A
female
age
26-29,
*ae95
writes:I've only been in two serious relationships... One ended because my ex forced me to give him head a few times and told me he was using me for sex. The other guy was recent, he was my everything, but I go to college out of state and it ruined us. He is now with my softball teammate from high school after 11 months of dating. It has been 5 months since we split. I miss having that closeness with a guy. I know I need to wait for someone, but it's so hard because I need to be held when I'm down and everyone who has been in love knows that life is so much easier to handle with a significant other. I'm trying to find someone but I can't just find love, so Ive been trying the friends with benefits thing with a couple guys.. Should stop the fwb or if I should keep going with the flow. :/
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2015): You can do of course what you want , but as I understand you came here for advice, and my advice will be: FWB is a wrong flow to go with for girls.,Yes, there is a double standard. Women just don't get it. We will never be in a relationship with a woman who slept around. It's a fact of life and women can talk as much as they want about equality and their right to be treated like men when it comes to sex, but.....I have bad news for you. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!I don't kow why we men think like this, may be its nature speaks or may be society, but we will never think of dating someone who we just fuck on a regular basis without anything relationship. One man called it once this soft sounding expression as FWB, but in fact for us it's an easy way to get free hooker. I am guilty of having many FWB in a past, so did my friends, and all we think of these women as free lay and nothing else. I never could understand the women in this arrangement . What are they getting out of it. Most women that I slept with couldn't even orgazm as they couldn't relax with someone in this arrangement long enough to et this orgazm. Most guys wouldn't even work hard to give woman an orgazm. At least hookers get paid, I can see that as some reasoning, but FWB girls what are they getting out of it?As Lui C.Q once said: I would fuck anything , even an animal if I have an urge. Of course he is a comedian, but there is a truth in every joke. If you don't mind being in this position what described above, then sure, go with a flow, but my advise to you as one human being to another, stop it.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 March 2015):
 I have not encountered any FWB guys who hold such contempt with women. I would view these guys as trash also. Who wants to have sex with anyone who hates us so much, Eww? I don't doubt that there are men who have hatred against women because they can't live with them but they also can't live without them. While some think like that, some still respect women all the same, casual or not.
If you feel it's hard to find love, it's your age. Most guys your age are still exploring boyhood. Playing recreational games and doing things that assert their manhood. In your parents' generation they are marrying highschool sweethearts, working while saving to buy a house. Nowadays one third of men in their 30's are still living with parents. It will be a minority for a guy on campus who genuinely wants to protect you and be your hero. Maybe a much older guy but you are going to suspect that he's loving you only for your youth.
What I do prefer is that if I am ready for a serious relationship, there is enough time to cool down from the previous one, like a period of 6 months or more. So there is no residue of feelings from exes. Most guys, even guys who love and appreciate women, have a hard time accepting that you were seeing others right before you met him. They want you to start with a clean slate and be with them for pure reasons, not because you are lonely or you are trying to move on from the past relationship.
Human touch is important. It nourishes our soul. How many of us at 18 still feel comfortable hugging our parents? Maybe you should talk with your mom and tell her you miss her. I think most of us are very love deprived that we turn to the outside world then feel lost, trying to compensate what we miss out on at home.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2015): The OP is not asking if she has the right to have casual sex. She is looking for advice about her love life and inability to find a real boyfriend.
The fact that she has the RIGHT to have casual sex is completely beside the point. Guys also have the RIGHT to feel that it's an unattractive habit. That will include a whole lot of good likable young guys looking for a relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2015): Dear OP, your question has bought out many of the regular hot potatoes, but its a good question. The label FWB can be applied to different situations.Sex with a real friend is usually great (as long as you aren't drunk out of your mind) but I think it will inevitably change the friendship. Finding a casual stranger to have sex with, whilst not difficult for a woman, probably won't fulfil your desire for friendship.And, despite the risk of being accused of hypocrisy and double standards (which I totally don't accept) there is a potential impact on you future relationships. I, like many men, almost certainly, most men, spent a lot of time sitting and waiting to meet the right girl. We didn't go out looking for casual sex, or buy it. It's not the "value" thing that many harp on about, it's more an imposed lifestyle choice. For a partner we more often seek people with similarities to ourselves rather than differences. Our sexual behaviour is one of those things that we identify as a personal characteristic that matches, or differentiates us. We may argue about whether it should, but the fact is that it does for most people. I can only assume it is the media that give the image of all men being sex crazed jocks, but the reality is far far from that, I think its true to day that most women don't want a guy like that, and similarly most men aren't attracted to the female equivalent.Without sounding too boring, I really recommend buying a vibrator, joining some clubs, take up an instrument, read books, travel etc, and make yourself the person that you think the person you are looking for will want to meet.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 March 2015):
 I agree with Cindy... your closet is full of handbag and your shoes are falling apart.
YOU want/need new shoes (aka relationship) so OF COURSE a new handbag (FWB) won't help.
And to all the anon men telling you that you VALUE as a future wife drops if you have casual sex, sorry but I say SCREW that! IF a guy has a problem with your sexual past, HE isn't for you. JUST like if you have a problem with a guy's sexual past.. HE isn't for you.
And as Cindy pointed out, for SOME, casual sex has it's place. It's NOT for everyone and it's RARELY about LOVE. It's about instant gratification. NOT filling a void (which is what you are trying to do.)
Be single a while. ENJOY what that brings you. DO things you enjoy. See people you CARE about (friend/family) Let the NEED for LOVE on the back burner.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 March 2015):
 Is it getting better, or
do you feel the same ?
Will it make it easier on you now ?....
as the the U2 would say.
It sounds like you feel the same and FWB won't work too well for you. So might as well stip trying to MAKE yourself like them.
Maybe you are just not the type who's cut out for casual sex, I think not everybody is. Or, more probably, they don't work because yours are coming from a place of loneliness , need and feeling deprived- not from a fullnessof life, of erotic energies. No wonder then, OMO.
On other words, you are comfort- fucking ; sex as Linus' blanket. Mmmhh. It may work in the here and now, for a couple of ours or a couple of days , but then genereally it reinforces the void of love and emotin which is born from ( in cases like yours ) and makes you feel disempowered.
I think FWBS and casual sex may work when they come from the opposite place, a very pagan, dyonisiac celebration of exuberant, carefree life FORCE ,- when you brim with erotic energies that for whatever reasons you do not choose to restrain within the limits of a relationship. In less elegant words: when you REALLY do not give a f..k and really just want to have fun. Even so, when they feel this way, ... some women will just dance. Or create art. Or sweat it out at the gym real bad. Or, ... pick up some guy and jump his bones. If it comes from a place of joy , it may work very well. If not, it's not such a great idea maybe, as you have started suspecting.
Then again, no wonder . You say explicitely that you miss LOVE and you need LOVE , - and it may be true that life 's problems are easier to deal with if someone holds you in his arms. The problems is, it has to be someone who holds you because he CARES about you and your problems, not because he has a boner he needs to take care of.
If you need love, and go for FWB, it's as if you needed new shoes badly, and you stubbornly kept shopping for handbags. Handbags can be great, yet they would not fulfill your current needs.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (12 March 2015):
 Being a F#ck buddy for someone will not make your future better with guys , it will lead to guilt and limit the "quality guys' you could have a life time relationship with.
what will happen on down the road when you meet mister wright and he ask about your past relationships? will you lie to him? if you do that you are building a relationship on mistrust.
guilt is a heavy thing to carry.
just think about it.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (12 March 2015):
 I won't hold promiscuity against men, because I respect the fact that they are adults capable and allowed to make their own decisions about what they do with their body. I accept a man's sexual past and require he accepts mine, or how can you love and respect each other.
Think about what you are saying. You are not thinking, you are just regurgitating what you have been led to believe is ok to think. It's not ok, it is an unfair double standard against women.
So what if we may develop feelings more easily than men after sex. It is still our choice whether we act on our feelings, and whether we choose to have sex, they are our feelings, not yours. When did I say we resent men for not feeling the same way? I am an adult. I know a man's feelings and choices are his business and mine our mine. They have nothing to do with the choice to partake in sex for the pleasure alone.
You are basically saying women need to sit and wait for a man to ask them to marry her before she has any fun, while it's ok for men to sleep with anyone until they decide they are ready to settle down, and then only a virgin will do. And that is ok, how?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2015): @ BettyBoop:
I gave the OP some realistic practical advice.
If women don't like the double standard, they can always start holding promiscuity against men. Presto! No more double standard!
But women don't do that. Because its not the double standard that really bothers them. What they resent is men not feeling the same way they do. There is a gender difference so that means men are wrong.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): It is mind boggling how many women come up here thinking how FWB will somehow enhance their wellbeing. I mean, it's your own body, but as a guy who had friends who just did FWB only, I know first hand from them how they refer to such women and what they think about them. Not one will want anything further to do with her other then extract an orgasm for himself and none of them consider such girls as of any relationship value. In other words, FWB girls implies marriage trash. So maybe you may get something out of it but be sure to understand that vast majority of guys hold contempt for these girls even though they will smile, hug and kiss. And this can drag on for years as such girls get strung along. Some of the guys even have several girls and few had no clue which one gave him STD or had to deal with it with another. Could you get lucky and get a guy to fall for you? Maybe but chances are slim. I'm just explaining the reality of this from the male world and actually trying to be polite about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): I am tired of the double standard.
So women cannot enjoy sex as much as men? Thy are not allowed to engage in casual sex or it will RUIN their reputation?
So it is okay for a guy to go out and bang all kinds of women as a FWB and it will not harm his reputation or future potential as a long term relationship kind of a guy or husband but it WILL ruin a woman's???
Women have needs too. They have a sex drive too. Not all want a commitment. Why can't they go out and get it - just like men do - without being judged?
Funny how it is acceptable for men to have a history and it not affect their husband rating but women, on the other hand, let's burn them at the stake! They are damaged goods!
That is ridiculous!
Again, it's ok for MEN? NOT WOMEN?
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (11 March 2015):
I'm just wondering what would happen if we turned anonymous's statement around and said:
"Most girls like promiscuous guys when they want to be promiscuous, not when they want a boyfriend. A casual sex reputation will hurt your appeal among girls looking for anything committed. And that problem will not go away if you stop sleeping around later. It's unattractive that you were EVER willing to do it."
How do guys feel about this? Would women say this? Usually no, because we are supposed to accept a guy whatever his sexual history. Absolute double standard right there.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (11 March 2015):
Sorry I just have to interject with anonymous saying...
"A casual sex reputation will hurt your appeal among guys looking for anything committed. And that problem will not go away if you stop sleeping around later. It's unattractive that you were EVER willing to do it."
This is a double standard designed to shame women for acting on their sexual feelings while men can act on theirs with these "promiscuous" women, and feel no shame. Don't buy into this. If a guy is worth sharing your life with, he will accept and love you regardless of whether you once had no strings sex. If he says otherwise, he's not worth your love. It's not right to consider a woman "unattractive" for sleeping with who she wants, when men do that too. F**k that! Sorry, but that really pisses me off.
However, that is not to say that it is a good thing to sleep with people who you are not in a loving relationship with. Not for the sake of your reputation with judgemental guys, but for the sake of YOUR own emotional health. you need to put that first and do what will make you happy in the long run. No strings fun can often be fun at the time, but feel not so great afterwards. So have a think about what you want and decide. The benefits of sexual experience is just that, experience, pleasure, memories etc etc. But there is a pay off, for me anyway. But some women find they can have no strings fun and feel fine afterwards. Its whatever works for you. But don't be shamed into being a "good girl". Do what's right for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 March 2015):
An FWB in NOT going to make you feel better about yourself. Nor is it going to make it easier for you to FIND someone you WANT to actually be with.
I get the whole "I want to be held and adored" but I think it's rarely a great idea, as the GUY you do the FWB doesn't really GIVE A FLY'S FART about you and your NEEDS, he is IN IT for the sex. So... in it to USE your BODY.
Being single a while IS not going to kill you. It is actually a GOOD time for you to look back and figure out what you WANT and NOT WANT in a guy.
To me an FWB is like the people who eat because they feel lonely, sad, mad, depressed, bored..... NOT because they are hungry. It's not really all that healthy and it's RARELY about friendships these days. The "original" FWB were two people who WERE already friend having SEX with each other because they were horny. These days? It's more like a F-buddy as you AREN'T really friends. KNOW the difference.
But DO what FEEL right for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): Politically correct advice:
Go do what you want. Have some harmless fun. Just don't expect a FWB to turn into a relationship.
Realistic useful advice:
Most guys like promiscuous girls when they want to be promiscuous, not when they want a girlfriend. A casual sex reputation will hurt your appeal among guys looking for anything committed. And that problem will not go away if you stop sleeping around later. It's unattractive that you were EVER willing to do it.
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