A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing a guy that I'll call Sam for a little over 3 months, about a month ago we decided to become serious. My concern is this, he was married at a very young age but divorced her after he caught her cheating. He was truthful and did not try to hide it but sometimes the fact that we are both so young and he's already had the big wedding and all of that, I can't help but feel a little jealous. I want to talk to him about this, but I don't really know how to bring it up in a good way... if there even is such a thing. I want to be honest because I think if we talk about it, and I share my thoughts and feelings, maybe I can stop feeling jealous, for lack of a better word.Advice on what to say and how to approach this would be appreciated. He is 24 and I am 21. He's been divorced for 4 years.Thank-you!
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (18 July 2009):
 I'm going to be blunt here: You crazy.
You've only been dating him 3 months. That's not nearly long enough to determine if he's the right man for you. You're still in the honeymoon period where everything is kisses and roses yet you're already thinking about a wedding.
It's obvious that his big white wedding didn't mean the marriage that followed was a success. Weddings are just one day, a day to celebrate your love and commitment. The fact that he already did it in the past means nothing to right now. It doesn't mean he can't have another one. There's no punch card. He loved and committed to this woman but it didn't work out, that doesn't mean he can't love and commit to someone else. It wasn't his fault that it didn't work out and you shouldn't hold it against him.
I feel that you are putting far too much importance on what is essentially a party, and a party that you won't even know if you're going to have with him because YOU'VE ONLY BEEN DATING THREE MONTHS.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 July 2009):
 I think you need to realize that he has a past. The end.
That is it. Really. He might be a bit more "gun-shy" as far as maybe proposing to you but that might not be a bad idea. since he OBVIOUSLY made a mistake the first time he got married.
As long as (if you two DO want to get married at some point) he doesn't think having a wedding is a waste of time, because he already did that once. I can't see a problem with it.
Be glad that he isn't a commitment phobic, that he isn't scared of the whole serious relationship deal. Be glad he doesn't have kids with the ex, and last but not least, be glad that he loves you.
Let it go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): In all honesty though that day is in the past, yes that day and whatever commitment he made on that day obviously no longer counts, I mean otherwise he'd still be with her.
I'd try and work it out a little bit yourself first before you talk to him, you need to gain a bit of perspective on this.
I admit I felt a little jealous that I wasn't the guy my girlfriend lost her virginity to, this situation is kind of similar because, as I thought at the time a girls virginity is a precious thing to her and losing it is a special moment. The reality is though her first time was awkward, painful and the guy dumped her after he'd gotten what he wanted. Well your boyfriend was cheated on by the girl he shared this wedding day with and besides having all his friends and family in one place for a party, it's more than likely the wedding is actually a bit of painful memory to him now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"My girlfriend views marriage as the ultimate commitment and the highest expression of love"That's the part that bugs me. Because he's already had that. I guess maybe it's a female thing, and it's not like I'm setting out to be jealous. But I guess it's a little intimidating I've never dated someone who was divorced before. He doesn't have any children with her, and the marriage did not last long. But it's a different kind of commitment. I don't want to rush into a marriage, I enjoy just dating him. But I don't want my own personal jealousy over the issue to end this relationship. That's why i'm asking how I should bring this up to him, and let him know how I feel so that it doesn't create a problem later on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): I don't understand why you'd be jealous. Has he had other girlfriends are you jealous of them too?The reason I don't understand is because the whole wedding thing is a womans thing, we guys are just there for the party and of course to participate in the ceremony. Not many guys will admit this to their wives but it's not as special a day for us as it is for the woman.My girlfriend for instance has been thinking about and dreaming about her wedding since she was a little girl. She already knows everything she wants to have in her dream wedding. We guys don't think like that at all, I couldn't care less if I get married in a registry office, in fact I couldn't care less if I never got married, the only benefit I see in it, is to bring happiness to the one I love and the tax breaks and other financial incentives ( I would never tell her that though ).My girlfriend views marriage as the ultimate commitment and the highest expression of love, I already see her that way and honestly I don't think it would be possible for me to love her more, she's already my world and I don't need a huge ceremony to convince me that she feels the same.I would marry her in a heartbeat if it made her happy but that's all it would be. If on the other hand it's the fact that he had a serious relationship before you got together, then you'll have to find a way of dealing with that, being jealous of a past relationship is illogical even if it is a natural feeling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): aww sweetie... just cause he's had the white wedding did not mean he had the RIGHT Wedding... Your Wedding will be yours and his... If the ex tries to show up... then be upset at that.Its normal how you are feeling, but I can't help but think that you are kinda wastin time. But you should talk to him.. honestly and let him know.. he will probably say something along the same lines as I did.. that this will be your wedding.. with him.
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