A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have had a rocky marriage of 4 years. I have a very good share of the blame for that, as I have been very selfish and immature in our marriage. On my husband's end, he is very controlling and emotionally abusive, pretty much refusing to let me experience things for myself because it's "dangerous" and I'm "a woman". This led to a lot of resentment between us. Anyway, after finding out about him having a couple flings, I got very angry, and jumped the gun. I moved out the next week and we have been separated now for 3 months. We decided last month that we don't want to divorce. I've spent the time working on myself, and I'm one of those people who believes that almost any marriage can be made a happy one with the right effort. The problem is, my husband is acting super cold. At first he wanted me to come home and contacted me every few days, but now that we've agreed to stay together, he has distanced himself. We both took off our rings at the beginning, but I have since started wearing mine again. I asked him tonight over the phone to start wearing his again and he said "We'll see. When you come back home and if things go well, maybe." I don't really blame him for not agreeing, especially since I was the one who hurt him by taking mine off first. And if I'm honest, although living alone has been wonderful, I really miss my husband and I want to move back in with him, but I don't know if I should.My apartment contract is 6 months, but I'm worried that staying apart any longer will pull the rift between us so far apart that it can't be bridged anymore. My husband is awful at communicating and being physically apart makes that even worse....Should I stop worrying about him and continue working on myself and focus on the relationship after the full 6 months, or should I end our separation early and try rebuilding asap?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2016): What you have with him as a codependant relationship. It's quite common and it's usually a woman who's immature and "needs" protection (remember YOU chose to marry him!) while a man plays the role of a "protector" (more likely a policeman).It takes two to tango. Once you realize what you're doing, become aware of your own fears, negative thought patterns... and how they manifest in your life you have a choice, either find healthy ways of dealing with your insecurities and fears or continue to use the negative solutions (that have worked for you so far) - being in an abusive relationship. Make no mistake, if you do not change yourself the next guy you find will be pretty much the same.What worries me is that you left him because he cheated not because of his abuse. It shows not only that hi hit your ego by cheating, but that it made you realize that you may lose the thing that you were subconsciously after in the first place, this idea of protection and control. If we feel that we're immature and out of control (it's usually something we picked up in the environment we grew up in) and we had someone to helps us in that department when we were kids (parents, for instance), we'll seek that kind of relationship with a partner. Usually these partners are abusive, especially if we suffered some form of abuse in our childhoods. Abuse doesn't have to being hit or yelled at. It can be also a (complete) control a parent can exercise over his child. "Protecting you for your own good" sort of thing.Behind that fear there is ALWAYS parents'/partners' fear of abandonment.That's why subconsciously he chose you. You wouldn't leave the guy who offers you his protection and wisdom, now would you?But, he too had to pay the price of dealing with someone who's immature as you say and in the end who started seeking more freedom than he was ready to give.So there you go. Work on yourself first. Find counseling; Cognitive therapy may work in your case faster. Try other therapies as well. But focus on yourself. And then you'll see if you want him back or not. He should do the same before you go to couples counseling. I think you have strength and will to let go of your negative patterns and move on. God luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2016): Neither of you seem to know how to compromise. That's where a marriage counselor may help. You need a mediator because your husband doesn't communicate. If he refuses to make the effort, then you're working by yourself. He may have gotten used to the freedom. It's a total waste of time and effort if you're not both putting equal effort into saving your marriage.
Talk is useless when there is no course of action to follow. You're just waiting out the inevitable. In a way he is using this to break your will. By setting standards too high to reach, and constantly raising the bar. Waiting to wear-down your spirit and self-esteem, until you're submissive enough to take you back. If this is a power-struggle, your marriage is reduced to just a tug-of-war. You have to have compromise, and see each other as equals. A partnership.
Consider these questions. What are you trying to save? If he cheats and he's been abusive; is he likely to change, or leaving it all up to you to change? What kind of marriage do you have when your spouse won't even talk about your problems? How can you find common-ground for compromise, if he doesn't own his mistakes? If you're snarky and resentful, what is the cause and a reasonable solution?
If you don't know how to convey your issues, are you leaving it up to him on the chance he might figure it out?
Maybe it isn't that he doesn't want a divorce. He doesn't want the legal expenses and splitting everything down the middle. He may not like the idea of you finding someone else. Cheaters tend to be more jealous and possessive; because they don't like swallowing their own pride and facing their karma.
If you're working at this all by yourself, you won't save your marriage. If he's being cold, that's his passive-aggressive way of punishing you. Most likely, his mind is already made up. Perhaps the damage you've done is irreparable; but I don't see any reason to save a marriage if there is an element of abuse. Yes divorce is the last resort; but sometimes it is the only option when your mate is putting forth no effort. Then what's the point?
If you feel you're spinning your wheels, get some counseling on your own. The lopsided blame-game makes no sense. You feel it's your fault, and he agrees! Abusive-men are good at convincing you the abuse is all your fault! Be it physical, verbal, or psychological.
Ponder over whether the marriage is really something worth saving, and ask him point-blank if he feels it is? Then what does he plan to do about it? No answer, means nothing.
Get your legal ducks in a row, hire a divorce attorney. .
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (18 July 2016):
 I believe that couples should exhaust all efforts to fix a marriage before they decide to dissolve it. What you describe shows no effort at solving anything. Both of you just ran away from one another. That isn't an effort at solving anything.
So staying apart got both of you to realize that you want to fix things. If starting the effort to fix becomes bumpy as it looks like it is, you may need so extra help to mediate this, especially if you are finding your husband to be inarticulate at this.
So I wouldn't break this marriage up without effort to fix it. As noted by Honeypie, get counseling by someone whom you are comfortable with and skillful at mending fences.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 July 2016):
 Find a marriage counselor. JUST moving back is NOT going to fix the underlying issues you two have.
IF you belong to a church look and see if your priest/rabbi/pastor offers marriage counseling.
If you don't I'd actually find one online/yellow pages.
If you two can't make it work, why be married then? right? So GET TO fixing it and YES he has to participate, you can't "fix" everything by yourself as the ISSUES that lead to where you are now weren't just made by you.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (18 July 2016):
 First step in making things work again is to know yourself and admit your mistakes (because a marriage is two way street). I'm glad at least you can admit that you were immature and selfish. It sounds like he cheated but you didnt mention what you did either? My guess is hes acting out against you for something you didnt mention in your post. Its a cycle of attack and game playing and you need step out of that circle. Stop manipulating the situation or making him guess things, he will do the same to you. Emotional abuse is same as physical. Sometimes we women have to take the higher road though...I'd say its best to put some distance but you must come back together again. LONG time apart is not good, people can develop habits by themselves and learn to be independent. Hes being cold because it sounded like you started the game by not wearing the wedding ring. You both have a lot of growing up to do and alot of things to make up MOST importantly, Dont let pride get in way of saying sorry. Sounds like he wont lead the relationship so step up. DO WHAT IS COUNTER-INTUITIVE, apologize, shake him up by allowing yourself to let go of your pride and narcisism and apologize'I'm sorry I took my wedding ring off first, it was so immature, Im sorry...I did it because i was angry but now Im not anymore....can you forgive me?'"im sorry I moved out, but I had to figure out my feelings first baby. I want to see you again though, what do you think of us just trying to date each other again like how we use to? I want things to be the way it use to be...''Im really sad right now and alone. I want us to be happy again together, what do you want ?Say things that bring intimacy back into your marriage. Whisper his name, make love, connect. DATE. Stop being prideful, submit to your apology, allow yourself as a woman to go mushy and open up. Cry to yourself and allowing all these feelings to open up allow you to be emotionally honest. in that honesty you can gain strength. He needs to see you soften so that he can respond that way. If he remains hard..it cant go on long if he loves you. Men who love their women will want to protect her and he will have to respond somehow Take your pride out of this and let love inGood luck
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (18 July 2016):
 He's manipulating you again; he's basically saying "we'll see if you behave the way I want". Stop letting him control you.
Either do couples counselling, which he probably won't agree to, or leave and save your sanity, which is what you'll start to lose if you go back into his controlling arms.
Sorry, OP, but abuse is never okay and he won't change.
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