A
female
age
51-59,
*ooGenerous
writes:My boyfriend of 12 years and I have 2 children together. We have moved to 3 different houses in our years together all of which I paid for with cash. I am happy in the 3rd home I have purchased, we live in a lakefront home, have a boat, and the kids love it. Every December I take out money from an estate and pay the taxes on my house and the empty lot next door to me. He is the only one working now, as of 2 years ago. I feel I don't need to work, I am 40 years old and have not ever had to work, I did it just to keep sane. I recently looked online and saw that I could make $2500.00 a month on my home. My boyfriend is paying all the bills except for the Taxes - which are extremely high. He wants me to put the little bit of money I get into our bank account and I just want to put it into my private bank account, for me and the kids to be able to play whenever we want, to get them golf clubs, clothes, etc.....Is it wrong for me to be angry about his request? Should I tell him - again - that I bought the house and I should be able to put my money wherever I want? Should I charge him $1,500.00 a month (that's what I would get minus the Taxes)? I have never asked him to pay rent in the past, but with me not working anymore, I am so lost as of what to do.
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female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Okay, so he did some screwed up things in the past...but, "he has turned himself around," according to you. Be grateful for that and stop living in the past.
My husband did a lot worse in the 16 years before I finally walked away.
You can't have it both ways. Either you forgive him and move on. Or you don't and you tell him to move on! It is impossible for any of us to change what we have done in the past. All we can do is become better people now and in the future. You are punishing him for things he can't change. It's in the past, let it go! To forgive, but not forget, does not mean dwelling on what he did three years ago. It means never let it happen again....learn from the experience.
Legally, he is your common law husband!
And when the children come to you in the future and ask you, why didn't you marry their dad, are you going to tell them because he had some problems and cost you a lot of money??
If there is no love there, what are you teaching your kids about relationships between men and women??
I don't mean to offend you or preach, but I want you to think about it.
Sincerely,
~BG~
A
female
reader, TooGenerous +, writes (23 April 2010):
TooGenerous is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yes - I am not telling you everything. I have been taken advantage of by his family. I won't even say how much - but it has been ALOT over the past 11 years. He had a gambling problem in which I had to pay his Bookie $20,000.00, he use to be addicted to topless bars, playing a Play Station with his friends 24-7, habitual lying, etc... In the past 3 years, he has turned himself around but it is still hard to forget the past. I have forgiven him, but I can't forget. I also have not been able to forgive his family, most of all his brother. It has only been 3 years though, it has been a long 12 years!!! It is hard to forget the 12 years that he did horrible things to me. However, I allowed it. I am not a victim, I have been part of the problem. I have been holding on for the sake of my children. I could never marry him for the way he treated me, and he knows that. I have told him so many times that I will never marry him. I feel as if I am just going through the motions. I have resorted to drinking wine and beer at night - to forget about things. I am just so lost.....
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 BTW - the law would view him as your defacto or common law HUSBAND. That you refer to him as merely a 'boyfriend' when living together so long and having children together is a slap in the face and very telling of your views on him.
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A
female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (23 April 2010):
Unless you have some odd laws, 12 years together entitles a partner to assests acquired during the partnership.
Where I live, a court of law would deem him to have entitlement to claim upon the home if splitting up, ... so if that is the case, ... you can hardly charge him rent.
It would hardly be a partnership if you tried to. I don't get the 'my money, your money' thing is long term co habiting relationships - especuially one's where children are involved and you operate as a fmily unit.
What you are thinking of doing demeans him to sperm donor and boarder - when he should be partner and father. He is predominately supporting the day to day living expenses, ... if you have the means, you should contribute. Thinking it is ok for him to do that with his income whilst ours is just for you and the kids is EXCLUDING him as a family member.
Yes, I absolutely think it is wrong for you to be angry that he wants to operate as a family right down to the finances. If anyone should be angry, it should be him imo!
if he has any dignity, he will leave you if you ask for rent, as it makes his value and position to your joint family unit dismally and appalling clear.
IMO.
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (23 April 2010):
You've been together twelve years...you should be making joint decisions on finances, in my opinion.
But as you say, you did buy the house! But throwing that up to him, will only cause him to get defensive, don't you think?
Maybe you can come up with a mutual agreement that will satisfy both of you. You put a percentage in your private account and a precentage in your joint account. After all, he is paying all the bills, excluding the taxes.
Money matters can destroy a relationship. If you love this man, try to come up with happy compromise!
Wishing you the best!
Brooklyngirl
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