A
female
age
41-50,
*erinity
writes:I'm not sure what I should do here. I have been separated from my husband for approx. 45 days now due to his alcoholism and mental/physical abuse. I've still been trying to help him by letting him know that I have not given up on our marriage and I'm trying to encourage him to get the help that he needs. Some days he understands why I've left and thanks me for continuing to try and help him, but other than "words" I don't see much improvement. He's real nice and sweet when he gets his way, but as soon as things don't go the way he wants he blows up. Like last night for instance, he asked me to call him in the evening. I didn't realize the time until I cheked at 9:15pm, so I put the kids to bed and called him as I said I would. He went off saying that I don't respect his feelings and that he couldn't stop thinking that I was out somewhere messing around (I never even "go out") and I should have let him talk to "HIS" kids. He called me a bitch and hung up on me, then called right back to say he's sorry, but he is hurting so much because I've left him. Well, I still try and help him, I still let him see the kids, I still talk to him on the phone, I'm still comforting him I'm trying to HELP him, but I think maybe it's only hurting him more. Could that be possible? He says he needs me to come back to him so he's not hurting so bad and THEN he will be able to make permanant changes. I'm getting so frustrated trying to help him but I don't want to totally abandon him as he doesn't have many possitive influences in his life. I don't know what to do anymore. Should I stop trying to help him and force him to help himself?
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male
reader, childof1981 +, writes (16 October 2007):
 I think the first action you should take is to do some research on co-dependence, because there is probably a lot you can learn about yourself in the context of you husband.
To give you the cliff notes. You certainly want a person with alcoholism to get better, conversely you MUST NOT help them in ways where they do not suffer the consequences of their addiction. It would be detrimental to your husband and yourself if you got back together before he turned his life around. That would inevitably start the cycle of co-dependence again and cause more damage.
Not sure if the link below is kosher, but it's a great
video on co-dependence/alcoholism. (Worst case sign up for a free trial,watch it online, and then cancel.)
http://www.netflix.com/Movie/Codependency_Overcome_Codependence_and_Develop_Healthy_Relationships/70060305
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): I think sometimes one of the hardest things to do when you love someone or care deeply about them, is to let go.
I can totally relate to how you are trying to do the right thing, not make it worse or allow him to continue to drift along without seriously dealing with his issues and addictions. He needs help from a professional, not his partner in life who is being effected by his actions.
You care about him and want him to get in a better place so perhaps, he may be able to rejoin the family and start to build a new marriage and life. This is why your not the right person for the job.
I would suggest telling him that you want things to improve, you want him to seek help and guidance from someone who can make a difference to his and your life for the better. Tell him you need him to do this for you and the kids. Tell him that if he wants things to get back on track this is something he needs time to sort out and journey, at this stage, alone.
Ask him if he is prepared to do that for you and the kids?
Tell him you need a husband and father who you and the kids can rely on and in order for him to be that person he needs to get back on track and deal with some of his problems.
Tell him that your excited at the though that this could be the beginning of a new life for you all, once he starts the process and tell him you need him to do this for you!
It sounds as though he is dependent on you emotionally, which is exhausting on you.
As I said earlier, one of the hardest things to do is sometimes to step back and let them realise that they need help. Don't give up on the support, but say you need him to get real.
His excuse to come back and then he'll work on things is not an option in my view. It's just a way to avoid the issues and re-join his comfort zone again
Stay strong and all the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): I know how hard this is because i saw my mom and dad go through it...let me say its hard on the kids as well even if they dont show it now..they will have to deal with it later emotionally. Change comes from within. It sounds like he is dependent on you emotionally. Without you he freaks out and cant function. That doesnt mean you need to nurture him. This is a problem he needs to work out on his own, from his own motivation and from his own self respect. Its doubtful he will be able to easily...my dad still hasnt even after 5 years of being divorced. Some men just cant be emotionally dependent. They may appear strong on the outside, but are needy and insecure in the relationship. counseling is what he needs, and he needs to look at his own core value system and improve his independence, confidence, and self-esteem. If he was happy with himself, he wouldnt NEED you, and would therefore be able to SHARE his happiness with you, instead of GET his happiness FROM you. Im the same way and i am working it out right now with myself...its really hard and my girlfriend cant help me...i have to do it alone.
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A
female
reader, CynthiaRenae +, writes (16 October 2007):
What your husband has is a disease. Alcoholism is scary and can be very difficult for one person to handle. When he yells at you then turns around and apologize, that's the alcohol. You need to be supportive, yes, but at the same time it will not get better until he realizes what's going on and helps himself. He probably needs to go to AA meetings. I have a few friends that this has helped tremendously! Good Luck! My prayers are with you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): the answer to the last question - yes, force him to help himself... show him that you are no longer going to hold his hand that has continuously hurt you many times - you deserve better than that
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