will be broken and you will be injured.
Best wishes to you.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (30 August 2011):
 Going to his parents or your mutual friends will not end well. What exactly has he done that makes you so concerned? Does he physically touch you at all?
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