A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have no contact for 4 months with the guy I had an "emotional affair" with. It's been close to a year now since it happened. I still hear about him because we have common friends. I tried to cut them off too for self-preservation but they've been good to me and they don't know this happened so unfortunately hearing about how he's become (being irresponsible and lazy at work) is saddening me and I'm truly concerned. They seemed to have given up on him and doesn't want to bother talking to him anymore and just avoid him. Would it be wrong if I approach him (either via fb or in person) to ask how he's doing and why he's being such a jerk? He is not the same person I knew and I refuse to believe that he is who he is now like people say. Some people say, this is his true colors. But I feel like there's something going on in his life. But what right do I have to be involved in his life now?I am not trying to stir a relationship with him again. I just want to be his friend. He did say we can still be friends. He never answered any of my phonecalls (his reason was so I'd be used to picturing him out of my life) since I moved away but he did agree to see me once again, after I moved, for that final goodbye. It was an amicable, bittersweet goodbye.Should I just let this go even if my heart is really worried about him and I just want to shake some sense into him? It may be that he's just rebelling or showing signs of something worse that's going on in his personal life that no one knows. Or maybe my friends are right and that is his true self and how he has lived his life like that ever since.I know I shouldn't care but I do so please tell me what to do. Thanks!
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affair, at work, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys. Seems like it's a unanimous resounding NO. Haha. You're right. It is his life. I wish we could be in each other's life in some way or form without complications but it is impossible and I just need to keep moving forward in my separate path. I just wanted to return the favor of him inspiring me to go after my dreams. But ill let this go. He's a grown man.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 May 2015):
 You have history with him and you still have feelings so whether you admit it to yourself or not, you have an agenda. You can't be a true unbiased friend to him. And you can't fix him. Getting him to talk about his feelings or giving him a stern talking to will change nothing. It doesn't really matter if this are his true colours or if he's going through something. Then there's your significant other to consider. You`d have to keep this friendship secret, which means more sneaking about. We get so many posts from men and women concerned that their partners are `helping and supporting` an ex in need. Even if you`re honest, he won`t trust your motives or your judgment (for leading yourself back into temptation).You can`t say anything to him that hasn`t already been said. Leave the guy alone and move on already.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 May 2015):
 All you'll accomplish by contacting him is change from ONE person needing help (him), to TWO people needing help (both of you)..... Don't bother.... He's a big boy and can handle his own matters....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 May 2015):
 Calling him, contacting him is not magically going to make make work hard and be a great guy.
It can VERY well be that something shitty is going on in his life, it can be that THIS is who he is.
I would let him be. This is no longer your concern. Whatever is going on in HIS life, IS HIS deal, HIS concern.
If he doesn't want to share his problems with his FRIENDS, why on Earth do you think YOU can make a difference?
Keep moving on with YOUR life instead of letting this guy HOLD you back.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 May 2015):
 You can't fix him. Stop letting him have real estate in your head. He's not worth your energy.
If it's over it's over and he is making his choices based on his own reasons. Nothing you can say or do will fix it.
If your mutual friends mention him you can say "i'm sorry to hear that but I don't want to talk about it can we drop it" and just let it go.
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