A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. I've been with my bf for almost 3yrs. He has as few problems with anxiety and depression. He has even been on anti depressants for 3months. Anyway whenever he drinks even a little these feelings he has amplifies and the smallest thing can set him off to the point where he will fight, run away and even try to kill himself. This behaviour has been displayed on a number of occasions. Like yesterday he was drinking with the boys I picked him up and I said something bout how drunk he is then he tried to grab the steering wheel and crash the car then he jumped out. I didn't hear from him until his best mate called me and said he drove to the beach to find a cliff to jump off and his mate had to talk him out of it! I was so worried and this isn't the first time this has happened. He calls me the next day and says he's sorry and he will get help. Then a few months later the same thing happens. I don't know what to do. Im 21yrs old and I don't know whether its worth staying with someone like that. I love him to death but I can't cope. Has anyone been in a situation like this?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (27 January 2012):
 And to add to my answer, I want you to tell his parents about the drinking, the attempt to crash your car by grabbing the steering wheel and the suicidal comments. This man needs to be under close medical supervision and if these suicidal thoughts are new, the medication may be the problem.
Just be sure his family and doctor are aware of his current condition and then step back and give him time and space to get well.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 January 2012):
 At a younger age, I was not equipped to deal with a partner who was a depressive with an alcohol issue. I do not think that you are either. I do not think it’s in your best interest to continue this relationship. Yes his meds need to be changed and adjusted and he needs to stop drinking.. none of these things are things YOU can fix for him however.
I am sure you love him and want to help him and feel like a terrible person for even thinking about bailing out….BUT I think Tisha is totally correct At your age and the severity of the situation I’d strongly consider distancing myself from the relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): Thank you for your answers. I don't have much experience with mental illness and i guess in a way it's making me feel like i always have to worry about him, make sure he sees a doctor etc I don't want to have to try and protect him, thats a mans job you know. The thing is it's been almost 3yrs and I want to decide whether or not I could marry someone with those issues because mental illness doesnt go away over night.
He is such a wonderful person, I just wish that par of him didn't exist :(
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (27 January 2012):
I agree with Tisha-1, it's not your job to fix him. I made this mistake right out of college, and it took 15 years before she got so mentally ill that she started imagining a ton of wild things, including that I was having an affair (nothing was father from the truth), she filed for divorce, and that gave me the wake up call that I needed to go though with ending the marriage. So from 25 to 40... gone... and hundreds of thousands of dollars, tens of thousands of dollars in debt and a $65,000 divorce (it take a long time to divorce someone who's not mentally competent and makes all kinds of wild ass claims)... 10 years later life is good, but is this what you really want?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): One of the commenters wrote: "We don't leave a parent or a sibling when they are ill, why should the rules be different for a lover?"That's an interesting point. However I have to respectfully disagree. I believe there is a huge difference between a relationship with a parent/sibling and a lover, and what it means to "leave" each of those kinds of a relationship. There is much more at stake in an intimate relationship, therefore I feel that the rules should be different.if you're in an intimate relationship then your closest adult relationship is with your intimate partner. Not your parent or sibling. Intimate relationships have fewer boundaries between the two people involved than that between parent-child and sibling relationships. That means that your intimate partner's behavior has far more potential to harm you , and to harm you more severely, than if the exact same behavior was done by your parents or siblings, by virtue of the fact that intimate relationships are structured to leave you with less boundaries "against" that person to begin with. that's why these kinds of intimate relationship are often described as being "enmeshed." It's easier to protect yourself against a dysfunctional parent or sibling, than a dysfunctional intimate partner.therefore I feel that a parent, child or sibling of this troubled young man, while certainly also feeling highly distraught at his behavior, probably isn't HARMED as severely by him personally as the girlfriend. Thus it's in a way easier to stand by him as a parent or sibling than as a gf, because there is less risk of getting harmed by him or as deeply. Another thing is the concept of what it means to 'leave' a relationship. You can have a highly dysfunctional parent or sibling and still have other similar types of relationships with other people that compensate for the dysfunctional one. For example you may have other parental figures in your life who are more supportive, such as your other parent, other older family members, or mentors. You may have other siblings and probably do have other sibling-like peer relationships like friends. The dysfunctional relationship would not be your ONLY one of its type.But an intimate relationship is supposed to be entirely exclusive and unique. You're not supposed to have more than one bf or gf at a time. And this person is supposed to be your closest relationship. so if it's your intimate partner, of all people, who is dysfunctional and harmful to you, you have no way to get your needs associated with this type of relationship fulfilled at all because you're not ethically supposed to go to anyone else to get them fulfilled. In short, I guess I'm saying that it's one thing to not "leave" a person like this if their relationship to you is parent or sibling. Because that kind of relationship doesn't affect YOUR life as deeply as your intimate relationship can. it's an entirely different thing if this person is your intimate partner. If it's the latter, you run much higher risk of being harmed by this person, and more severely, and at the same time you don't have safer substitutes for this kind of relationship to fall back on for support, as you do if you were the family member.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): Hi darling, so sorry this is happening to you. Hopefully you are not living together? As this would be a blessing in disguise at the moment giving you a bit of space.I agree with the other posts about anti depressants making people suicidal or even aggressive to the point of madness, I saw a documentary about that.I think you need to go and see a doctor with your boyfriend for a second or even a third opinion and get the doctor to go over all the side affects of the drugs he is taking and get something different, I believe he will be better off the drugs bu he might need a lot of help and nutrional support to come off them, I hope he can afford to see a good nutrionist and homepath at the same time as a new doctor so he can get the mineral he needs to feel well and support him that way he can cope better all round especiall during any down days and eventually he may not have as many down days and learn to get through.I would not leave him just yet, but please do not condone drinking and driving or drinking at all and try and get him to eat good food if you can, stay away from him when is is on the drugs and try and get a social worker to help.
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A
male
reader, Steelhawk65 +, writes (27 January 2012):
 MOST anti depressants say that alchohol will intensify the effect. As for the suicidal thoughts, this is probably a side effect of the medicine and should see a doctor immediatly, and for the drinking tell him to stop drinking while on the meds or you'll leave him (i take anti depressants also and I'm not normal if i drink while on them).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): you should leave him, definitely!! Not everyone is able to be a partner to someone else (and I'm talking about him).
You may be trying your best but you could still be enabling his destructive tendencies just by the very act of staying with him no matter what he does. he could be feeding off of your concern and anxiety over him.
And when he grabbed your steering wheel and tried to crash your car, I'm sorry but now he almost tried to kill YOU!!!! If he wants to kill himself that's his business, but no one has a right to try to kill another person and he tried to do that to you.
For your own safety you should get out of this relationship.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 January 2012):
At your age and with his symptoms? I'd say it's probably best to let him go and stop trying to be his therapist and helper. He has to decide for himself when it's time to clean up; you can't do that for him.
The thing that makes me tell you that is that he persists in the self-destructive behavior, despite promising to you to change. He's not really ready to change, so he'll need some more time to get clean. I'd give him all the room he needs to do that by not being a complication.
I'd be giving him some tough love and not enabling his self-abuse or abuse of others.
Good luck.
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