A
female
age
41-50,
*arra
writes:I'm in a bit of a bother here.I'm 26 turning 27 in 6 days and for the past 2 years I have been in love with Ed. Married.We got caught out in August 2008 after 2 months of sneaking around and she has gone mental on him. Calling the police, saying that he's raped her (she took it all back but it's still in the records) - threatening to kill herself, then depression, then trying to beat him up and so on..I have my own place and I asked him to move in with me. He did for a while - told her he was traveling but staying with me. And then when a few weeks were up, going back home to try and confort her not to do anything silly.I am a very understanding person. And patient. and I know what I want - I want a kid, a family and a good man besides me. Which I thought was him.He told me he could not have children, that he tried and the current wife pulled back before the final go saying that she won't have his children, what if they're monsters and such.. I have no issues with that. I really really want kids and IVF does not scare me so .. I stuck around when I should have booted him.I don't think I'm making any sense (my first time typing this down). Well, 6 months after we've been found, he was still living with her and getting abuse until he decided to move out. I stayed with him a while but when I was gone, she would come screeching in the car, shouting and beating at the door and threathening to call the cops (for him leaving her - like it's a federal offence).He's really peaceful and his expression was "mental case" when speaking about her. After 6 months staying there, he moved to another location where he was found once again.. and the trauma began when she found my clothes in the house.Let's just say that she still thinks that they have a chance together and that he will go back to her. He says not. I don't think anyone likes to be poked and yelled at at 3 am...He loves me, I can tell, but he's also terrified that she will leave him with nothing of all he's worked for in the last 10 years (that's how long they've been together).I don't think of myself as a housebreaker. I did not innitiate the affair.. I kinda took it on board. Either everything or nothing .. Oh yea - he's my boss and she is his financial director.He is working with her and I am working with him.Nobody at work knew anything until a week ago when she sent this sappy email (2 years after they've been apart) that he is leaving her for me, that she can't smile and be cheerful.. We haven't told a soul in the company to avoid gossip and she did that for an attention grabbing piece...I felt really dishearted. I'm an honest girl (I only had a bf before him) and I don't want to be depicted as a white trash, whore who came between him and her in her marriage. It hurts. I have been so patient now. The papers are flying between parts but it's been two years.. I'll be 27 soon and .. well.. we haven't even been to a doctor together to see if we can make a baby.. I don't care about whether he's divorced or not. I want a child from him. A blonde, blue eyed, hi-IQ child which I can love. But all my best friends are now pregnant or with babies and .. I feel like I'm left behind on all of this.He even told me at one point that he's not sure that he wants to make any other babies now.I told him at that that I'll sadly leave him and now he's reconsidering. He called a doctor after my pestering and there is an appointment booked on the 30th. Problem is that he thinks it's expensive - about £800.. I'm willing to pay for it but he said that maybe me not being legally bound to him may be an inconvenient and we should wait for the divorce to be finished.I'm currently living with him and working from home and he is going to work (where she is) and there have been no more tantrums or shi**ty sms and emails. It looks calm but I'm expecting the worst.Oh - what really bugs me. My bf went abroad with business on Monday last week. He phoned up Tuesday night to tell him that the "current" took a flight for wednesday in the same country to be with him.They went out to eat and went partying with the team there which still think that they are married.I saw some of the pictures where she is really pissed and he is carrying her to the bathroom and also a few where his hand is on her hip and she is pulling him closer. It looks like they are still a lot together.Is this an act to keep people there gossiping or are they still doing something? I know he's not doing her (I can tell when he's hiding something from me) - but the fact that he is not talking about the divorce, that he is not hurrying things up after all this time.. makes me think that I'll be in this status quo for a while to come.. and I will grow old, and my time for babies will go, and he will grow old, and he will no longer want to make any.And we'll stay together like this.. waiting..I am seriously reviewing my life right now. Should I part paths or keep on going on the one I laid for myself even though it looks like it has no finite end?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, carra +, writes (29 October 2010):
carra is verified as being by the original poster of the question I don't pretend I am innocent in this whole affair. I fell in love and it messed up one person's life. The problem is - if he was really happy - would he still look around? My point of wonder is the following: If I knew that my hb cheated on me, I would dump his sorry ass and move on... no?she hasn't moved on.. at all. She hates him with a passion but still sends him lovey dovey messages. And then essays of hate.Can't she let him be happy and finalise the divorce procedures? It's been 2 years of waiting and nothing has come of this. I gave him a deadline once. I said I'll wait 6 months until he sets his life in order and gets his act together and they have passed in June.I have been really busy so I looked at the relationship then and saw no change so I said to myself - end of the year or nothing.Now he's talking about Christmas together and doing stuff. I've met his family last Christmas and all except his mom took me in like I was family. They are sick and tired of the "current" who keeps calling and complaining and they said to me that they never seen Ed so happy in the last 5 years as he is currently with me.Now, I think I might be overreacting. We are matched in many ways, and yes, I am special :) I have a shit hot personality. :)) I don't look as good as the current (a bit chubbier), I have burnt most of my foods, I like to iron but the shirts have two lines .. In short, I'm a mess of a possible wife. He still loves me like this and I appreciate it.I don't want a kid to tie him down. I want a kid from him. It's a difference. After I have his genes, I might still decide to leave and raise my kid alone.It's my clock ticking saying that I need to have one now before I'm too old. And waiting for him to finish his business might just get me there.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): You depict his wife as the bitch.honey bunch u would have also creamed, shouted, raged when u found out your hb was boning the hired help. There is a saying don't shit where u eat. You are Fing a married man who happens to be your boss. He in turn is married to his boss.
He still seems vey married to me. So perhaps u need to critically look at your life. If he can F around with u what is stopping him from cheating on u? Why do u think u are special.
Remember this: for as long as they are still married, you are just the homewrecker who did not give a damn that u were taking someones hb. So yes there have been major fights bet them. So what? Married people do this.
You want a baby with this woman's hb? You blame her for not wanting to have the IVF treatment. What the hell must she do: have a baby with a baby with a cheating hb while he is running round with you??
You hid your affair from all bec u know it was wrong. You both lied and destroyed his wife so u both are not innocent.
While u are re evaluating your affair perhaps open your eyes and be realistic:he is after all still married, you are now making additional demands on him. You are forcing him to have a kid with you.
Your controlling nature and your demands are throwing him off. Mistresses are only supposed to lie flat on their backs and produce the goods you are acting like his wife but he already has one and he doesn't want to divorce her.
You are shit scared your boss is having the best of both worlds therefore u want a baby to use to keep him. Don't be a fool. A baby will only keep him for so long then he is out.
Think about it: let his wife be. She is not your enemy. You took her hb so have some bloody compassion for her.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): Give him a date, 3 months or so from now. Make him choose. It sounds like he'll string this on for years. If he loves you he'll leave. If losing his possessions is more important to him than you, your relationship should be worth more than that to him. If he loves his wife and his things more, he'll stay with her, but at least you'll know the truth.
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