A
female
age
41-50,
*offee lover
writes:I have been married for six years and have a beautiful son who is four. My husband and I looked like we had it all. However, there were some things going on behind closed doors that I never allowed anyone to know including my family, friends and co-workers. My husband the last few years has been so disrespectful, unloving and self absorbed. He has major anger issues and it's really hard for us to communicate. He would get so mad and break my sons toys right in front of him, scream at me and him. I had always encouraged him to go to marriage counceling, read books that I bought and listen to cd's on improving our relationship.All this to no response. We did go see his doctor and got him on better medication to help with his temper. I think I've tried so hard to make this relationship work that I've shut down my feelings for him. When I asked for a seperation, he went crazy with his temper. Now he wants to go to counciling. We did go when he wanted too but my feelings arn't the same anymore. I told him I wanted a divorce and he became enraged. The bigest problem is I have met someone who I have very stong feeling forand he feels the same. He knows the situation between my husband and I. He has been my support because he's been through the same thing. My husband found out we were talking and has told everybody including my family that's why I want a divorce. I look like the bad one here. My husband has moved back in our home because he said he would "take me to the cleaners" if I divorced him and get our son. My husband has been better in the home front lately but I feel like it's too late. I don't want this divorce battle so I'm going along with whatever will keep my husband happy. I don't love him the way I did because of the hurt. Should I stay in this marriage anyway, risk my integrity and reputation?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Coffee lover +, writes (5 July 2008):
Coffee lover is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you guys for all the wonderful advice. Now I don't feel so alone anymore in my decision making. I will take the advice of everybody and get to work. I'm trying to keep the peace for now until my son and I can make an escape.
In my situation it's hard for me to think clearly about what I should do, but all of you have given me something to put into action. Thanks so much!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): I have great empathy with you; you are in a very difficult situation; I agree with the previous two postings; don't allow him to blackmail you; however, what mdeication is he on? Anti-depressants? What is his medical record like with anger and depression? It might be worht it for you to take that with when you consult a lawyer, as these things can have an influence when it gets to his moods, behaviour and most important custody;
I also suggest, you try and go along with the counselling; the more you can get him to ope up and admit his behaviour towards the counsellor; you have then another independant wittness that could be called to testify in a custody battle;
HOWEVER, what worries me most is the SAFETY OF you and your child; when he does have these outbursts; try and get out and be extremely carefull; have the telephone numbers of emergency help available; there is so much family violence and sometimes some of these guys "snap"; PLEASE be very carefull; I do URGE you to make contact a solicitor get some legal advise; if need be you can get a court order to keep him away from you and your child; that is if the situation becomes dangerous;
You also have the option to contact a crisis service for ABused women; get those numbers; contact those people speak to them; get there advise; they deal with this everyday and are far better trained and equipped to help you;
YOu will have to explain the difficulty of all this to your new friend; if he really loves you and truelly cares; he will realize that he has to stand back; you have to get out of this "mess" safe and ALIVE!
I will not be easy; take it step by step; plan your actions; get as much info as you can; the wiser and the better informed you are, the easier it will be;
My thought are with you;
BE STRONG.
Keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): Thank you for your response. That was really great advice and I also have wonderd if he would go back to his old ways. Yes, I do need to stop talking to my friend or things could get messy especially with my husband. As for no one knowing about his anger issues...his mom and family does know about this but are of course always on his side because he's family. Also, my sister did since something was going on with him and she is my only support right now. Thank you for your advice.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (5 July 2008):
 Hi,
Well how can you love someone who is blackmailing you. It's impossible. Your husband is an unstable character and under no circumstances should you let him have custody of your child.
Go see a good lawyer, make a list of everything he has done, it really is a shame you never confided in anyone , as you will find it hard to have backup here.
But people must have some inclination what he's like, so I dont think his case is as sown up as he makes it out to be.
But your marriage is beyond repair, you need to get people on your side, he is dangerous and could eventually do some serious harm.
Seek some advice, and I'm sorry to say but you will have to end your affair in the meantime, it will be his main argument against you. If he is able to get good lawyers he may be able to use them to keep custody of your child using your affair against you, but I'm not a legal expert so I'm not sure if that even is the case. But don't let him blackmail you. His current behaviour is merely an act I believe, and it wont last.
good luck
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (5 July 2008):
You can't let him blackmail you into staying. Stay for now but start talking about what has really been going on. Tell your friends and family when he's been screaming. When he smashes things then walk out of the house and go to someone's place and tell them why.
You cannot let your child grow up thinking that this is the normal way for a man to treat a woman or a child. He's going to go to school and start smashing other children's toys and bullying and being horrible just like dad.
Do damage limitation for your reputation then leave this man. Stay single until the divorce goes though (tell your new guy what you are doing and that you just need him to keep his distance for the time being) and then you will be free to be with whomever you please.
Good Luck!! xx
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