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*ubiansouljer
writes:I was in a two year relationship with Jeanie, who had a 3 yr old daughter,Joan. Our relationship ended. I maintained a relationship with the little girl Joan and with her family. Later, although not together as a couple Jeanie and I had a child James, there is also another child of mine Derrick2. Jeanie and I are still not together as a couple or family. The little girl Joan and I have a good daddy daughter relationship and she calls me daddy. New girl friend, NW, we have known each other for 20 years, then (20yrs ago) we were engaged and lost a child. Nelli has four children they call me uncle DJ because I knew the family when Nelli was married. The biggest problem that Nelli has is that she says that she can not understand why I want to have a relationship with Joan. She also worries that I will not be able to be there for her kids if needed because I will be too busy running around with Joan, not any of the others just Joan. ON several occasions she has asked me to do something for or with her children and I was there, no problem. She (NW) wants me to have nothing to do with the little girl.(1) NW says that because I have not told the little girl Joan that I am not her real dad that I am lying to her an our relationship (Joan and me)is a lye.(2)NW wants us to see each other but Joan can not spend the night at her house. My other children can.(3)NW does not want Joan to call me daddy.(4) Since I rebel at not seeing the Joan, Nelli only wants me to see Joan every other weekend when I pick up my other children, she does not want any extra curricular activities or visitation.There is no relationship with me and the mother of the children. We are all trying to be parents. There was some words between Nelli and Jenie but that was not really settled . No apologies were made and I know there is some animosity on Nelli's part. It is justified. I also know that Jenie wanted to be a couple with me, I did not and do not want that. All I want is to have a relationship with Joan and to have that relationship to be as easy and natural as any parent and child, for Nelli and I, to blend our families and be a family. I had a talk with Joan's mom (Jenie), grand mom and grand dad, as adults we all agreed that I could stay a stable part of Joan's life, regardless of what Jenie does or who she marries in the future. I agree that Jenie and I should talk to the little girl about who her real dad is (he is not in the picture at all). I feel that at 5 yrs it is a little too young and that her calling me daddy is not a bad thing. Futher, at this point in time almost 3 years in she (Joan) can not grasp calling me anything else and I am not comfortable with much else, no first names, also I can not go from daddy to uncle...I love Nelli with my entire being and at one point was able to see a life for together as a blended family. You can imagine I have left a lot out, my feelings are changing because of all the fighting about Joan. The only thing we have ever fought about in a year of what could have been bliss together. We are currantly not seeing each other again, we have broken up several times over this, ans I feel that this time it is permenante. Nelli has never treated Joan or James or Derrick2 badly but you can feel the tension when she is with Joan, and I am loosing my trust for Nelli to be objective when it comes to Joan. Do you think we can work it out and marry, should I stay away for good. Can someone explain better than me the reason people have relationships of this kind. I think that Nelli needs that to make her a better person.The question is this should I stay with the love of my life and stop the relationship with the little girl even though I am the father and daddy to her brother (James) I mean I participate in everything with that child family events and all just like I do with the other child DJ2, or should I tell NW to grow up at 45 realize that she is throwing away the love of her life over a title(daddy) and a 5 yr old child that I love, that as a father and a man and an adult that I should be able to do the things that a dad does with all of the children hers as well as mine and even one that is not mine.Guidance please, be hard on us both, please, we need it!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): That question I asked Derrick was if he could see me and his child the way that we could until we could do better and with us both having our own homes that was sparate. I wanted the love of my life to make the relationship with the child as honest and as real as it could be, and the structered scheduled was only temporary until the mom got her act together due to the horrible way she acted when we started dating. I did not want to break things off, i wanted to continue to see each other and him continue to see his child until things were straighten out. It is horrible to judge a matter based off half of the facts. I love him and my feeling have not changed because of the things that he has done in regards to this matter including posing this question. NW
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (16 September 2010):
 nubiansouljer I hope you make the right decision and don't give up this child because a child's love is priceless, and you will be missing out. If this other women was truly a nice women she would have never treated your daughter as an intruder. Her behavior now should be a red flag on how she might be in the future and try to take total control of you and keep her to herself and to her children, leaving your biological children out in the cold. Make a stand now and don't give in, because if you do she is going to find you weak and will walk all over you.
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A
male
reader, nubiansouljer +, writes (16 September 2010):
nubiansouljer is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you ladies for your input, it is surprising to me to see the strong emotion that you both share about my situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): I think nothing your girlfriend can say should make you destroy a long established relationship with someone whom you consider your child. I'm sorry to get so pushed out of shape here but your current partner is really screwed up in the head! She's acting like a cold hearted bitch if you want my opinion. The main reason she's requesting you to drop this child (who loves you as her FATHER) is out of jealousy or another equally pathetic emotion, certainly NOT OUT OF CONCERN FOR YOU OR JOAN! I think if she can't be reasonable about this (as in, shutting the hell up & welcoming Joan into the life you two share with open arms) then I would strongly suggest DO NOT MARRY HER! If she can't respest the fact that you've chose to fill the role of father in this kids life then it can't possible be true love for you in her. Because if she loved you then she will try her hardest to love who you love despite her feelings towards Joans mom or her own insecurity or expectations of how you should or shouldn't feel about someone else. I honestly can't believe someone would even feel that way, let alone say it outloud. My boyfriend has biological children but he also has a child whom he didn't help create but he's her Dad none the less. He's been in her life for a little over 5 years and I seriously dislike her mother but I would NEVER ever think of trying to get in between them. They've long established thier relationship that even the end of the marriage to the mother wasn't enough to end it. The bond they have may be similar to yours with Joan, and it's no differnt than the one any kid has with thier own father. SO who am I to just show up & try to end it, like your woman is trying to do in your situation. If she can't imagine why you would feel this way about your kid, that's because her heart isn't very big. And it's likely cold also. (just my opinion) It's not even big enough for one more child to fit in? That's lame! If I had the chance I would tell her who the real problem is- HER! She's either really immature or just a c*nt for even thinking of breaking your bond with your daughter for ANY REASON!. Don't let her determind who you consider family, all because she's jealous! Good luck to you man.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (15 September 2010):
You love this little girl as your own, so why would you let anyone dictate to you on what you should feel.
This is little girl is a child and loves you as a father are you going to be that cruel and let this women come between you and your daughter, yes I said daughter because a father is not the one who donated his sperm but the one who donates his time and love.
This women is worry about the time you are going to invest in her children, what makes you so sure that in a few years you will be able to see your own biological kids. I think she is selfish thinking in her own interest, and I think you should stand up be a man and protect your children.
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