A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello readers, I hope you can give me your perspectives on my situation as it's making me sad. I've been with my bf 10 years. We lived together pretty happily for 7 years, until last year, when he broke up with me, saying he didn't know what he wanted from life anymore... I later discovered he'd been sending/receiving dirty texts from random girls, and messing around with a female colleague. I was heartbroken as he moved out. One year later, he says he wants us to get back together as he can't imagine a life without me. Nothing happened with the work colleage, who has left her job. So we got back together (cautiously). He explained he started messing around last time because he was under pressure at work, felt isolated from his work friends (as we lived a 40min drive from where he works), felt jealous that I had made friends at work, and found texting these women exciting-it made him feel good when then got in touch.We worked through it all, and I started to trust him again. I felt it was me who needed to change, so I tried to. We still live apart, see each other at weekends. So it was going perfectly, until a few weeks ago when I had a niggling feeling... I'm sorry to say I looked at his cell phone when he was out and found a load of dirty messages to/from 3 random girls. I confronted him, he says he did it because he felt lonely and bored. I asked why he didn't text me instead, and he said he'd be embarrassed to! I am so sad because everything (including our sex life) was great and he agrees. He has said he's sorry, but hasn't really explained why he did it again.I feel so insecure - if I don't know why he did it this time, there's nothing I can do to prevent it happening again. He's going out with all his work colleagues tonight and I feel terrible - like, what if he messes with some other colleague! I told him this (probably a mistake to do so) and he said "thanks a lot." So he makes me feel bad for feeling the way I do. I can forgive and forget, but I can't help feeling he should explain his actions and should be treating me extra nicely right now, and making efforts to make me feel secure - am I wrong? This is my question, really. Instead he's making me feel like I'm annoying him if I show I'm upset/insecure:(Part of me thinks I should leave him given that I feel I can't trust him, although he says he's never physically cheated and says he wants us to get married and have kids... But I'm getting old, work long hours, and didn't meet anyone in the year we were apart, so see him as my only chance to have a family. Am I a total loser, or what? My confidence is not great now.Thanks for reading and sorry if this is a bit long.
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at work, broke up, confidence, get back together, got back together, heartbroken, insecure, jealous, moved out, sex life, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): (Original poster) - just wanted to say thanks for your opinions... they make sense, but it's hard to leave him after all we've been through together:(
A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (18 July 2009):
 good advice from cerberus. i agree with everything she said,and i would also add that in life we will all be bored/frustrated/lonely,but who the hell deals with it be sending and receiving dirty texts?!! Please dont fall in the trap of thinking any relationship is better than no relationship cos that is complete crap. I'm in my forties and i'm not in a relationship. I know i'm the envy of some of my friends cos i'm not in the same boat as them. They put up with various sorts of shit from their partners and can't or don't leave. Run for the hills girl! good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): No you're not wrong and yes you have completely lost perspective to the point that you can't see that it's having a really negative impact on your life. Dump him, there really is no other way, he's had his second chance and instead of doing everything he can to repair your relationship he starts emotionally cheating on you again.He is nothing but a sleazy coward, he won't even take responsibility for his actions and yet again pulls a lame "poor me" excuse out of his ass and tries to make you feel like it's somehow your fault. Is this really the type of man you want to spend the rest of your life with? When you dreamt of your Mr. Right did you dream of a guy that shatters your self confidence and makes you doubt your ability to be loved? I think not, in fact that's the opposite what love is. He's not good for you, this will only get worse too, you know in your gut exactly what is going on, but you love him and the self doubt he has fostered in you is preventing you from admitting to yourself what you know you must do beacuse you somehow think you're not lovable. You couldn't be more wrong. You gave him his second chance, you did the decent thing by him and gave him a chance to regain your trust and he threw it back in your face. Get rid of this pathetic excuse for a coward, you can't change him, and go find someone that will treat you with the respect and desire you deserve. None of this is your fault and don't ever think that you had anything to do with his actions, you can leave this relationship knowing that you tried your best and that's all you can do. If you stay with this the guy that makes so miserable...well you can see where I'm going with this.Take it easy and Good Luck!!!!
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