A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there!I have a strange situation with my boyfriend of almost three years and I really need some advice as it's beginning to take over my thoughts!He has recently joined a touring band and we moved to the city the band lives in to be closer for practices/ touring/ recording etc. We moved 300 miles away from friends, family, jobs, our little house and seemingly our perfect relationship.SInce the move his ego has shot through the roof! He acts like a completely different person 90% of the time. Last night I compared his personality to being like a tennis ball being thrown at the wall- the ball consistently goes back to the same place but hits the wall in about 9 different places. He changes.He is giving me classic 'its over' signs but then throws a curve ball by being sweet and romantic. I told him that he wasn't being affectionate anymore and he told me I just have to ask for it as he is just not that kind of guy which is bullshit because he was before we moved here.He doesn't seem to want sex anymore. I initialise most of it. There aren't as many compliments about me as there used to be. He used to not be able to keep his hands off me but now just gets in to bed, gives me a kiss and rolls over! He tells me he fancies me as if it's a fact. There is no sexual energy behind it. The other day after sex he said that it was good because it 'felt like the first time with someone. Like we didn't know each other.' What. The. ...?!He constantly picks at my appearance. He calls me ball head. Tells me how big my teeth are. Mentions the fact that my bum is quite big in proportion to me size. In addition- the flirting! It's not new but it's more intense than before. He seems to be actively cultivating female relationships. I asked him to treat me with more respect and realise that it's inappropriate but he told me i was with the wrong guy if I wanted that. However when i told him that me and his fellow band member discussed this exact thing and he thinks it's a relationship killer, inadvisable and definitely not normal because he's blurring the lines he listened to me! Last night he told me that he was telling me intimate details of what he likes in a woman (boobs in bras are more arousing apparently) FYI. Because he wants us to be able to talk more like friends because he's concerned about being boring and getting old.Now! I realise that these are all signs that he isn't interested anymore. BUT! I sent a message to my sister stating some things and made a joke comment about 'shopping around for men'. He read my messages (pretty common) found it and rightfully got annoyed. The perfect 'out' for the man who seems to want something else. Nope. He told me it'd be ridiculous to break up over a text message. When I asked him if he was sure he even wanted to be in a relationship with he looked incredulous and replied 'of course! I love you!'Seriously. What is going on here? I'm lost.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (7 March 2014):
 Time goes by.... "things" change.....
"Sounds" to me as if this relationship... which was so good for you, in the past, at that different location... and with a more-humble man.... has morphed to become other than tolerable for you.... and you need to sit down - with YOURSELF - and decide if you want to continue in it....
In fairness to him.... you should mention to your boyfriend that the accumulated changes ... to location and his status.... would be stressful enough, BY THEMSELVES... but that, his behaviour has made them (the OTHER changes) untenable for you. Ask him if he wants to continue in a relationship with you.... and/but, IF SO, then it is incumbent upon HIM to accomodate YOU.... at least as much so as YOU have done on HIS behalf....
Relationships are best if they are "balanced."
Good luck....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2014): Honeypie made some very interesting points.
He has to get used to admiration and a lot of female-attention from fans. Regardless of whether his band-mates have girlfriends or not; he does.
He has to keep that in his head at all times. There is no excuse for mistreatment and degrading a person you claim to love.
YOU also have to evolve, and get used to him getting attention. Women will throw themselves at him and this will go to his head. You will have to be strong, independent,
and have the strength to keep him inline.
Find your own niche. He can't always be the center of your universe. Get your own job and friends.
If you can't, go home and stay.
Stick around, only if you feel you are cut-out for all this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2014): Hi hunnie :-) I'm 23 and have been with my boyfriend for four years, and I have to say that if my boyfriend changed like this, it would have to be temporary otherwise I would be gone. I understand that after being together for so long, you would have felt like you knew everything about him, and nobody wants to break up after so long.However, remember that you've gave up a huge part of your life to invest in his, and this is how he repays you. IMO flirting is disrespectful and making comments about sex imply he was hinting at wanting sex with someone else ... I mean who says that?! A man who cares about his woman's feelings wouldn't say that. Everything seems so messed up here, like I don't even know where to begin. You mentionned how he said he wants you both to talk more like friends? Friends don't move 300 miles away from their hometown just to dedicate and invest their life to someone else. You're a brilliant and brave girlfriend for doing this, but I think you would be crazy to stay with him unless he changes. Put this into perspective : if you just met this man and he treat you like this, would you consider a long term relationship? And can you see yourself spending the rest of your life like this if he refuses to change?he seems to be revealing his true colours now.... and he might have said he loves you and wants to be with you, but remember that actions speak louder than words. Be strong and tell him the changes you've noticed, and say there's no way on earth you're going to spend the rest of your life with 'that guy' - so he better change or he's going to lose you. Remember what you're worth, he's treating you terribly and you deserve better :-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2014): Your boyfriend is having ego problems. He is full of himself and getting too impressed with being in a band. He is feeling and acting like a celebrity, and he doesn't have all the cash and fame to back it up. He's being a total meat-head.
He looks around and nothing seems to be up to his standards.
Your boobs, your butt; you're too this, or you're too that.
His list is growing. He has an inflated head, and he's on an ego-trip. Even his band-members are noticing. This is going to carry-over badly. Groups and relationships breakup over such behavior. Your man is getting too big for his knickers!
When a guy's ego is too inflated; I'm sorry to say, it takes a tragedy to bring him down. He is feeding his ego day by day. Simply talking to him has no effect. He has to lose something; or he has to be hit hard emotionally to get his attention. He is blatantly flirting in-front of you, and putting you down. His hot-shot behavior is becoming the center of your relationship. You seem to be in his shadow when you used to be his light.
This is the point where you make a tough decision. You want to stick it out; because hearing someone say "I love you" will paralyze and confuse you. Logical-thinking then becomes difficult. You don't want to make the wrong move.
Well, look where you are. You've got to do something drastic, all efforts have failed up to this time.
You've stuck it out through thick and thin for three years. You know the man he really is, and how to deal with that man. The man he is now, is a stranger to you. It is difficult to deal with this new person he has become. That is a bad sign. You're losing connection. He is too into himself; and less into you.
Go home. Stay with your sister and make a decision. Don't let the fear he'll take on other women hold you back. If he cares for you, that shouldn't be a threat to your relationship. If it is, then it's already too late.
You've devoted yourself for three years. You were just fine during all that time. Now your imperfections have become a place he goes to irritate and demean you. His affection is erratic, and sex is becoming rare. These are signs of a disintegrating relationship. You're the only one working to save it. He put it all on your shoulders; while he has become his own greatest fan. He is beginning to feel he has outgrown you.
Go home and gain some perspective on all of this; and decide whether you should put up with it any longer.
If no matter what you say or do, things just continue getting worse; you are fighting a losing battle. It's becoming a struggle to maintain your relationship. He's doing nothing to help.
Get some love and advice from the home-front. Surround yourself with love from your family; and decide if you are ready to let go. Maybe he only needs to feel what it's like to not have you around. You seem to be getting in his way,
and this is perhaps the message he is trying to send you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 March 2014):
 Are a lot of his band mates single?
Is he older the the rest of the band?
My guess is he is trying on new personas in case he gets famous.
He wants the "security" and "stability" of a GF (you) but I think he likes the idea of being ADORED and WANTED by LOADS of women.
Him criticizing you, I would put my foot down IMMEDIATELY when he does it. Tell him he isn't perfect either. The putting you down is an attempt to make you feel insecure and to give him the upper hand.
The question is not WHAT does he want, but WHAT do YOU want?
If you WANT to be with him, you need to sit him and and tell him how these changes in him are affecting YOU and how you feel about him. It doesn't mean he will change back to the guy he used to be. Honestly I think he has a case of "swollen head". The potential for "stardom" is going to his head.
Do you work? Have you found friend in this new place yet? If not, I would focus on that a bit too. Right now your world seem to revolve around him.
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