A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I left my husband a year ago because I found out he was cheating on me, we haven't filed for divorce but live in separate houses and live separate lives. I was so determine to file for divorce with my taxes money this year so that I could finally move on. But I'm puzzled because he has been begging to come back into my life, says he can't live without me that it was a major mistake what he did for me to find it in my heart to forgive him and to take him back. He is going to counceling and invites me to go with him all the time, I'm very confuse because in the last three months I started seeing someone that I thought I really liked but he could just be the rebound guy because I really don't want anything intimate with him right now, and I told him I wouldn't till I was a free woman, but I thought I was just being careful because I'm still married by paper but what if its really cause I haven't stopped loving my husband, because deep down I think I still love him I just can't or haven't tried to forgive his affair. Should I swallow my pride and give him another chance or move on with my life. I know eventually the power is in my hands but would like to hear some advise before I bring this topic up to my family and friends. If it helps I have two daughter 17 and 7 and been married for 20 years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): Of course only you know what you should do. I personally would have a very hard time trusting him again. I think every time he would be running late, it would make me wonder. Did he come forward and tell you about the affair or is this something you found out on your own? And was it ongoing?
You started to heal, and to take him back just make sure he's worth it. Don't let someone break your heart twice.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 April 2013):
 IF you are questioning whether or not to go back (as is NORMAL btw) then I suggest you do what Eddie said.
get a counselor for yourself to work through your feelings alone.
going with him to marital counseling to find out why he did what he did (and if it was a one shot deal and he's truly repentant, I would hear him out totally)
figure out if you love HIM or just the whole it's easier to be married than get a divorce and date kind of thing.
and as usual I will close with my own personal story that pertains to this topic.
my mother and father married at 19 and 23. (dated from 16/19) they were each others one and only... 25 years into their marriage (with me pregnant with their oldest grandchild) my father strayed for the first (and only) time.
he moved out for 3-6 months (I don't remember how long it was exactly) but I do remember my mother saying to me "I told your father I loved him and did not want to enjoy my first grandchild without him" and my father realized that he was throwing away something that was truly crucial to his well being.
I am not privy to the rest of the personal details of how they worked it out but daddy moved back home and they were a wonderful loving perfect couple for another 11 years till my mother died in my fathers arms (of cancer) and he wept for the one and only time I have ever seen my father cry in my entire life. Had she not forgiven him, they would have moved on and lived separate lives and he probably would have grieved her death so deeply with unresolved issues that he might never have moved on.
I'm not saying that you must forgive your husband. That is your choice. I'm just saying, if you do forgive him and he is serious about making it work, and you do love him, that it might behoove you to consider testing the waters with him before you truly toss in the towel on this one.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): Your description is worded in an interesting fashion.
It appears as if you really do love him and are using the fact that he is "begging" you as payback.
He made a HUGE mistake but posturing is not the way to go. It simply doesn't solve much. You must be 100% honest with yourself instead of torturing him while putting your life on hold.
Talk to those that you can be 100% honest with. If that means you ask a professional, then ask a professional.
It seems a bit unfair that you have to provide the solution to something you didn't do but you are the only one who can. Do whatever it takes to fully, thoroughly and completely "clear the air" and then make your decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): I agree with everything Eddie85 said. Also, did you ever have an affair on him or have flings that he was aware of and approved of? If yes, consider how that made him feel even if he did approve. Maybe he approved to hold on to you because thats how much he loves you even though the affair or flings crushed and tormented him beyond what you could ever imagine. What or who provoked his affair?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): I think its more prudent to move on rather than try to get back with your husband, after his affair. Even if it works out in the long term you will never be the same again and most people would always have some doubts and suspicions. It just isn't worth it in my opinion. To me no relationship is worth that much lifelong pain if it was a relationship where the other person betrayed you. No person who betrayed your trust is worth your continued agony as you have to live with battling your mistrust the rest of your life. Move on. You can forgive your husband but this is not the same thing as getting back together. And true forgiveness has to happen when you are emotionally ready not just because he wants it to happen now.In my opinion the fact that he wants you to take him back shows just how little he cares about you. He has no sympathy for you. If he did he would hang his head in shame and have the decency to accept that he lost you. He wouldn't be trying to get you to forgive him let alone take him back. The reason he wants you back is because he is afraid of being alone. That is a self centered reason that does not take your feelings and needs into consideration.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (10 April 2013):
 I think the only person that can answer this question is you. There are no guarantees in life and you'll certainly be taking a risk in going back to your husband. Things could work out blissfully or he could be going through the motions of being a repentant husband.
I would go through the following before making any decisions:
1) See a therapist for yourself -- and on your own. A therapist can really dig into your life and help you determine what is really going on... a lot more than anyone can figure out in the 300 words you gave us.
2) Know why your husband cheated in the first place: Was he neglected? Was your sex life constantly put on hold? Were you there for each other emotionally? Was / is he a philanderer? What role did you play in his straying? Why did he do it, who was she, and has it ended? Often cheating has a catalyst -- determine what it is without hesitation -- or else it will repeat itself.
3) Possibly most importantly: Can you forgive him?
I really think having someone (just for you) to talk to will help guide your decisions and give you confidence. You owe it to your children and yourself to give this every consideration, especially if your husband is sorrowful.
Eddie
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