A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was seeing this guy back in February. He owned a bar where I worked which we went into on weekend for drinks. My friends told me he liked me but I didn't really pay him too much attention. On New Years Eve, my friend and I went to his bar and had after 12 we went back to his for a party. I did end up in his bed, but no more than a cuddle happened. We texted and he did make arrangements for a date but he cancelled on me twice, saying he was busy with the bar and I told him it was fine which it was. He asked me a couple of weeks later did I want to go to his again, so I agreed. Some of his friends were there and his brother but we just stayed in his room. We did end up sleeping together that night which I did regret the next day. He went on holiday after that and did keep in touch.My friends and I still went to his bar on a weekend and one night I ended up staying there again. I had to leave early that morning has I had other arrangements. He text me and asked why I left early and I told him I had to be somewhere in preparation for a job interview which was true. I then never heard anything for him and I left where I worked to start a new job.Last night I met up with my friends who I worked with and we went to his bar. He was behind the bar, looked up, smiled and let someone else serve us. He then said with a big smile on his face 'what the hell are you doing here' I smiled and said 'oh Hi how are you'. He then disappeared and left the bar.I don't know if I should message him and ask why he left or just leave it but I enjoy going to the bar with my friends. I don't want to feel awkward when I go in again and the rest of his staff to feel like that too as they didn't know why he had left either. He did blow hot and cold and I did feel I was been used but I never questioned or pursued him as to why I never heard from him again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2015): Thanks for your answers. Im not hung up on him and i will go back for a drink as i enjoy going there.
A
female
reader, DaniellaTheLifeCoach +, writes (26 May 2015):
Hi! Do you want to hear from him or not? You consented to whatever was going on between you so you can only feel like he was using you if you were allowing him to use you. It seems like sex was on the agenda and not much more; if there was more, one of you at least would have taken steps to clarify your ‘relationship’ early on.Messaging him is a sign that you’re looking for his attention otherwise you would choose to just leave it. If you enjoy the bar, maybe enjoying yourself should be your focus when you’re there. Maybe decide before the next time you go if you will see him again should he ask you. This way, you’re not caught off guard and know what you will say.His staff will feel however they want to feel; this isn't something you can influence. If he behaves strangely when you’re at the bar, decide that it’s not your concern if you want to keep going there. Maybe your friends can go to the bar to buy the drinks instead of you for a while.Hope this helps! Take care and best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 May 2015):
 I'd find another watering hole to be honest. I don't think he was really looking for a GF and since you slept with him several times, he didn't think you were too serious either.
Personally, neither of you did anything "wrong". There was no clear indication from EITHER of you, what you were looking for. So I would not say he USED you, or that you USED him.
It just wasn't anything more than a couple of rolls in the hay.
When I worked as a bartender (at a nightclub) the owners were two guys in the late 20's - early 30's and I KNOW they slept with 7 out of 10 of the female staff and COUNTLESS of our female regulars. I swear some of these girls just came around to get a romp and free drinks.... Most male bartenders I know are VERY charming, very outgoing, fun and great at paying attention. (same for female bartenders I suppose). It's part of the job. Some however USE the job to make EASY conquests as well. Drunk flirty females are easily "charmed" into sex.
If it's the only bar around, then take a table away from the main bar and have friends pick up drinks. No need to feel bad about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): You don't need to stay away as it is a public place. And if you enjoy it there and are a paying customer, you are entitled to go there or wherever you want. He has no right to kick you out. It is his place but legally you are within your rights to be there. You have done nothing wrong. I can see if you trashed the place or stuff like that but you are not doing anything like that nor have you done anything like that. Your situation is personal and not professional. So go if you like.But just realize that this guy doesn't appear to be very serious about you. He might have been looking for just a good time. And he has probably done this before. Frankly he does sound pretty sleazy to me. And he does seem like a jerk.If you can let it slide and aren't really hooked on him or pissed at him for how he has behaved, by all means, still be a regular and do not let him bother you. Just move on with your head held high. After all, you CAN do better. Have a good time with your friends. I doubt he will be there every time you are. As owner he probably goes in and out. And even if he was there, there are enough people around to keep your attention without giving him another glance.But if you are pissed and feel slighted or used and don't think you can handle seeing him or think he will just try to use you again, maybe it is best you find another bar to hang out at. There are thousands of them! And you would probably find one you even like better!Your call.High road or a different road...
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