A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a work question rather than a relationship one but I’m hoping that’s ok.I have been working in my current role for about 2 years now. It is a very niche industry, in fact mine is the only company in Scotland that I could do this job in. Jobs like mine are very hard to come by and require a lot of training, so I’m many ways I am lucky to have the job I have.The problem is, my manager is unbearable. He is a bully and a micromanager, and I’ve lost count of the number of people that have left because of him even in the short time I have been here. He’s even had a few formal bullying complaints raised against him but always manages to get off with a slap on the wrist somehow. Due to yet another person leaving, I was asked to fill in for a few months at a higher level. I have now been doing this for 3 months and the opportunity of a longer contract (one year) has been offered. But I am conflicted.This promotion means working closer with the manager than I was in my previous role, and after doing it for only 3 months I am more stressed than I have ever been. He gives us no clear direction but gets very angry if we don’t deliver exactly what he wants, and thrives on making people unsure whether they are going to get praise or shouted at (often both happen in the same conversation!). I have been getting less sleep and have had both an ear infection and chest infection in the past 3 months due to the stress I’m under. So in some ways I’m thinking I should decline the promotion and go back to my lower job in which there was at least a buffer between me and him.On the other hand, I still have large student debts to pay off from the masters I did to get this job and this role would be the difference between me having £100 after essentials per month and £600. If I took the job I could pay back the loans quicker and even build savings which I’d really like to do. It would also be great experience, and could allow me to work in similar roles in London/the US in the future. So essentially I’m struggling to decide whether I should take the promotion and suck it up for a year to gain more experience and financial security; or stay where I am until such a time (if ever) the boss is gone and I can apply again. Of course there is no guarantees with that option.I feel like to accept the job is endorsing the bad treatment myself and my colleagues face every day from this manager, but if I refuse I’m sure they will find someone else and I’ll still be struggling for money and experience as I am currently.Any advice hugely appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2019): I would take the job but also invest some of the pay rise into managing my stress levels and nurturing my health.
When I was doing a VERY stressful job, bringing up a child alone on poverty wages with a very bullying boss, I knew if I could stick it out for one year it would lead to a better job. It was mainly hellish, I felt like I'd sold my soul to the devil, I had to go without all the things that people of my age were experiencing - travel, new clothes, going out clubbing, just not worrying about money at all. I literally counted every single penny so that I could ensure a better life for my daughter, AND, back then, had to put up with so much prejudice and discrimination against single mothers - even though it was my husband who had abandoned us.
The ONE, single thing I did that saved my life was to scrimp and save enough money to go swimming in my lunch hour twice a week. I cannot tell you how difficult it was to find that money but I know for a fact the activity of swimming gave me an edge over everything. Luckily for me, there was.a swimming pool very close to the office, and I used to pretty much run there, swim for 20 minutes and run back, eating my lunch on the go. It kept me sane and it was the only time for myself.
Later on, when I did get a better job, I had a bit more money to join a gym with a swimming pool - this was even better - so stress relieving. I was saving up for a house by that time and had paid off my student loan. People thought I was crazy to 'waste' money on a gym, but I didn't see it like that. It was my one and only investment into my health and I really valued it. It helped enormously with stress.
I would really strongly advise you to put some money aside as stress relief money that you invest into physical exercise that's fun, or soothing or releases a lot of tension - there are so many activities to choose from. Actually paying for this rather than doing it for free eg. by running in the park etc - can be a major motivation NOT to waste the money and to turn up and do the sessions or classes. Think of it as similar to paying off a debt that you owe to your body, or as an investment into your future health, or just as your own way of kicking your boss where it hurts each time he tries to break you down.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2019): Take the new post without hesitation. If you don't then someone else will and you will be bossed around by someone else. So the wisdom is boss them around yourself rather than being bossed around by them. You seem an intellegent guy, you can justify to yourself why you are having to put up with a nasty boss and if you can device a way to deal with him, you can deal with any stressful situation in the future. Be strong. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 October 2019):
 Only you can decide on what is right for YOU. It all depends on how strong you feel and how long you want to struggle paying off your debts. Also, if you are prepared to go through a bit of (relatively) short term pain for the sake of better opportunities down the line.
If it was ME (and based on the type of person I am), I would take the higher paid job while always keeping in mind it is a means to an important end. Get a separate savings account before you get your new higher wage, work out how much you can afford to save each month while still paying off increased amounts off your debts, and set up a standing order to put that money aside as soon as you get your wages so that you are not tempted to spend it. When things get a bit tough at work, have a quick peak at the figure in your savings account and remind yourself WHY you are doing this.
While you can't control your manager's toxic behaviour, you CAN learn how to control your own stress levels in response to it. You have a CHOICE here: you can get stressed and upset, or you can shrug, remind yourself he is just a poor manager who is probably very insecure in his own job to treat others the way he does. Always come across as very willing to learn, to listen, to do whatever he is looking for. Ask him questions if you are not sure. Look up to him (even if you have to PRETEND) and you will probably find it easier to survive the next period of your working life.
Remember, there is always more than one way to deal with someone else's behaviour. For instance, if he says "This is not what I wanted", you have the choice of taking it personally, getting grumpy about it, arguing that he didn't tell you what he wanted and stomping off to sort out the issue. OR you can smile and say "I am so sorry. Let me go away and sort it out." The second response will give YOU less stress and will also (hopefully) soften up your manager.
Also remember, this is giving you experience so that you can get jobs elsewhere. Perhaps researching and making realistic plans on how to get those jobs will also help you get through this next period of your working life.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2019): I meant to say:
"There's an unspoken understanding of "don't ask," and "I won't lie to you, if you did!"
"Your neighbors, or your community can get on your nerves."
(Not to mention your parent's expectations!)
"Everyone reaches their plateau in efficiency, and eventually become obsolete."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2019): You're going to be either stressed under debt working for him, or paying-off your debt; and learning more about how to deal with difficult management-styles.
You're in your 30's; which makes you somewhat of a seasoned-employee. The problem with people these days is they need coddling; and can't really see the bottom-line. Rather than having vision and a plan to get the job done; they let emotion override their professionalism and skill. They take everything personally. It's business, it's not a personal-attack, or a social-event. It's your job! Although there are overbearing-bosses; there are overbearing people everywhere you turn! Look at how they pile on-top of you on social media; if they don't like what you say! You neighbors, or your community can get on your nerves. You have to toughen and stand-up under some of the weight. You get better with practice. You grow stronger as you learn! I've paid my dues, and I know that!
I'm in the corporate sector. I mean high-pressured, travel on short-notice, and a "they want it yesterday" environment! Sharks in suits show-up out of nowhere! I had to get my own teeth by learning how to maneuver around these men and women; who have earned their ribbons, medals, and stars! Never to my face, but behind my back; they've said some good things about me. I get perks and bonuses; but unlike the bigger boys and girls, I have to earn mine!
I was scared when I got promoted a couple years back; because I'd be working directly under the top execs. I was terrified, to put it in simpler words! They don't sweet-talk you, you're fully accountable for your decisions, and mistakes; but you'll grow a tougher-skin after taking a few hard licks. I guess you have to be made for it. I wasn't! I had to develop myself and work harder, or stay under their heels. Enduring their phony smiles, condescending pats on the head, and hidden bigotry! Even sabotage of my work!
I've never had student loans to worry about; but being gay, I was a target for homophobes, self-righteous conservatives, and there was a glass-ceiling.
I'm not officially "out" at work; but there is no wife and kids, and I've never been married. There's an unspoken understanding of "don't ask," and "I won't lie to you you do!" Deal with it! Over the years with my firm; there are now openly-gay marriages and partnerships within the company. My private-life is my business! The sharks look for your sensitive-spots, make their jokes. Discretion is not an excuse, just my choice! You guard your softer-underside; but you still have to have a hard outer-shell. Which I've had to develop from childhood! I'm gay, as well as biracial! So pardon me when I don't seem that phased by people when they complain, let themselves be intimidated, or shy from a challenge! Nothing ventured, nothing gained! It's been a challenge for me all my life! That's why I've come here to DC to help people. Been there, and I've done that!
Think in terms of paying off the bills! That's your goal!
How do you deal with a ballbreaker?!! Be point-blank with questions, and ask for written specificis! Ask for his suggestions to be sure you meet your boss's expectations. No, I don't believe for one minute he has no idea what he's looking for. Nobody ever bothers to ask or hold him to it. He also expects you to know your job. He has built a reputation on being a "hard-ass!" Your challenge is to figure-out what makes him tick; and don't show fear every-time he barks. If he hasn't been fired due to complaints; it's because they like his style, and he gets results. He weeds out the weaklings! It's really an outdated drill-sergeant tyrannical-approach; but if it works for him, he'll be around until you come along and take his job. Everyone reaches there plateau in efficiency, and eventually become obsolete. If he's in his 40's, give him until his late 50's; unless he gets promoted, he'll run out-of-steam. Either that, or he meets his match! It could be you!
See if you can negotiate taking the job on a contingency-basis. Give you 90 days to acclimate to the pressures and responsibilities of the job. Have a sit-down with the manager, and ask him what it is he is expecting; and if he has certain criteria or specifics to be met. Insist he pay you the courtesy of laying them out for you. Also remind him you're a professional; and you've taken on the challenge with the expectation that you're treated with respect, and given a fair chance. If you fall short, at least show you what you're doing wrong. Don't just scream at you, that doesn't motivate you at all! Don't take it unless you can return to your old position, if things don't workout.
If you've spent a fortune to obtain a graduate-degree, and wanted to excel at what you do; take on the challenge. If you just like forever paying on your loans; and you're not prepared to take-on a challenge. Remain where you're safe and comfortable. In your place, where he put you! Stressing under the weight of debt; and fearful of his bluster and bravado.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2019): Having recently have my health change for the worse and my life now not what I would like, I am inclined to say look after your health first, because without that, you don't have anything. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 October 2019):
 Only you can make this choice. After all YOU would be living with whatever YOU choose to do.
Personally? I'd take the job for that year, it if becomes TOO much I'd look into going back to the old job. But I think paying off a large amount on a student loan is potentially a bigger boon than dealing with a cranky bully. Maybe learning how to handle this boss can lower the stress level for EVERYONE.
And yes, I think it's possible to suss him out, as far as HOW he operates, how to communicate EFFECTIVELY with him and thus avoid a lot of the drama HE creates.
But if you rather not, then don't.
It's YOUR life, so choose what YOU feel is right.
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