A
female
age
41-50,
*olly1122333
writes:I meet a guy from a group just after xmas last year, like a hobby group, we meet up on Sunday morning every week.we added each other on fb not long after we met, and we have been chatting everyday, early February he told me he's in limbo from a relationship, and he told me she cheated on him and they broke up round about the time we met. at the moment we are just friends, nothing happened, we have been flirting a bit, but also I found out we share quite a few interests, our conversations over fb are always meaningful, not those "nothing" txt, and I feel we could take things further, but since he told me he just broke up with his girl friend not so long ago, I'm hesitant .... so anyway, last sunday we had a big event for this hobby group and we went together, he stayed at mine the night before as we had to leave early yesterday morning, we chatted, watched tv together, we were sitting close together, that night he slept in the spare bedroom, and I slept at my room, and he already asked if it was ok to stay at mine after the event, since he have to go to work at 6am the next morning (he lives about 3 hours away) and I agreed. we had a great time at the event, and we spent the whole day together, when we got home last night, he looked at me seriously and said he really like me, but wanted to be clear that he is not completely out the of ex situation, and hope I understand, I told him I understand and appreciate him being honest, and I told him I like him too but at the same time very scared of getting hurt, after that he kissed me on my forehead, we looked at each other for .... god feel like forever, and we kissed.... and had sex... about an hour later, his father called, and said his brother is having health issues (he has long term health problems) and needed him to be home, and he tried talking to his brother and told him he didn't want to get back can he manage without him so on.... about 2 phone calls later, I told him if he need to go home I understand, and he said he's sorry, he feel really bad... anyway he left... Monday he txt and said he feel bad about having to go last night and I told him I understand and if he had stayed he would feel bad not being there for his brother, and I didn't want to be selfish. and then he said he's that issue, he think I need to be a little bit selfish in regards to my needs. and he said he appreciate my understanding as he hope he appreciate and understand my position and such that he feel inequality prepared or positioned to get involved, he said the fact that he choose to go last night while I was vulnerable told him that he's not ready. he said he doesn't want to make excuses but as bad as it feels now, it would potentially be worse in a few months time..... I told him I'm disappointed that he knew he didn't want anything further and still kissed me anyway... he said he's sorry, but that he can't offer more than friendship. He said would like to have a chat face to face, and he still would like to be friend but understand if I don't want that.... should I meet up with him and chat? should I stay friends with him? since we share the same group / social circle?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 March 2014):
 Best to be honest. Always.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (26 March 2014):
 He wasn't being very responsible when he had sex with you and now you know that sex will not lead to a relationship.
If seeing him isn't going to be painful for you, it's probably best to play it cool, acknowledge him but don't be over friendly. He probably won't want to discuss what happened and will be happy that you just let it drop.
If it IS going to be painful for you to see him then perhaps you need to avoid him for a while until your feelings change. It's such a shame that this has spoilt the lovely group you attend and I hope it doesn't affect you going in the future.
Sometimes we just have to let things go for the good of everyone.
I am sorry this happened to you but wiser next time huh???
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, holly1122333 +, writes (25 March 2014):
holly1122333 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm to blame to, I misinterpreted him, when he said he's not completely out of the ex situation I thought he just want me to give him time to sort it out, and I took the kiss as in he want to start something new with me. In my head I just assume that's what he meant, because in the past few months as I get to know him, he came across responsible and that he take relationship seriously, so I didn't expect him to kiss me while he's not ready.... I misjudge his character I know relationship is out of the question, and what we did the other night did a lot of damage for our friendship, I just want to handle the situation well so it won't be awkward when we do see each other at group meet.I think I'm going to tell him what I just said, best to be honest right?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 March 2014):
Aunty Em put it pretty perfectly.
IF there is something I have learned from reading post here on DC is that in 99% of the cases where a guy says I AM NOT looking for a relationship, they are TELLING the truth.
The thing is with guys like that... THEY STILL want sex. And they ASSUME that a women who has ALREADY said OK to KNOWING that it would be nothing but some FRIENDLY SEX, is actually OK with JUST that. SEX, no more.
And I also know from reading posts here on DC that 99% women who hears "I'm not ready for a relationship" IGNORES it. Because they think they can CHANGE the guys mind, by mind-blowing sex or their stellar personality. It almost becomes a challenge, even if they don't realize it.
Here is the deal. The MOMENT a guy says :" I'm not ready for a relationship, to be dating, to be serious with someone, I'm not over my ex..." YOU either STICK to a PURELY platonic friendship or you WALK AWAY.
So now you know. And I don't think you blaming him is fair. He was in a vulnerable state too. And someone were nice to him and offered him a warm body for the night.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (25 March 2014):
SOOOO....right off the bat:
He flirts but tells you absolutely that HE IS NOT OVER HIS EX and HE DOES NOT WANT a relationship.
You ignore this, you disregard this information and don't take him at his word.
You invite him to stay at yours before the event you are attending.
He tells you AGAIN that he DOES NOT want a relationship and he hopes that YOU UNDERSTAND THIS!!!
You say you do understand
But you choose to ignore it because you then say you do not want to get hurt!!
Lady if you did not want to get hurt, you would have NOT invited him to stay at your house.
What you did do was see it as an opportunity to make your move on him, COMPLETELY IGNORING that he said he wasn't wanting a relationship.
He was in your home and you offered yourself up on a plate and it lead to sex (because not many guys would refuse that)
Then he realised his mistake and made an excuse (his brother being taken ill) to get away from you. He then had guilt because a lot of guys DO have guilty feelings over casual sex if they arn't really into it and also he probably does like you as a person and genuinely did not want you to feel bad.
He offered you friendship as an olive branch and now you are feeling used...but YOU ALLOWED HIM TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!!!!
He doesn't sound like a bad guy and I am sure you are a nice lady, but you made a BIG mistake when you CHOSE to ignore what he was saying.
It's like blaming a cake for making you fat, when you were the one who chose to eat it...you should never have invited him to stay at your place.
Stay frinds if you think you can be platonic, but we all know sex changes things for most people and you might find that his continued ambivalence towards you relationship wise, will feel like a continued rejection.
Now I feel like I kicked your butt...but really it happens to people every day (it even happened to me once)
You need to take better note of what guys say. If they say they arn't over their ex or arn't ready for a relationship...you put them in the 'friends zone' because that is where they belong!!!
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