A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm looking for an outside opinion on this please, as the people I know are way too close to the whole thing I think.Ok I'm almost 30 and I've worked for my current employer for 2.5 years, and in that time I've become very good friends with two of my colleagues who started at the same time as me - let's call them Kate and Pete. When I met her, Kate was also friendly with another colleague, let's call her Lorna. Lorna is 34 and a nice enough girl, but she's a bit intense and isn't the type of person I'd normally be friends with as there is always drama when she's around. For example, she was very jealous of mine and Pete's friendship with Kate when we first started at the company, and she was always inventing non-existent issues that she 'only felt comfortable' speaking to Kate about any time we all had plans. This isn't the first time she's got territorial around her from what I've been told, and Kate gets really stressed out with her sometimes.Anyway, I persisted in being nice to her and she finally accepted me (and Pete) into the group. We have all moved teams since we first started, but we still make a point of meeting up every few weeks to go for lunch or for a drink or two. I still wouldn't say we are proper friends, but we get on ok now and I see her fairly regularly due to the group meetings.Anyway, about a year ago Lorna moved to a different department in a different building and immediately developed a huge crush on a guy who works there. He is 31. For about 6 months, she became overly obsessed with him, to the point that she tried to follow him home one night after a work night out (I wasn't there but the whole office knows about it and she's admitted it herself). She's not only told him several times that she likes him, but she's told everyone else too and has tried to kiss him in the past too. The guy in question eventually had to take her into a private office and tell her to back off, as he had become a bit freaked out by her behaviour.We also spoke to her as a group lots of times, telling her if she wasn't careful this crush could affect her job and reputation. Eventually, once she realised everyone was talking about her, she calmed it down and stopped acting quite so extreme towards him. She still talks about him a lot, but now only to continually reiterate the point that she no longer likes him. Which I don't believe and I guess the others don't either although we've not discussed it in any great detail.FYI, nothing ever happened with them or ever will as far as I can tell.So fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, and I ended up in a meeting with this guy as I'm helping with a one off project to improve communications between the different offices and we're the respective reps from each building. This is the first time I've ever met him properly, although I knew who he was, and we ended up really hitting it off. This afternoon after our final meeting, he pulled me aside and asked if I'm going to the end of project night out on Friday as he'd like to buy me a drink. I've been single for 5 months and this is the first time I've felt any sort of connection with anyone since my last boyfriend, but I feel like I can't say yes because of Lorna. I have always believed that friends come before any guy, but at the same time I don't even count her as a true friend as I find her very difficult to deal with. I don't think she thinks of me as a real friend either as we never do anything on our own, but she has warmed to me a lot so I may be wrong. Pete and Kate think I should go for it (one because they like seeing me excited about someone, and two because it will put him off limits to Lorna once and for all), yet I feel horrible. I considered speaking to her about it before making my decision, but knowing what she's like I think she'd tell everyone and turn it into a big drama. I don't want gossip about his offer of buying me a drink getting back to him through the office grapevine as that could be embarrassing for both of us. I also feel that if I tell him I'm saying no because of her it will embarrass her too which I don't want.I'm tempted to decline his offer to make things easier for all concerned, but everyone is telling me that I'm being silly and that I should take a chance at happiness when it's there. I do find there are a lot fewer guys in the dating pool now, so maybe they are right? What do you all think aunts and uncles? Just for info, relationships with co-workers are totally fine (and common!) in my workplace and it's unlikely I'll ever have to work with him again either so from that point of view there's no issue.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): Go for the drink with him. Say nothing to her and nothing to him. He already knows what a nightmare she is and so does everyone else. If she reacts badly, be kind but assertive with her, just like you would with a moody teenager having a strop - because it seems that's the stage that she's got stuck at psychologically and only counselling will help her to grow out of it.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (13 April 2015):
 You knew this woman was a drama queen... your instincts told you to avoid her. You tried to make it work.
It's not going to work. You aren't friends.
It's okay.
Put yourself first. Be nice, and polite, but be firm about it.
This woman is not in charge of your dating life or your choice of friends.
Now woman up!
:) You'll be fine.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to you both for responding. Believe it or not, this situation has actually come about as I was trying to avoid drama (by trying to create a friendship within the team when we were a project team of 4) but I guess it's come back to bite me a bit.
I'm bad for putting others before me, and I sometimes struggle to realise when it's time to be a bit more assertive and put myself first. Your advice has really helped so thanks again.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 April 2015):
It does sound a bit like high school.
She didn't get dibs on him. If you like him enough to have a drink with him, have a drink with him. If it works out and you start to date, then you start to date.
The thing is that in high school, you eventually graduate and then wind up in the real world, without a clique, unless you choose to make one or join one.
You don't need to be part of her clique. How is it that she's the gate-keeper of "the group"? Who voted her the membership director?
It's just a drink.
If you feel "horrible" about having a drink with a guy you work with, then don't have a drink with him. Do you need absolution in order to have a drink with him?
You have our absolution.
Does that mean anything to you, will that change things?
I'd try to move out of the high school drama thing and this woman's clique and just get on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 April 2015):
 It';s not high school anymore, she (Lorna) might have WANTED the dude, crushed on the dude, but I don't see why you would need HER permission to go out for a drink.
Now If something does happen and you two start to date, I would inform Lorna so she hears it from you, not from office gossip.
No matter what you do though... Drama might ensue.
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